Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry A *new* Friend Indeed.... June 30, 2004 ~ 4:28 AM Well as I do often, I was going through my subprofile viewers to see if anyone new is on it... There was. And the sn consisted of... numbers. So I IMed it asking if there was a meaning. Turns out it was just random! Yeh I messed around with the guy a little bit and just played the cliche internet freak... a/s/l/p etc and he was getting annoyed. He turned out to be a friend of my sister. So I started being less... annoying... Lol. Anyway... I surprisingly found a friend in him... 17 years old. Named Andrew from Chino Hills. He is a REALLY good kid. He's like Madman. And me. Another kindred spirit. {This brings up something I was thinking about a few days ago... I don't think of Amber as a kindred spirit, yet she is close if not closer. I settled with her being this amazing seperate entity... Still my rainbow... =) I like rainbows... Yeah there was more thought to that... I jus haven't been writing much} Just listening to him... And talking to him my thoughts. I think I made just a small little difference. And he actually realized it and appreciated it... It made me so happy. I knew I shoulda jus stuck with my first major and became a shrink. =P But this is some of our conversation. The parts where I was messing with him and first met him are on John's computer. Then I switched back to mine and started talking to him again. At this time I am aware of his acquaintance with my sister. FckStartMyHeart: u've gotta be at least slightly sexy... or my sister wudn't talk to u. FckStartMyHeart: unless u are good at math or chem FckStartMyHeart: in which case u cud be used for homework purposes o14738592486305o: dont know about that o14738592486305o: ive only seen her once in my life FckStartMyHeart: oh! really? o14738592486305o: really FckStartMyHeart: hmm... FckStartMyHeart: she's pretty shallow FckStartMyHeart: iono if u noticed. =P o14738592486305o: actually i havent o14738592486305o: she doesnt talk too much about her dating life o14738592486305o: not to me anyway FckStartMyHeart: k. =) FckStartMyHeart: it's all good FckStartMyHeart: u still have long hair? o14738592486305o: real short these days FckStartMyHeart: awww FckStartMyHeart: *sad* FckStartMyHeart: is there anything u don't hate? o14738592486305o: the girl i fell in love with o14738592486305o: and the friends who helped me get over it FckStartMyHeart: =) o14738592486305o: my brothers and family o14738592486305o: guns FckStartMyHeart: friends are great... i wish i had some o14738592486305o: waffles FckStartMyHeart: ooh FckStartMyHeart: do u have a gun? o14738592486305o: dont think ill tell you that either FckStartMyHeart: lol k FckStartMyHeart: well in any case FckStartMyHeart: i hafta go tell my sister she is wrong and u are not so angsty that u hate everything o14738592486305o: well dont tell her that o14738592486305o: shit, thats probably why she talks to me FckStartMyHeart: yeh... sorry... i already did... =( FckStartMyHeart: she'll still talk to u FckStartMyHeart: she's jus a lil disappointed FckStartMyHeart: u won her over with waffles FckStartMyHeart: lol o14738592486305o: what now? FckStartMyHeart: um... woo her with syrup? FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: iono o14738592486305o: are you this curious about everyone? FckStartMyHeart: um... anyone i meet FckStartMyHeart: yeh... basically FckStartMyHeart: lol someone jus told me that i'm anal... FckStartMyHeart: hahahahha FckStartMyHeart: sorry... that's funnty o14738592486305o: anal means pissed off all the time o14738592486305o: how the hell does that fit your personality? FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: it really doesn't mean that FckStartMyHeart: and he hasn't the foggiest the meaning of the word FckStartMyHeart: he jus likes to use words that he hears FckStartMyHeart: he usually doesn't know wut they mean FckStartMyHeart: and then he gets scared of me making fun of him... but i really don't FckStartMyHeart: i jus try to tell him wut it means FckStartMyHeart: while laffing cuz it's funny o14738592486305o: oh o14738592486305o: um o14738592486305o: alright FckStartMyHeart: i laff a lot for someone with severe depression who's suicidal half the time FckStartMyHeart: =P FckStartMyHeart: it really doesn't fit my personality o14738592486305o: well, at least theres balance FckStartMyHeart: and i very rarely get pissed... unless