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"i was trying to prove i wasnt in love with you but it all went horribly wrong" - Matt
July 07, 2004 ~ 8:27 PM
So my proverbial storm is over and the proverbial rainbow seems promising. Matt's admitted/realized that he loves me as much as I tell him he does. Heh. He's agreed to move in with me and he's still going to marry me. When I start working and making money things will be good. Andrew found out that his Sarah does want him. =) And if all the people I care about could find someone special then my life will truly be perfect.
I still have Jon to worry about. He likes a girl who is with someone else. But he's the one she goes to when she needs anything. And she calls him when she's sick. Not her boyfriend. Why? Cuz Jon is an amazing person. And despite the fact, he has yet to "get the girl". I fuckin HATE how life is like that. Awesome guys go single while girls get their hearts broken by jerks... *sigh* The injustice infuriates me sometimes. But if I keep trippin over shit I can't control... I'd go "crazy". =P
And Noah... I spoke to Noah the other night. He is head over heels in love with a certain girl. Says it is even more intense than me and him. But she won't be with him. Cuz he's been with like all her friends and ever her SISTER. And also the intensity of Noah's love. I handled it well cuz I love the same way. Heart and soul and body. Normal people don't do that. Love like that scares normal people. And I'm called things like "obsessed" or "crazy". But that's just the way I love. It's the way Noah loves. She doesn't know what she's missing. He needs to love her in smaller doses and build the relationship. He prolly has me blocked now. I really just want him to be happy... *sigh* and be my friend.
Jen's birthday is today. I feel old. She's 17. That's the year I died inside. And became a star. [Lost my virginity unwillingly] That's the year I moved out. The year I was no longer superficially alone... just emotionally. I was 17 when I became me. It was such a huge turning point in my life and it feels like it was only yesterday. I can't believe she's 17 and I'll be 20 in October. So much has happened. And I hadn't planned on even seeing my 18th birthday. Let alone my sister's 17th. Wow. I hope my mother does something to make her less... shallow. She's awful. But I love her. {Wow, that was such a pointless paragraph}
I've been hanging out with Madman's little friend Scott a lot. He's a cool kid and doesn't hit on me. Always a plus. I like that kid. He's not very smart and sometimes it's a chore talking to him but still he's a good kid. He told me the other day that he's scared he might fall in love with me. And I think from then on I sorta subconciously became ruder or otherwise meaner towards him. I do that sometimes. I don't like to. But it's worse if he falls in love with me. I know better than anyone how it feels to love a good friend who is with someone else. Ouchies. I dunno. I think I can maintain a completely platonic relationship but I hope he can, too. Cuz one of the main reasons I love hanging out with him is cuz I can be close to him and he doesn't take it the wrong way. As most guys would. It's jus... meh...
I am so relieved to hear from my friend Amber. I was getting a little worried cuz she hadn't updated her diaryland. She is still here and going back home soon I think. She still hasn't found a job there yet. And deep down inside I am hoping that she stays in California... She is one of the best people I know and I want her near me... I'm such a selfish bitch. I didn't say anything to her in the email. I know it's not my place to ask her to come to California. However... my purpose is defeated by the fact that she is the only person aside from me with the password to my diary. She reads my diary. And I still write as if no one's looking- I find that's the best way to write. Me and her are such different people and yet we are the same. It's awesome. She is a kindred spirit. It's this weird desire to hold her hand. I jus want her near me. I want her to be more than an "internet friend". Because in my mind and heart she is just so much more than that. Bottom line is that I like her and I'd like her to be here cuz I wanna surround myself with positive energy. But I won't ask her to come here. Someday, tho. I kno I'll meet her. Whether it be in a few months or a few years, I kno I'll meet her. She's definitely getting an invite to my wedding.
Speaking of... I wonder if Matt's gonna propose to me again or if our original wedding date is reinstated. ? I've been sorta scared to ask. I'm shying away from his making ANY promises for fear of them being broken and my being VERY disappointed and hurt again. I can't trust him. But I foolishly do. So I'm just trying my best not to ask anything permanant or huge of him. He has said that he's moving in and that he's planning on marrying me. I guess that's enough? Or already too much. It's commitment that kills me. The fact that he makes a promise and in my mind I'm so set on it and then he changes his mind... and leaves me in the DUST. Little things reassure me. Like today he was online in Costa Rica... and he went over his time limit but he said that it's worth it cuz he's talking to me. It's expensive to go online there. And just something like that makes me feel better about everything. But I'm scared of getting my hopes up. Cuz he could still change his mind when he's back living with his parents. Listening to them bitch at him all the time about being with me. I just... I love him so much. I want nothing more than our happily ever after. Right now he misses me and feels the same. But with his parents riding his ass about me... I'm not so sure how strong he is. After all... he's still a little boy. And no matter how much faith I have in him, it doesn't mean jack shit if he convinces himself of hating me again. I just... I don't think I can do it again. The strong assertively angry thing. It was exhausting and I'm glad I didn't have to go through with it. It wears me out and wears me down. When he came back I was prepared to FORCE him to move in with me. For the greater good or what not. Cuz I knew that if he moved in with me things would work out. And I told him that after a month if he still hated being with me, that he could walk out and I wouldn't follow. GOD DAMN. I was terrified that he might walk out after the month even though I knew he wouldn't. Cuz I promised. And I would have had to let him go. It's hard to explain cuz I had so much faith in him but the fear was still there. And it was DRAINING me. I would have had to DO that. I mean SHIT. I'm so glad he came around that I don't even care that he cheated on me! I just have some trust issues now that I have to deal with. Issue being that I trust him and know I shouldn't. I've given my heart to this boy. And he's had it. And hurt it. But when it comes down to it he still HAS it. So what, really, can I do but trust him? I mean, I love him SO much. And right now he's loving me JUST as much if not more. I just.. Iono... Even with is rediscovered love- everything is still on the line and I'm still scared shitless deep down inside. I'm happy right now but there's still that underlying fear. I don't know if I truly trust him but innately I do. Foolish love. Foolish pride.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....