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I'm so fuckin fallin apart... UGH *tears out hair heart*
June 19, 2004 ~ 8:15 PM
For the record, I'm still alive.
And sometimes I even feel it." -Chad
Took sleeping pills today... Forced myself to sleep most of the day away... The sick feeling in my stomach is still there when I wake up. But at least I had some sleep... w/o any nightmares...
Worried sick. It's like I'm obsessed. But I don't wanna be. I want to believe in him. I want to believe that Fate will give him no opportunities to sleep with other women and bring him back to me safe and sound. Yesterday morning, he'd told me he loves me... I'd asked him - So you won't sleep with other ppl right? And he's like... well I won't SLEEP with anyone. Implying that he'll prolly fuck someone... So I asked him if he was going to fuck anyone and he told me that he'll know when he gets there... no guarantees. He said something else... He said that if the opportunity is there he's not gonna turn it down. UGH. As Matty Umstead goes all out of his way to try to seduce me and I kick him in the balls. I honestly can't even imagine sleeping with anyone not Matt... not even Matty who I KNOW I could have amazing sex with. And Matt wants to fuck strangers in Costa Rica. That's so fucked up. And I want to cry. And I just... ugh... I'm falling apart. And he still hasn't called me. It feels like more than 2 days... It hurts to worry. I must be hella masochistic. God I love him so fucking much. I need him to be okay. I need him to love me enough to not wanna be with anyone else... To love me and respect me and honor our hearts as much as I do him. Am I asking too much?
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....