i am within 200 miles of my mother... FckStartMyHeart: which is why i moved 400 miles away o14738592486305o: that sounds good o14738592486305o: to be away from your problems i mean FckStartMyHeart: =D FckStartMyHeart: yes! o14738592486305o: not to actually have problems FckStartMyHeart: i stay away from negative energy FckStartMyHeart: don't want any inmy life o14738592486305o: ive managed to kick my problems straight in the ass FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: very commendable feat o14738592486305o: it does feel nice, yes FckStartMyHeart: i wish i had the... stamina.. FckStartMyHeart: brb FckStartMyHeart: *meow* o14738592486305o: moo FckStartMyHeart: LOL FckStartMyHeart: wow FckStartMyHeart: wait... did u do that on purpose? FckStartMyHeart: or were u mooing like a cow o14738592486305o: couldnt i have been doing both? FckStartMyHeart: oh so u were mooing like a cow FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: yeh if u add me as a buddy FckStartMyHeart: u'll be able to see my buddy icon o14738592486305o: what the hell is that FckStartMyHeart: that's my daughter... er... kitten... her name is Moo o14738592486305o: oh FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: she's CUTE FckStartMyHeart: she sez meow o14738592486305o: i agree FckStartMyHeart: and then i say moo o14738592486305o: cats are cool FckStartMyHeart: and we do this little thing FckStartMyHeart: so when i sed meow FckStartMyHeart: and u sed moo FckStartMyHeart: i thot jen had told u about that FckStartMyHeart: lol o14738592486305o: oh, well i wouldnt have known that FckStartMyHeart: well iono... it's a conversation starter... hey my sister moos at her kitten when she's meowed at FckStartMyHeart: =P FckStartMyHeart: can u direct connect? i've got a pic of her in a pizza box... it's SO adorable.. o14738592486305o wants to directly connect. o14738592486305o is now directly connected. FckStartMyHeart: *yay* FckStartMyHeart: um iono which one it is cuz they're saved by numbers... can i jus send u alla them? lol FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: that's one FckStartMyHeart: i have like.. 10 FckStartMyHeart: or i cud look for it... o14738592486305o: yes, i can count >D o14738592486305o: my cat ran away FckStartMyHeart: no no no... like do u wanna see alla them o14738592486305o: sure FckStartMyHeart: awww... BOO!!! o14738592486305o: i got all nght FckStartMyHeart: that's awful... FckStartMyHeart: when'd yer kitty leave? o14738592486305o: like a month ago FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: that's so sad... FckStartMyHeart: do u kno why? FckStartMyHeart: is it fixed? o14738592486305o: holy fucking hell o14738592486305o: what are you doing to that poor thing? FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: oh that's her daddy FckStartMyHeart: he likes to abuse her sometimes o14738592486305o: who the hell is the daddy? FckStartMyHeart: iono wut he does to her but she's hella violent now cuzza him FckStartMyHeart: cuz him and his freinds used to toss her around FckStartMyHeart: and he'd do all sortsa horrible things to her FckStartMyHeart: ask jen o14738592486305o: thats scandelous FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: that's the icon o14738592486305o: i see now o14738592486305o: i couldnt make it out before FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: she looks fat in that one ^ FckStartMyHeart: lol o14738592486305o: ...... o14738592486305o: sure FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: there it is FckStartMyHeart: that's like my fave pic of her FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: wait FckStartMyHeart: that one is FckStartMyHeart: my bad FckStartMyHeart: lol o14738592486305o: you have a cool little cat FckStartMyHeart: i sure do! FckStartMyHeart: she's ferocious o14738592486305o: im sorry FckStartMyHeart: and she can usually hold her own against daddy now o14738592486305o: i like that FckStartMyHeart: well i'm happy for her FckStartMyHeart: she used to like... jus let him toy with her FckStartMyHeart: it was sad o14738592486305o: that cant be good FckStartMyHeart: FckStartMyHeart: that's daddy FckStartMyHeart: being a GOOD daddy FckStartMyHeart: for once o14738592486305o: ok FckStartMyHeart: u asked who daddy was FckStartMyHeart: well that's Moo's daddy o14738592486305o: um o14738592486305o: thank you FckStartMyHeart: for? FckStartMyHeart: ...... o14738592486305o: i dont