Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry Until Matt do us part... June 18, 2004 ~ 5:50 PM This morning when I got into Matt's car... I FELT HIS LOVE. It caught me off guard cuz he's been rejecting it so vehemently... We talked for a little. Kissed. He held me a little. We went to Denny's. He brought me back to 7-11. He had to go. Catch his plane to Costa Rica... He still wants to sleep with other women. Hurts. I'm mostly scared about the plane though... He really had to go. I told him "I love you" and he responded with "I love you, too" without any hesitation. It was barely above a whisper and it came out of his mouth as if escaping. The look in his eyes was so fierce and intense I just know he has realized what he has in me. My faith can only be so strong while I hurt... And worry... Planes... I never did like planes... I'm on my period... so blood in toilet... Reminds me of ... u kno. *sigh* I cheated death a year and a half ago. I hope it doesn't come back and kick me in the ass. I guess his last minute change of heart stems from the thought of actually dying... and not having the choice to have a chance to have a future with me. MattGenuineDraft: i dont know what to do, shit, im not gonna back out now, but jeez, if i do die, i will feel like such a jackass MattGenuineDraft: cuz i would have been alive and had you I am so thankful he came around. My own anger was scaring me and making me feel like a bitch. That is what differentiates between me and my mother. She gets angry where I get sad. The fact that Matt hurt me enough for me to rise from victim to equal aggressor is terrifying. I don't think he will sleep with anyone in Costa Rica. I will be happy so long as he comes home safely to me. I fear wanting more than simply that will give Fate reason to take him away from me. And my desire that he not only comes home safely to me but actually moves in with me to start our future together stifles me with guilt. I should not ask for more than his safe return... But I want so bad for him to come back still completely in love with me like in the 48 minutes we spent together this morning... and that he will have enough self respect to honor his own word this time around. That he'll try with me, that we'll go on a road trip to So Cal, that we will have a future. There is a possibility that he will come back and reject our love once again. There is a possibility that he will die in a plane crash. Or from a snake bite. Or from some crazy disease. My worst fear is the plane crash. I'm checking Yahoo! News every hour until Matt finds a way to call me. The love of my life. Until Death do us part. Unless Matt comes back and hates me again. I am so in love with this boy. I can't lose him. If something happens to him I will never forgive myself for letting him go. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .