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Reasons why I love Madman...
June 13, 2004 ~ 11:54 PM
The first time me and Matt almost fell apart in May, Madman had made me a promise. That's why I've been so confident that Matt won't sleep with other women in Costa Rica. Cuz Madman PROMISED me that he'd make sure Matt doesn't. I believe in Madman's promises. Matt had promised me afterwards that he wouldn't go anymore. I'd begged him not to go the night after I'd lost my baby. He'd held me close and he'd promised he wouldn't go. I thanked him good, too. So much for Matt's promises. He says he's goin. They are to leave for Costa Rica on the 17th. It'll rip my heart out. But yeah.
Watch as my sanity takes a vacation:
theMADDESTofMEN: I ain't heading to Costa Rica until the 25th
FckStartMyHeart: so yer not doing the contract thing?
FckStartMyHeart: n yer not gonna watch over matt for me?
theMADDESTofMEN: I can't
theMADDESTofMEN: Trevor told me
FckStartMyHeart: wut
theMADDESTofMEN: that he needs to reschedule me
theMADDESTofMEN: cause they don't have enough rooms
FckStartMyHeart: why!?!
theMADDESTofMEN: so I'm coming down a week later
theMADDESTofMEN: it's all good
FckStartMyHeart: ...
FckStartMyHeart: just u?
FckStartMyHeart: or everybody
theMADDESTofMEN: cause I get to spend one more week with Samantha
theMADDESTofMEN: just me
FckStartMyHeart: why jus u?
theMADDESTofMEN: Cause I planned later
theMADDESTofMEN: it's all good
theMADDESTofMEN: I'm happy
theMADDESTofMEN: It worked out well
FckStartMyHeart: i'm happy for u... but shit. there goes my peace of mind
theMADDESTofMEN: Cause I'll be here when Samantha gets back
FckStartMyHeart: UGH
theMADDESTofMEN: and Samantha will have her week alone with Logan
FckStartMyHeart: *frustrated*
FckStartMyHeart: who's logan?
theMADDESTofMEN: LONG STORY
FckStartMyHeart: oh boy
FckStartMyHeart: this is gonna be good
FckStartMyHeart: not yer story
FckStartMyHeart: my next 2 weeks
FckStartMyHeart: or rather. it's gonna be bad
theMADDESTofMEN: sorryh
FckStartMyHeart: but i'm sure one day
theMADDESTofMEN: I didn't arrange this
FckStartMyHeart: someone can make a stellar movie out of it
FckStartMyHeart: i know
FckStartMyHeart: so how come i can't go?
FckStartMyHeart: ugh
FckStartMyHeart: dammit all to fucking hell
FckStartMyHeart: i wish i'd just DIED after noah
FckStartMyHeart: {before u even knew me... so u wudn't feel bad}
FckStartMyHeart: :-P
theMADDESTofMEN: Hmm
FckStartMyHeart: hm?
FckStartMyHeart: wut u thinkin
theMADDESTofMEN: nothin
FckStartMyHeart: i can do that right? w/o hurting yer feelings? wishing i'd jus died before?
theMADDESTofMEN: You can, but I won't allow it
FckStartMyHeart: but my life fucking SUCKS
FckStartMyHeart: u kno wut matt told me tonight?
FckStartMyHeart: he told me
FckStartMyHeart: that he's gonna fuck girls in costa rica
FckStartMyHeart: even if he IS still in love with me
FckStartMyHeart: cuz i'm jus gonna forgive him anyway
FckStartMyHeart: he is RIGHT
FckStartMyHeart: i fucking hate my life
FckStartMyHeart: i was so confident
FckStartMyHeart: cuz u promised me a month ago that you wouldn't let him sleep with anyone
theMADDESTofMEN: well
theMADDESTofMEN: shit changed
FckStartMyHeart: i kno
FckStartMyHeart: not yer fault
FckStartMyHeart: but still
theMADDESTofMEN: well
theMADDESTofMEN: I'm in a foul mood because of it
FckStartMyHeart: why? yer happy?
theMADDESTofMEN: cause I have to tell my boss to reschedule my entire lif
FckStartMyHeart: u get to be with Samantha
theMADDESTofMEN: and I look like a liar
theMADDESTofMEN: and it's bad for me cause i have to pay to reschedule
theMADDESTofMEN: and it's gay cause it ain't my fault
FckStartMyHeart: it's not
FckStartMyHeart: but yer still happy
FckStartMyHeart: cuz u get to be with samantha
theMADDESTofMEN: I'm stoked about Samantha
theMADDESTofMEN: I'm pissed about everything else
FckStartMyHeart: and me? i'm gonna go cry and wish i'd died fucking april 2003. i hate surfers
theMADDESTofMEN: Que?