know, really FckStartMyHeart: well in that case i suppose u aren't welcome FckStartMyHeart: or are u? o14738592486305o: i suppose thats up to you FckStartMyHeart: yer welcome then... o14738592486305o: thank you FckStartMyHeart: wow... that was strange... FckStartMyHeart: u thanked me... and then u were welcome and now u are thanking me... for welcoming you FckStartMyHeart: am i spose to welcome u agn? o14738592486305o: dont FckStartMyHeart: alright! o14738592486305o: you must live an interesting life FckStartMyHeart: um... FckStartMyHeart: i am dying an interesting death... FckStartMyHeart: a slow one... FckStartMyHeart: i'm really not that much of a pessimist most of the time o14738592486305o: yes i can see that FckStartMyHeart: the love of my life happens to b in costa rica right now trying to fuck other ppl... so in this particular stage in my... death... i see things from the empty glassed side o14738592486305o: im sorry FckStartMyHeart: plus if i were legal for me to buy a gun in california and/or any surrounding states i'd be dead by now... *grumble* FckStartMyHeart: OMG FckStartMyHeart: don't be sorry! o14738592486305o: the girl i love is out somewhere and doesnt give a shit about me, despite the three page letter telling her everything and wishing her the best of luck FckStartMyHeart: i hate when ppl are sorry FckStartMyHeart: =/ FckStartMyHeart: does she love u? o14738592486305o: she thinks im some kind of idiot FckStartMyHeart: {mine loves me he's just an idiot} FckStartMyHeart: hmmm... o14738592486305o: like i said she doesnt give a shit about me FckStartMyHeart: why is it that you fell in love with her? FckStartMyHeart: or you just love her... FckStartMyHeart: wait let's clarify this FckStartMyHeart: for me, there's a difference between being in love... and loving someone very deeply FckStartMyHeart: and loving someone as a friend FckStartMyHeart: and then there's family FckStartMyHeart: so u love her? or u in love with her. o14738592486305o: i cant really tell anymore o14738592486305o: love isnt the same as shared love o14738592486305o: she means something different to me now FckStartMyHeart: yeh i was gonna point out, if u said "in love" that it's not real... cuz it's mutual FckStartMyHeart: so what DOES she mean to you? o14738592486305o: shes an inspiration to my life o14738592486305o: rather than a lost love FckStartMyHeart: that's beautiful o14738592486305o: well, shes going to berkeley, so ill never talk to her again FckStartMyHeart: ... how do u kno? FckStartMyHeart: yer talking to me FckStartMyHeart: and i'm in that area o14738592486305o: i found out shes the type that tries to avoid love by pushing it away o14738592486305o: she wouldnt mind me if she didnt know how i felt about her o14738592486305o: but now she does, and she doesnt want to talk to me FckStartMyHeart: how old is she? o14738592486305o: probably a year older than i FckStartMyHeart: hmmm... commitment is not easy FckStartMyHeart: and long distance FckStartMyHeart: is even harder FckStartMyHeart: when i was in glendora FckStartMyHeart: after i graduated... i had a boyfriend... i adored him... still do... and him me FckStartMyHeart: but... i was goin off to college.. UC Santa Cruz... FckStartMyHeart: so we broke up... o14738592486305o: youre missing the point o14738592486305o: she dislikes me because i love her o14738592486305o: it wouldnt work even if she were still here FckStartMyHeart: yes i was getting to that FckStartMyHeart: but now i lost my train of thought FckStartMyHeart: lol o14738592486305o: its ok o14738592486305o: im passed all the regrets FckStartMyHeart: well my point was that it cudda o14738592486305o: it wouldnt have FckStartMyHeart: um... with time it cudda o14738592486305o: she doesnt have time for love o14738592486305o: shes the workaholic type FckStartMyHeart: that's why u give her time... eventually, she'll realize that's not always what it's all about FckStartMyHeart: and she'll slow down and look around FckStartMyHeart: and if you'd been there FckStartMyHeart: she coulda seen you o14738592486305o: she mightve FckStartMyHeart: and it could have worked o14738592486305o: but she wont, thats just the reality of things FckStartMyHeart: yeh cuz she's far away... apply to UCBerkeley? FckStartMyHeart: =P o14738592486305o: no thanks FckStartMyHeart: where do u plan on goin? o14738592486305o: i cant bother her FckStartMyHeart: if anywhere FckStartMyHeart: it's a HUGE school