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God, I love this boy so much....

...and my lil kitten Moo, too.

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Dried tears feel funny on my face...

July 23, 2004 ~ 1:16 AM

*sigh* I was so good today. He neglected me1, ignored me2, pretended I didn't exist3, left me4, denied me5, brushed me off6, and was generally on/off pissy all evening/night. {There were little spurts of love/affection here and there, too} I didn't even bitch. Not once. I was doing so good!!!THEN. Boy oh boy did he ever cross the line. THEN I got to "yell" at him and "freak out" and "lecture him". My problem being... I can't muster up anger anymore. I have too much love for him. And he's being sweet most of the time again. So when he's an asshole... I hurt again. Instead of being angry. I mean when I got angry, I was hurt but the anger superceded the pain. Now it's jus a whole mess of pain. *yay* for having a diary cuz now I get to bitch all the bitchings I didn't get to bitch today!!!

1-He's spose to get off work @ 2. Told me yesterday he'd come get me today at 3. He's a 15 minute drive away. 2 rolls around. I text message him asking him if he's on his way. No response. 3 rolls around. Text him again. No response. Now it's 4. Text him again, he tells me he's still at his work helping out. Well ya know, ya cudda told me this a few hours ago, buddy. I don't see him until 5. Turns out, he clocked out at 2:30 when he was spose to. Just decided to stay at work and do wutever for no pay... w/o informing me... as I sit around and wait for him and worry cuz ppl don't ever stop reminding me that he's cheated on me before.

2-So when he finally gets here I'm all excited to spend time with him and he's like we're goin to Rough's. Ok well sure I love Rough but we'd spent the last 2 days with Rough. I wanted alone time with Matt. I told him that and he ignored me. He's like we can hang out with Rough. Meh. On the drive there I asked him, "If you cheated on me again you'd tell me, right?" And then he got upset with me and stopped talking to me and wouldn't hold me hand. Good question. No answer. Just anger. I think I offended him... Hmmm... well maybe now he knows how it feels when he always assumes the worse of me. And when he calls me "bitch" and "fucker" and "whore" and wutnot. *yay* karma. Of course, unlike him, I immediately apologize profusely... as he continues to be pissy and ignore me. I force him to hold my hand. It's all good.

3-We get to Rough's. Being with his friends = minimal physical contact. Etc etc. And usually he'll try to make sure that him and his friend are not in the same room as me. With only three ppl, that leaves me alone. He pretends I'm not there. Even when I try to sit on him. Or something. I gave up on that endeavor quickly and played Civ 3 on Rough's Mac.

4-So yeah, after taking me to hang out with Rough against my will {nothing against Rough, I'd just really been looking forward to spending the day with my boyfriend ALONE and was denied that} Matt LEAVES me with Rough. OMG. He goes off to pick up his sister and decides that I can't come with him. SO me and Rough talk to his neighbors. Werd. UGH!

5-Matt comes back and we need to go to Safeway. Taking Rough's car. I asked Matt to sit in the back with me. {Since I'd been feeling jilted to begin with} He said no. I ask again. Please? No. PLEASE? No again. Matt, please sit in the back with me. Still a no. He kept telling me I'll be okay. No fucking shit I'll be okay. I just prefer to be near him cuz I hadn't been able to be near him all fucking day. I get into the back, close to tears, and hold my breath lest I started sobbing. Which I felt like doing. Which sucked. Cuz it hurt. He won back those points, tho, by sitting with me in the back on the way back to Rough's house. I only had to ask once.

6-Rough wanted Chinese so we went to Ming's. Matt brushed me off. He had his arm around me at one point. But in general tried to stay as far away from me as possible. And when we walked back to Rough's car he wouldn't hold my hand. Jus sorta brushed me off. Ouch.

And all that time. I didn't say a WORD about how much he sucks. Lol. THEN! OH boy. Did he ever fuck up. We drove back here to drop me off cuz he needed to wake up tomorrow at 5A. He works at 6. So when we get here we park and I straddle him and we do the kissy thing and I rest my head on his shoulder cuz I like the way his heartbeat feels against my chest and I basically jus wanted to hold him for a few minutes. And he was like "I need to get to bed can you get off of me?" And I told him "Eventually" cuz I wanted to hold him for like 2 more minutes. And, get this, he was like "Fucking bitch" under his breath. And THEN I started crying. And started to bitch at him. Lol. Yeah. {He deserved it, dammit} During which he called me a fucker and a whore and a psycho bitch and basically made me feel like shit and cry more. He had the audacity to tell me "You were doing so good today, I was surprised. You didn't freak out on me til now". WTF. I wouldn't have "freaked out" if he hadn't pulled that last asshole move getting pissed cuz I wanted to hold him. I mean granted he thought I was gonna keep him there for 2 hours {why does this boy think he's rational? i know he needs sleep and needs to go... oye} but even if I was gonna he shudn't have bitched about it. I was SO good the whole day and didn't bitch AT ALL. And he bitches cuz I wanna cuddle. That's bullshit. Darn tootin Imma cry and u better believe Imma "freak out" on you. At one point I asked him why he doesn't care about my happiness cuz if he cares only of his own the relationship won't work. His retort: "I care less and less about this relationship every day". Which I knew was bullshit but you guys know by now that just because I kno he doesn't mean it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me like holy FUCK. I grabbed him by the chin and made him look me straight in the eye and asked if he meant it. He had the good grace to blush and he said "No" without any hesitation. Of course with a little communication all was well. He apologized like he always does and promised to try harder like he usually does. Communication is key. Rough was telling me today how I was obsessive when I was in LA cuz I kept calling Matt when he was mad at me. That's the thing tho. If he'd PICKED UP AND TALKED TO ME, I woulda stopped calling. I just knew that if me and Matt talked things through everything would be ok. Cuz it always is. He just needs things drawn out and outlined for him. That boy loves me so much and I can see it most of the time and even when I don't, I know it's there. I just have a lot of... fear... insecurity... mistrust... cuz he seemingly doesn't know what the fuck he's doin. I know that at this point in our lives, Matt really doesn't deserve me. He doesn't even realize how lucky he is to have me. He is damned lucky I took him back let alone forgave him and WANTED him back. But once he gets over himself... and grows up... of course it'll be different. He'll deserve me, alright. And he'll love me better than anyone in the whole entire world can. Me and him have something amazing that nothing will ever break. Matt needs to realize that anything I do is a direct response to HIS ACTIONS. If he's an asshole I'm gonna trip out and cry etc. If he's a fucker, I'm gonna be a bitch. And yes, I've sunk to his level: when he calls me names, I call him names back. It's stupid. And it reminds me of when me and my sister used to bicker when I was like... 10. But yeh. Fire with fire. Tit for tat. Once we get over that- his little hissy fits, and my reactions to those- we'll be just *grand*. Cuz aside from these little petty setbacks, he's a perfect boyfriend to me. Loving and affectionate and playful and adorable.
Like I told him tonight during our spat. I know for a fact that he loves me- it's whether or not he CARES about me that I need to ascertain.

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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�

August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...

July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol

July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*

July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo

July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....

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