FckStartMyHeart: oh
theMADDESTofMEN: don't answer that
theMADDESTofMEN: I think I know
FckStartMyHeart: u kno don't u? why i got over noah?
FckStartMyHeart: yeh
FckStartMyHeart: that
FckStartMyHeart: fuckin surfers
FckStartMyHeart: well jus one
FckStartMyHeart: UGH
FckStartMyHeart: madman
theMADDESTofMEN: yeaya
FckStartMyHeart: i love u
FckStartMyHeart: u kno that
FckStartMyHeart: UGH
FckStartMyHeart: nm
FckStartMyHeart: i'm jus gonna fuckin upset u n u won't wanna be friends with me anymore
FckStartMyHeart: er wutever u sed last time
theMADDESTofMEN: so let's keep this convo PG rated
theMADDESTofMEN: and not talk about Death
theMADDESTofMEN: I had a lady come into work today who I was sure was on crack
FckStartMyHeart: that's not PG
theMADDESTofMEN: she bought a Father's day cake with a Yu-Gi Oh theme
FckStartMyHeart: drugs are PG13
FckStartMyHeart: lol
FckStartMyHeart: sexy
FckStartMyHeart: wow
FckStartMyHeart: madman
FckStartMyHeart: i can't talk about this shit
FckStartMyHeart: i feel awful
FckStartMyHeart: matt's gonna fuck other ppl
FckStartMyHeart: the LOVE OF MY FUCKING LIFE
theMADDESTofMEN: IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?
theMADDESTofMEN: no
theMADDESTofMEN: I can't
theMADDESTofMEN: This happened for a reason
theMADDESTofMEN: and I'm the last person to be peddling god bullshit
theMADDESTofMEN: but I had a dream last night that my plane crashed
theMADDESTofMEN: so I'm considering this a good omen
theMADDESTofMEN: I'm gonna try and be happy through all the pain I must face
FckStartMyHeart: and i wish u the best
FckStartMyHeart: really tho if i die would u kno?
FckStartMyHeart: i don't wanna fucking hurt YOU
FckStartMyHeart: matt won't give a flying fuck
theMADDESTofMEN: yeah
FckStartMyHeart: YOU
FckStartMyHeart: dammit
theMADDESTofMEN: Matt would tell me
FckStartMyHeart: !@*^&$#)(^#@
FckStartMyHeart: he wouldn't kno
FckStartMyHeart: if i disappeared
FckStartMyHeart: he'd be like
FckStartMyHeart: yay
FckStartMyHeart: finally
FckStartMyHeart: Fuckin A madman
FckStartMyHeart: YOU
FckStartMyHeart: i was so confident that matt wouldn't sleep with anyone cuz i had yer promise
FckStartMyHeart: i kept tellin myself
FckStartMyHeart: that life wud be worth it
FckStartMyHeart: when he came back
FckStartMyHeart: cuz he won't fuck anyone
theMADDESTofMEN: this is for a reason
FckStartMyHeart: and we'll be okay
theMADDESTofMEN: believe me
FckStartMyHeart: FUCK
FckStartMyHeart: ripping the fucking SHIT outta me already just thinking about it
FckStartMyHeart: when he's THERE
FckStartMyHeart: OMG madman
FckStartMyHeart: i almost hate u for caring
FckStartMyHeart: FUCK
theMADDESTofMEN: well
FckStartMyHeart: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
theMADDESTofMEN: sometimes I wonder why
theMADDESTofMEN: but I'm trying to be a good kid
FckStartMyHeart: then don't
FckStartMyHeart: u don't even know WHY
theMADDESTofMEN: I can't
FckStartMyHeart: listen to yer fucking friends
FckStartMyHeart: ignore me
FckStartMyHeart: block me
FckStartMyHeart: ignore my phone calls
FckStartMyHeart: HATE ME
theMADDESTofMEN: it's not in my character
FckStartMyHeart: but i want to die and i can't cuz it'll hurt you
theMADDESTofMEN: And Samanth would beat me up if she caught wind of it