FckStartMyHeart: lol FckStartMyHeart: if u go up there FckStartMyHeart: an du see her again FckStartMyHeart: it'll be like fate FckStartMyHeart: cuz yeh... FckStartMyHeart: nm FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: yer in a good place right? FckStartMyHeart: i'm not gonna dislodge u o14738592486305o: good place? FckStartMyHeart: as in... um... FckStartMyHeart: emotionally... FckStartMyHeart: spiritually if ur into that o14738592486305o: in a way o14738592486305o: and yes i am FckStartMyHeart: i mostly mean spiritually FckStartMyHeart: but most ppl think i'm weird if i say that FckStartMyHeart: so emotionally is the closest thing i think o14738592486305o: shes given me more than i had hoped for, even though she doesnt realize it FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: so the light surpasses the dark FckStartMyHeart: yay o14738592486305o: im trying to make changes in myself but i lack opportunity to use them o14738592486305o: im talking to this other girl actually, but shes confusing me a little o14738592486305o: she talks to me like she wants to be with me, but she tells me things like "i dont like to be asked out by guys" and how shes shot down all the ones that tried to get close to her FckStartMyHeart: um... maybe she's jus flirty? FckStartMyHeart: but flighty FckStartMyHeart: ? o14738592486305o: well i only want one girl in my life o14738592486305o: if shes trying to tell me shes just going to take off at any time then i shouldnt bother FckStartMyHeart: yeh... don't... not unless she actively pursues YOU FckStartMyHeart: cuz that jus... iono... women are SO confusing FckStartMyHeart: <--- bi FckStartMyHeart: most of the time anyway o14738592486305o: i think she is FckStartMyHeart: yeh FckStartMyHeart: that's how i used to be FckStartMyHeart: very... FckStartMyHeart: iono... FckStartMyHeart: cuz the thing was FckStartMyHeart: i was always "one of the guys" so i'm very comfortable around guys and uninhibited... o14738592486305o: after this last girl i have confidence in my strength to overcome things like this, but that doesnt mean it doesnt scare me a little FckStartMyHeart: the thing is tho... some guys take that wrong and think i'm hitting on them or something FckStartMyHeart: and it's not waht i'm trying to do at all FckStartMyHeart: oh FEAR... there's nothing wrong with that, hun FckStartMyHeart: makes ya more careful o14738592486305o: it might make me pull myself outa this one o14738592486305o: im still weighing it FckStartMyHeart: cuz no matter what, even if u kno u can overcome it... it still hurts FckStartMyHeart: initially or perpetually FckStartMyHeart: the pain is still there an no one likes rejection FckStartMyHeart: u seem like u got a good head on yer shoulders tho FckStartMyHeart: =) o14738592486305o: i dont know about that anymore o14738592486305o: i used to think so, but these days theres a lot to question FckStartMyHeart: u are only 17 and u already have more sense than my ... the love of my life will have when he's 25 o14738592486305o: doesnt take much FckStartMyHeart: yer stronger than u think u r hun o14738592486305o: one day can change your entire perspective FckStartMyHeart: yeah... one moment FckStartMyHeart: sometimes just one word from the right person at the right time FckStartMyHeart: or wrong person at the wrong time FckStartMyHeart: depends o14738592486305o: timing has always been a problem for me o14738592486305o: but i guess all these things i had to suffer through were for the better of me o14738592486305o: bad experiences are experiences nonetheless, and im thankful for them FckStartMyHeart: yes! there's a reason why we can't erase our past {aside from the laws of physics deeming it impossible} ... it's cuz our pasts have so much to do with who we are in the present FckStartMyHeart: they don't define is but they certainly mold us and are a part of us o14738592486305o: im trying to be this new person but i dont know where to start FckStartMyHeart: do what feels right... don't ever TRY to change who u are if it doesn't come naturally... FckStartMyHeart: start with a mindset o14738592486305o: i want to give this girl all of me but i dont even know if shes that deep into it FckStartMyHeart: certain mindset an outlook on things FckStartMyHeart: u need to find that out FIRST FckStartMyHeart: cuz.. ugh. yeh. o14738592486305o: im kinda trying o14738592486305o: its difficult to tell FckStartMyHeart: how close are you