Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
Vicious ass fucking cycle... *yearns to break away*
July 24, 2004 ~ 3:20 PM
Yesterday Matt was supposed to be here by 4PM. He gets off work at 2PM. Shouldn't have been a problem. Doesn't show up til 5 something. And only because I called his work at fucking 4:45 and told him to get goin right then. HE'D WANTED TO STAY ANOTHER 30 MINUTES. He's supposed to be making shit up to me right now. You know what he told me when we got to Rough's? That he'd rather hang out with his boss than me cuz he has more fun with his boss. Which of course makes me feel like shit. So I tell him to bring me home. And on the way there the injustice of it all pissed me the fuck off. Cuz why should I be hurt and be alone while he goes off to get drunk and have fun with his buddies. So I make him talk to me. Which of course, he hates. Cuz I've come to the conclusion that he really doesn't have jack shit to say aside from "I hate you" and "Bitch" and "Go to hell" etc etc. I mean I have these talks cuz I want to find out what's wrong and FIX it. Not to find out what's wrong and let him run the fuck away. I'm tryin to understand him. I'm trying to eradicate the problem. We had a good talk. During which I was a real dumbass and smacked him. Not hard. Felt like fucking shit and I'll never do it again. But god damn the fucking POPE would have found it justified, dammit. His insolence is infuriating. I apologized profusely but understand why he's still butt-hurt about it. I shouldn't have done it. Violence is his shtick. Not mine. But anyway we get that all worked out and go to Rough's party. Everything is fine. I tire myself out just cuz Matt wanted to walk to 7-11 and get a hot dog. Rough lives up a huge hill and pretty far down a random suburban street. Damn me and my bad heart but it's ok. We got back to Rough's and both went to the bathroom cuz we both needed to piss. And in the close proximity I realized he was givin off some shitty vibes. So I instinctively ask him "Do you love me?" He said he didn't know. Or rather, he said 49% does and 51% doesn't. So basically, he doesn't. I ask him why. His answer: I don't feel jack shit for you right now. Which, my friends, is NOT a reason for not loving me it was just repeating "I don't love you" in a different form. I kept pressing him to answer cuz god dammit I deserve a reason why he doesn't love me anymore. I wouldn't let him out of the bathroom. Suffice it to say Matt did not like that. All I wanted was an answer from him. And I was willing to drive him home {I got my driver's license drunk don't worry I'm a good drunk driver. Only got 6 wrong. =P} and then fuckin walk back to Rough's house on my own cuz Matt needs his car for work and I can't stay at his place. But he just wouldn't answer me. And the love of my life decided out of no where that he doesn't love me so there was no way in tarnation I was gonna let off. I wanted an answer. He is, however, stronger than me and he escaped with the aid of Nick and Alfie. Nick was... amazing to me. He did what Matt should have been doin. He was very comforting and he LISTENED. Alfie was really supportive, too but dude tried to kiss me so iono about that one. Nick was great though. Both of them were. Matt came back cuz he needed his keys and I had em. He told me he'd come see me today at 4. It's... 4:11 right now. And I've already called him once today I am not gonna stoop to calling him again. I still have so much love for him. I still have a ridiculous amount of faith in him. No matter how much he hurts me I'll still love him passionately, madly, and unconditionally. I'm not gonna let him go cuz he's the one. He's the love I've been waiting for all my life and when he knows it it's amazing. When he denies it... All fucking hell, man... all fucking hell breaks loose. I thought I was out of hell. I guess He's not quite done with me yet. I mean... if he'd just answered my question! We'd be FINE right now! Cuz once I knew why, I could change it. Anyone who falls out of love over a span of 4 hours MUST have a reason! And how am I to eradicate that reason if I knew not what it IS. I still DON'T. So I don't know what to do to make it better. I can't fix something if I don't know what's BROKEN. I am not gonna stop loving him. No one is going to be able to convince me to stop loving him. I don't want anyone else. I want my immature asshole little boy. Cuz I know he can grow up. And I'm not insulting him. He knows he's an immature asshole and he's proud of it. But with my tutileage he CAN change. Cuz I give him a reason to. Reasons he can't see on his own. I will always love him unconditionally I just don't want to put up with his immature bullshit anymore. I mean... ugh. Once he gets over himself things will be perfect. It's 4:30 now. *looks around* He's still not here. And to think I was gonna go across the street and pick some blackberries for him. Yesterday while I was trying to have a communication session with him he ran out of the car to eat the blackberries hanging over the wall of the parking lot across the street. I was gonna go out earlier to pick a bunch for him so I cud give em to him when he got here. Needless to say I changed my mind. I would have felt like an ass anyway. He treats me like shit and yet I'd still do anything for him. So long as it doesn't entail breaking my heart. I have a sick foreboding feeling that I will not hear an apology from him but I will forgive him anyway. I was talking to Nick and Alfie and against my better judgement, I am tempted to just take his shit again. Keep letting him hurt me and just not say anything. Just TAKE ALL HIS BULLSHIT. To avoid conflict. Cuz this... this is NOT worth it. Communication gets rid of problems. But this sucks. He hates that I don't take shit from him anymore. I think he just doesn't know what to do so it infuriates him. He doesn't know any other reaction. That kid really needs help. He needs anger management. He gets pissed too easily over stupid things. Like his girlfriend trying to reach out to him and putting her heart and soul on the line to do so. And I'm never gonna give up. Cuz you know what? My heart and soul? Still on the line. If this line is severed I will lose it ALL. This little boy loves me just as much as I love him. I just handle it better. I don't know why he's so scared. Not everyone in their entire lives will find someone who would do anything for them. I'd take a bullet for that boy.
He's taking my sanity. PS- It's 4:40
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....