theMADDESTofMEN: she's tough :-(
FckStartMyHeart: she's good for u
FckStartMyHeart: you'll be happy
FckStartMyHeart: she'll help u thru it
FckStartMyHeart: she'll be there for you
FckStartMyHeart: YOU HAVE SOMEBODY
theMADDESTofMEN: somebody I love
theMADDESTofMEN: who came to me in a dark hour
theMADDESTofMEN: and the same will happen to you
theMADDESTofMEN: I guarantee it
FckStartMyHeart: i don't want anyone but MATT
FckStartMyHeart: and matt will be the shadow fucking causing the dark hour
theMADDESTofMEN: ok
theMADDESTofMEN: so let's say he gets with one girl
theMADDESTofMEN: and it's bad
theMADDESTofMEN: he gets with another
theMADDESTofMEN: it's still bad
theMADDESTofMEN: until he realizes that he can't do it without you
FckStartMyHeart: i'm gonna drive 6 hours tomorrow. fucking 6 hours okay
FckStartMyHeart: the last time
FckStartMyHeart: i went that way
FckStartMyHeart: in a car
FckStartMyHeart: i was with matt
FckStartMyHeart: right after he came down to see me in october
FckStartMyHeart: the night i decided
FckStartMyHeart: to drop EVERYTHIGN
FckStartMyHeart: and begin the rest of my fucking life with him
FckStartMyHeart: just to get up there
FckStartMyHeart: and he won't even see me
FckStartMyHeart: he told me he'd see me wednesday at 11 at taqueria santa cruz
FckStartMyHeart: but do u reallyf ucking think he's gonna be there?
FckStartMyHeart: he's not gonna go
FckStartMyHeart: for all the faith that i have
FckStartMyHeart: he doesn't have ANY
FckStartMyHeart: he thinks he doesn't want me
theMADDESTofMEN: if not
theMADDESTofMEN: you know where he live
FckStartMyHeart: he thinks im psycho
theMADDESTofMEN: you know where he works
FckStartMyHeart: he told me
FckStartMyHeart: if i went to his house
FckStartMyHeart: his parents have strict instructions to call the cops
FckStartMyHeart: they'll do it
FckStartMyHeart: they fucking HATE me
FckStartMyHeart: if i get arrested again
FckStartMyHeart: they won't let me out of the mental hospital this time
FckStartMyHeart: no matter HOW good i am
FckStartMyHeart: cuz i'm gonna fucking FLIP
FckStartMyHeart: he thinks i'm crazy? he's fucking DRIVING me insane
FckStartMyHeart: if i go find him at work
FckStartMyHeart: i WILL seem crazy
theMADDESTofMEN: THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING
theMADDESTofMEN: YOU ALWAYS ARE TELLING ME ABOUT FAITH
FckStartMyHeart: cuz i love him
theMADDESTofMEN: WELL HAVE A LITTLE
FckStartMyHeart: and i can't give up
theMADDESTofMEN: and if he ain't there
FckStartMyHeart: but he thinks he hates me
theMADDESTofMEN: I can't tell you what to do
theMADDESTofMEN: But you have no right to complain if you don't go
FckStartMyHeart: no tell me what to do
FckStartMyHeart: if yer gonna fuckin tell me what NOT to do
FckStartMyHeart: u can tell me what to do
FckStartMyHeart: okay?
theMADDESTofMEN: Go to Santa Cruz
theMADDESTofMEN: be at that restaurant
FckStartMyHeart: doing
FckStartMyHeart: all packed
FckStartMyHeart: on wednesday
theMADDESTofMEN: and if he isn't there
theMADDESTofMEN: call Cameron
theMADDESTofMEN: or David Alvarez
theMADDESTofMEN: one of the boys that still really likes you
theMADDESTofMEN: and tell them to call matt and say how fucked up this is
FckStartMyHeart: how do u kno they really like me?