two? o14738592486305o: shes known who i am for 4 years o14738592486305o: weve been talking for about a week o14738592486305o: shes told me so much about herself though o14738592486305o: and she tells me things like "ive had dreams about you too" o14738592486305o: and that she has to resist flirting with me o14738592486305o: i still have a lot of this love flowing out of me and im gonna give it to the first person that catches my eye o14738592486305o: she ended up being the one FckStartMyHeart: that's sketchy... o14738592486305o: well its like i said FckStartMyHeart: u don't wanna like... limit yer options tho... maybe there's someone else out there... FckStartMyHeart: who'll love you so much u float FckStartMyHeart: ? o14738592486305o: its ok if she doesnt want me in the end o14738592486305o: ill be able to handle it FckStartMyHeart: but it's really not okay for u to jus give yer all to the first person who catches yer eye, hun o14738592486305o: if she doesnt though im gonna stop looking, it just doesnt seem worth it anymore FckStartMyHeart: =/ FckStartMyHeart: no no no FckStartMyHeart: always keep looking FckStartMyHeart: or rather FckStartMyHeart: don't LOOK FckStartMyHeart: but be alert FckStartMyHeart: hard to explain o14738592486305o: i have to push the rest away FckStartMyHeart: don't search but don't push the rest away either o14738592486305o: i cant let it interrupt me anymore FckStartMyHeart: it shudn't be an interruption, tho... FckStartMyHeart: it shud flow and intertwine... o14738592486305o: its not like i just picked her out either FckStartMyHeart: and the both of u shud thrive o14738592486305o: theres something about her FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: there usually is, isn't there FckStartMyHeart: heh o14738592486305o: she ended up being my exact parallel o14738592486305o: but i guess that doesnt always mean something o14738592486305o: and its not what makes me want to be with her, its something i cant really put into words FckStartMyHeart: i really do wish u the best of luck, then hun... if u think she's the one u wanna give all that amazing love to, then don't give up on it FckStartMyHeart: i'm just saying FckStartMyHeart: make sure... 100% sure... that she's it o14738592486305o: theres no way to know that FckStartMyHeart: cuz u may jus be wasting yer time.. and yer efforts would b for naught FckStartMyHeart: hmmm... just spend more time with her before u try loving her... FckStartMyHeart: take yerself out of the moment o14738592486305o: i dont try to love anyone o14738592486305o: it just happens FckStartMyHeart: being in love is a mutual thing, tho FckStartMyHeart: u need to make sure she's receptive of it FckStartMyHeart: and that she's gonna return it o14738592486305o: i guess ill see some time in the future FckStartMyHeart: careful... heartbreak is the most common way to wear down someone's spirit... FckStartMyHeart: yeh... FckStartMyHeart: =/ FckStartMyHeart: really... good luck tho... o14738592486305o: after the last time i can deal with anything FckStartMyHeart: u seem like a good kid. FckStartMyHeart: and i kno u'll n ok FckStartMyHeart: no matter wut FckStartMyHeart: love is an awesome thing to have tho FckStartMyHeart: with all the intensity of the original meaning of "awesome" o14738592486305o: well i cant expect anything of her o14738592486305o: im having trouble even holding onto the hope o14738592486305o: all the others have gone wrong, it kind of feels like a curse FckStartMyHeart: ugh... FckStartMyHeart: don't EVER give up on love FckStartMyHeart: <3 o14738592486305o: i never gave up on love o14738592486305o: ive given up on finding love o14738592486305o: but ive never given up what i believe in, unlike some people i know FckStartMyHeart: oh sweetie... maybe if you don't look anymore it'll fall in yer lap... {personal experience applied} o14738592486305o: i did stop looking o14738592486305o: thats when i found the last girl FckStartMyHeart: {as a matter of fact i didn't want it anymore... and it smacked me in the face} o14738592486305o: well i guess thats always what happens FckStartMyHeart: yeh... but don't purposely NOT want it.. jus to.. iono... heh. o14738592486305o: the whole year was pretty easy street and then my feelings for her hit me like nothing before FckStartMyHeart: awww FckStartMyHeart: wait which one... #1 or #2 FckStartMyHeart: wait no o14738592486305o: 1 FckStartMyHeart: jus tell me names FckStartMyHeart: i feel