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Won't stop loving Matt... can't stop hurting.
June 11, 2004 ~ 12:46 AM
I talked to Matt on the phone last night and he told me not to call his work today. So I didn't. Now I think I've made a mistake. Cuz that just gives him more room. To make himself not love me. Best way to get over someone is to one- get them out of yer life and two- fuck other ppl. I'm NOT gonna get outta his life. He's on his own on the other one but I trust him.
I saw Noah today. Went to go get my shit. And we went to a beach. Fully dressed. And I filled out my court papers and Noah went swimming. You were all right. He's still in love with me. It's weird. We didn't even touch at all. And later when we went to get tofu and walked around Westwood he hugged me a lot. He's ... Noah. I jus really don't feel jack shit for him. Cept a lot of friendly love... Like I love my sister. And you know... how I used to love Rough. How I love Abel. It's just... I feel like shit hurting him. I feel like I"m TOO honest sometimes. At least I know that I do have a friend in him. And I think he's finally got it through his head that I'm never gonna ever be in love with him ever again. And he's okay with it. =) I jus needed to make it clear to him ... that even if I wasn't in love with Matt... I'd be a fucking idiot to ever love Noah again... or ever give him another chance... he's broken my heart 4 times... I would lose all of my self respect if I ever loved Noah again. Duh.
So... I didn't go to San Diego... cuz I decided that I love Matt too much. But... Iono. I went through the whole day without talking to Matt even ONCE. Not even hearing his voice on his cell phone... And that makes me feel like I'm letting him go. Even though I'm not. Like I said, lotsa pain. And the pain just makes me wanna try even HARDER to get Matt back. Not gonna give up. But yeah... Matty jus called me right now... 2 AM... And he really wants me to go down. Ugh. I jus dun wanna hafta deal with fighting off his advances. If he's gonna try to seduce me that is. Cuz I won't do anything with him and I don't want him to be pissed at me for denying him. You know? Prolly not. Meh. I think I'll go. I'll still call Matt tomorrow. God. I love Matt so much. Why can't he just let us be happy? Grow up a little. Get over his little temper tantrum. He has no idea how lucky he is to have a girlfriend who loves him unconditionally and would do anything for him. Noah knows. Matty knows. A lot of other ppl know. Why doesn't MATT know?!?!?! UGH! Frustrating as all FUCK. Madman says that Matt will come back to me. On his own. And I know he will. Cuz I have faith. I jus dun want him to fuck other ppl first. Then come back to me. It's just... ugh.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....