theMADDESTofMEN: hell
theMADDESTofMEN: I'll even do it
theMADDESTofMEN: and I will read him the fuckin riot act
theMADDESTofMEN: until he marches down there
FckStartMyHeart: if i weren't crying so hard i'd laff
FckStartMyHeart: riot act
theMADDESTofMEN: and if he loves you
theMADDESTofMEN: he'll look into your eyes
theMADDESTofMEN: and he will not be angry
theMADDESTofMEN: that's what you should do
FckStartMyHeart: he doesn't
FckStartMyHeart: look into my eyes when he's angry
theMADDESTofMEN: make him
theMADDESTofMEN: <===Angry madman
FckStartMyHeart: i'll try
FckStartMyHeart: but god damn, madman
theMADDESTofMEN: NO
FckStartMyHeart: after driving that 6 hours
FckStartMyHeart: tog et up there
theMADDESTofMEN: do or do not, there is no try
FckStartMyHeart: to be alone
FckStartMyHeart: and wait two days
FckStartMyHeart: to see him on wednesday
theMADDESTofMEN: You do this, or you don't
FckStartMyHeart: i'm NOT gonna be a strong person
FckStartMyHeart: right now
theMADDESTofMEN: there is no trying
FckStartMyHeart: i can take it
FckStartMyHeart: he calls me bitch
FckStartMyHeart: psycho
FckStartMyHeart: i can take it
FckStartMyHeart: but in person
FckStartMyHeart: after that
FckStartMyHeart: i'll break down
FckStartMyHeart: and he'll see me crying
FckStartMyHeart: and he'll fucking leave
FckStartMyHeart: cuz that's what got me into this shit in the first place
FckStartMyHeart: i cried cuz i was stressed and i missed my baby and i wanted to make him happy and i was tired of my mom
FckStartMyHeart: i cried
FckStartMyHeart: and he got annoyed
FckStartMyHeart: and ignored me
FckStartMyHeart: so i had to call aaron
FckStartMyHeart: it's all fucking connected
FckStartMyHeart: to me CRYING
FckStartMyHeart: that's how it started
theMADDESTofMEN: HEY
theMADDESTofMEN: I AIN'T HERE TO HEAR YOUR STORY
theMADDESTofMEN: I'M TELLIN YOU WHAT TO DO
theMADDESTofMEN: you WILL go to Santa Cru
FckStartMyHeart: i know!
FckStartMyHeart: i hafta
theMADDESTofMEN: you WILL be at that place
theMADDESTofMEN: and I don't care what the fuck you have to do, you WILL have him look you in the eyes
theMADDESTofMEN: and after that
theMADDESTofMEN: if he says he's over you
theMADDESTofMEN: you can go kill yourself, and it will not hurt me, because you will not have died in vain
theMADDESTofMEN: is that what you want to hear?
FckStartMyHeart: thank you
FckStartMyHeart: so much
theMADDESTofMEN: DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY
FckStartMyHeart: the only thing i want to hear is matt duncan say "i love you"
theMADDESTofMEN: and if you do what I do, then I don't see him saying anything else
FckStartMyHeart: i love you
theMADDESTofMEN: I love you too
theMADDESTofMEN: don't do anything stupid
theMADDESTofMEN: stay focused
FckStartMyHeart: like what?
FckStartMyHeart: try to go see him on monday?
theMADDESTofMEN: you got a tough 3 days ahead of you
FckStartMyHeart: or tuesday?
FckStartMyHeart: yeah
FckStartMyHeart: very tough
theMADDESTofMEN: stay strong
FckStartMyHeart: it's hard
theMADDESTofMEN: May the force be with you
FckStartMyHeart: i'm being stripped
theMADDESTofMEN: there is a reason
theMADDESTofMEN: just remember that
theMADDESTofMEN: there is a reason
theMADDESTofMEN: there is a reason trevor rescheduled
FckStartMyHeart: i still don't want him to go
theMADDESTofMEN: he won't
theMADDESTofMEN: and I never make promises like that
FckStartMyHeart: ?
theMADDESTofMEN: so you KNOW it means something
FckStartMyHeart: he won't
theMADDESTofMEN: negative attitude breeds negative results
theMADDESTofMEN: when the odds are stacked against you
theMADDESTofMEN: beat them
FckStartMyHeart: i'm trying
FckStartMyHeart: i mean
FckStartMyHeart: i packed
theMADDESTofMEN: Hey
FckStartMyHeart: i found a palce to live
theMADDESTofMEN: when we played Santa Cruz for the stump
FckStartMyHeart: SCHS?
theMADDESTofMEN: we were down 21-0 at halftime
theMADDESTofMEN: yep
FckStartMyHeart: yeh i heard
theMADDESTofMEN: and we came back and won 28-27
FckStartMyHeart: n u guys kicked ass
theMADDESTofMEN: the odds were against us
theMADDESTofMEN: Don't let numbers, emotions, ANYTHING
theMADDESTofMEN: scare you
FckStartMyHeart: i'm all alone tho. well u and me. heh.
theMADDESTofMEN: and NEVER, iron naked
I don't know what I'd do/where I'd be without this boy. I guess I don't hate surfers so much. Because after coming back... I've found Madman... a boy who cares and really understands. And btw cai5fnatux is the other person I believe really cares; I hope to become very good friends with her for a long long time. So hopefully, I don't die... in vain or otherwise.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....