bad thinking of them as numbers... o14738592486305o: claudia was the one that left FckStartMyHeart: ok o14738592486305o: sarah is the one im hoping for FckStartMyHeart: and claudia is the one who swerved u off easy street o14738592486305o: yeah o14738592486305o: that was rough times, i had finals and a bunch of 30+ page essays to do in single nights o14738592486305o: my music saved my life FckStartMyHeart: =( FckStartMyHeart: music, eh? FckStartMyHeart: wut music? FckStartMyHeart: and OMG u are so much stronger than i FckStartMyHeart: i turned to drugs and alcohol FckStartMyHeart: bad bad bad bad move FckStartMyHeart: BAD o14738592486305o: yes i know FckStartMyHeart: wut music? o14738592486305o: mostly weezer and incubus o14738592486305o: amazing that ive told you all this o14738592486305o: i havent even known you a day FckStartMyHeart: ... FckStartMyHeart: =) FckStartMyHeart: i'm glad u did o14738592486305o: thanks though o14738592486305o: im actually glad too o14738592486305o: surprises everywhere i suppose FckStartMyHeart: i'm very very open and honest with ppl and i very rarely get the favor returned... jus... genuine open communication... FckStartMyHeart: thank YOU FckStartMyHeart: incubus is very good... FckStartMyHeart: very very good... o14738592486305o: there arent exactly too many people who want to listen to my crap either FckStartMyHeart: lol. it's not crap FckStartMyHeart: every single person has problems and it all matters. FckStartMyHeart: to someone. to some degree o14738592486305o: people have their own problems FckStartMyHeart: i hate when ppl say "u don't wanna hear about my shit... u have so much more IMPORTANT problems... or serious problems, etc" FckStartMyHeart: because any problem is still a problem and it means something to someone so it matters o14738592486305o: its nice to be able to relate some times FckStartMyHeart: yeah... totally o14738592486305o: im hearing all this music that describes the things ive been through FckStartMyHeart: who're u listenin to right now? o14738592486305o: ive got dido on right now o14738592486305o: sarah got me listening to frou frou, which led me to dido FckStartMyHeart: oh she's beautiful... her voice.. mesmerising o14738592486305o: ive had this one song for three years, it didnt mean anything to me until just last month, its death and destruction by weezer FckStartMyHeart: yay for weezer, too... it's weird how songs u've already liked suddenly takes a different meaning... and suddenly makes sense... FckStartMyHeart: i kno songs that have done that o14738592486305o: feels nice o14738592486305o: you know, now that you know this much, i wish i could tell you so much more o14738592486305o: its just difficult to describe FckStartMyHeart: u cud try... FckStartMyHeart: =) i'd love to absorb. o14738592486305o: as much as ive learned about myself, theres still so much i dont understand FckStartMyHeart: i sorta wish i cud talk to u in person... cuz it's so much more... u kno... connected... sometimes u don't even need to describe it cuz i'd feel it... FckStartMyHeart: u have a lot of love o14738592486305o: i know o14738592486305o: it would be nice o14738592486305o: maybe some time in the future FckStartMyHeart: sarah will be very lucky if she accepts ur love... o14738592486305o: id like to think that o14738592486305o: i dont know if i can give her everything she needs o14738592486305o: i dont know how to thank you for saying that o14738592486305o: theres not much i can do with a keyboard FckStartMyHeart: i'm too far away and broke... so unless u have a car and lots of money... i dn't think we'll meet anytime soon... and u won't know what she needs until u are there in it... it's a learning process too, u kno? loving... u love and u live and u learn and eventually u'll figure it out... maybe u can even help her figure out what is it she may need... cuz she might not know either o14738592486305o: thats gotta be the first really reassuring thing ive heard in years FckStartMyHeart: wow... u know what? you made me happy. FckStartMyHeart: i haven't been happy in two months FckStartMyHeart: this is wild o14738592486305o: in 8th grade i tried to block out all these kinds of emotions because of a girl o14738592486305o: looking back i know how weak i was o14738592486305o: just recently they all came crashing back onto me FckStartMyHeart: yeh it sucks... don't let it break u tho... o14738592486305o: i think just two months ago i cried for