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late nights playing zelda and a white dress down the aisle
June 16, 2004 ~ 1:23 AM
I'm not letting him go this time. I'm not gonna let him fuck our relationship over. It's really funny. Cuz I was talking to him online today. And he kept pissing me off... You know me... I generally don't get pissed off at ppl I love. Or at all. Lol. And there I was, yelling at him and cussing him out and such. Pissed at the LOVE OF MY LIFE, no less. Lol. I really dominated. I did NOT let him try to push me away or reject me. Dammit I'm a woman with a purpose. He keeps saying that he doesn't wanna be in a relationship. Fuck that. As if he knows jack SHIT about what he wants. I know he wants a relationship with me. He can't tell me he doesn't cuz he is in love with me and he LOVES being with me and he LOVES fucking me. I don't believe him. He can be SUCH a fucker sometimes and I think I told him as much. Lol. He laughed at me. He's not used to me angry... it's really not my nature... I guess that's why it's humorous. Lol. I'm not gonna let him walk all over me this time around. I won't fucking let him do it. I did ANYTHING for him last time. Whatever he said, went. Fuck THAT. We saw how that turned out. I'm not giving him a choice this time. I'm gonna get my happiness, dammit. I'm gonna get my forever. No ifs ands or buts about it. He'll be mine and I'll be his and we'll be wonderful. He keeps goin like "my parents know yer bad for me" "my friends know yer bad for me" they don't fucking KNOW me. They obviously don't know jack shit. All of MY friends know he treats me like shit and doesn't respect me most of the time... which is TRUE. But so what? I love him. I'm sorry if I seemed a little crazy... but I was RIGHT. I wasn't gonna let go of that thing called LOVE. They think I'm crazy cuz he convinced them he didn't love me and I kept trying to get to him. But he does. That changes everything. And if he's gonna keep me a secret for now, okay. But he's NOT gonna fucking brush me off or push me aside. I'm not gonna stand for it. I'm gonna be a priority. When he comes back we're gonna be happy. If he's really not, and he really doesn't want to try, then I'll give him the petition for a restraining order that I got for him. And he can get a restraining order on me cuz I will NOT give up unless I'm fuckin rotting in jail. Lol. Yeah... I'm a little crazy. Or maybe a lot. But this stupid little boy is driving me fucking off, up, and around the walls. He can grow up. I know he can. I wish he'd do it faster. But as angry as I've been getting lately, and regardless of the names I've called him, I love this boy to fuckin DEATH and there is no way in hell I'm givin up on him without a fight. It's gonna be different this time. I'm gonna be... different. I won't cater to his every whim right now. I won't just... dociley agree to every thing HIM. I won't let him hurt me anymore. I won't let him fuck this relationship up again. He's moving in with me, dammit. And we're gonna be happy cuz I'll finally be able to BREATHE. Cuz he'll finally really be mine. We're doing it my way this time. And it's gonna work. I am SO determined. He was trying to make me hate him by hurting me so much; trying to make me push him away or let go or get over him. But it only went to strengthen my determination. I'm not gonna take his bullshit anymore. And I think he agreed to do as I ask cuz he's so surprised that I'm making these demands. Lol. So I'm going to the mall with him tomorrow. He's picking me up at 11. Everytime he started to try and disagree or get out of seeing me tomorrow I'm just like "No, Matt. Don't do this. Don't deny me. Fuck you. My turn" Lol. It was so cool. At one point, he's all "yes master" Lol. MMmmm... I love him so fucking much. I'm not gonna let him get away. Noah made me go away. Now he regrets it. I am NOT gonna let Matthew George Duncan get away without a fight. I know I'm right. I can feel it. I know he can too. I wish he'd jus grow a fucking backbone and stop listening to everyone else. "everyone knows you're bad for me" I mean, what the fuck. I was 19 dating a 17 year old HIGH SCHOOLER. EVERYONE BITCHED AT ME ABOUT THAT. I got so much SHIT for that. I mean... fuck. If one of my friends had done it I'd prolly give em shit too. But still. Ugh. Any my parents. Meh. I jus... I don't understand why "everyone"s opinions matter so fucking much. He knows that he loves me and wants to be with me. He should love me and be with me. Not ... ugh. Too proud to admit he's wrong to them so he wants to keep me a secret. Too stupid to realize that no one really matters in our relationship cept me and him. He needs to listen to his heart. Or he needs to listen to me. I used to have his heart. I used to e his heart. I'm not gonna let him tell me what to do anymore. This is MY relationship too. It's NOT gonna go to shit this time. I'm takin a stand, baby. Watch out cuz you will NOT get outta this alone. Yer gonna leave this chapter HITCHED. If he does fuck ppl in Costa Rica... I'm just gonna hafta kick is ass. He's RIGHT. I'll love him regardless. And god damn it's gonna hurt. But really, I have faith in him. I don't think he will. If he DOES... oh man, he's gonna get it. I'm just... I'm not gonna take his shit anymore. That anger that was in my poem... It's still here sometimes. I mean when he's gonna try to do shit like tell me he doesn't wanna see me and spend time with me and have a relationship and be with me. UGH. FUCK THAT! I mean, really. No more relationship-related decsions for Matt. We're gonna do it my way this time. And I know we'll both be happy. And some day we're gonna be old drinkin whiskey straight and watchin our grandkids shove each other and we're gonna laugh about this.
Remember that one time? When Kat took a stand? That was good times, wasn't it? ...
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....