the first time in like three years FckStartMyHeart: awww... o14738592486305o: those three years i had kind of resorted to hating and wanting to kill everyone FckStartMyHeart: =/ o14738592486305o: thinking that life sucked and i had to be an asshole to survive o14738592486305o: i cant say claudia opened my eyes, just turned me in a new direction o14738592486305o: i think all i listened to was hardcore and death rock for a while, i know im starting to change because its getting harder to enjoy it FckStartMyHeart: that dog eat dog mentality ... ppl do that sometimes... it's GOT to strip you down, tho... i've never done it but i can understand it... i'm glad claudia was able to... bring u out of that... FckStartMyHeart: what direction did u go after that? o14738592486305o: and i thank her every day for it o14738592486305o: i just want to live my life, learn useful things and teach them to other people o14738592486305o: maybe find my peace of mind finally o14738592486305o: give my love to a girl o14738592486305o: die around my 30s FckStartMyHeart: yes! that is not something to be taken for granted... some ppl stay in that mentality and it destroys them eventually... i'm thankful for her, too. peace of mind is hard to find if you are *looking* for love, tho... u may be able to do that... sarah... yeah... u kno my sentiments regarding her... and 30s is too young... there already aren't enough ppl like u in the world, and also it would break the heart of what ever girl u've found to give yer love to o14738592486305o: somehow i dont think im meant to stay with someone for too long o14738592486305o: im not thought provoking when im happy o14738592486305o: i kind of want to be a writer, and hopefully a comic FckStartMyHeart: =) u draw? o14738592486305o: i still think laughter is water for the soul FckStartMyHeart: and what sorta writing? FckStartMyHeart: definitely... water is good. heh. love is good. o14738592486305o: some kind of philosophy thing, hopefully my material is original enough to make a stand as a comic o14738592486305o: ive been trying to work on it but nothing brilliant yet o14738592486305o: maybe because of this thing FckStartMyHeart: don't let it become a block... o14738592486305o: i havent seen her face in a couple weeks and its not going well with me o14738592486305o: i dont let it, it just does, really FckStartMyHeart: =/ get a camera... take a picture of her... FckStartMyHeart: i know it's not the real thing... but i kno FckStartMyHeart: {matt's in costa rica right now} o14738592486305o: yeah i know FckStartMyHeart: that tho i miss him and i sorta hurt... FckStartMyHeart: it's comforting at least a little FckStartMyHeart: when will u see her again? o14738592486305o: i didnt think claudia was beautiful until after i felt the way i did about her o14738592486305o: i dont know, really o14738592486305o: i dont get out much and she has summer school and things o14738592486305o: hopefully some friends of ours will set something up soon o14738592486305o: if ever i end up with her and she has to leave me, i just want her to feel like i did something great for her FckStartMyHeart: yeah! hopefully... do yer friends kno how u feel? o14738592486305o: yeah o14738592486305o: she knows how i feel FckStartMyHeart: then i'm sure if u ask them to set something up they will o14738592486305o: but theres always delay FckStartMyHeart: and bring a camera FckStartMyHeart: ... delay? o14738592486305o: moments of doubt o14738592486305o: time to get to know each other o14738592486305o: time to figure out if its really what one wants o14738592486305o: worries about how the other person really feels FckStartMyHeart: i think you'll get time... FckStartMyHeart: and u'll find that moment FckStartMyHeart: and maybe she'll see o14738592486305o: the days kinda drag though o14738592486305o: im ready to give myself away, but i guess she still has something in the way FckStartMyHeart: it'll go away... FckStartMyHeart: i think it will, anywya o14738592486305o: i remember when i was still having trouble with claudia, for days i kept this letter FckStartMyHeart: ? from or to her o14738592486305o: every day i couldnt give it to her felt like an eternity o14738592486305o: but the next day, it didnt even feel like the last day happened o14738592486305o: because nothing else mattered FckStartMyHeart: yeah... fixation happens FckStartMyHeart: that's love for ya Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .