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~I am feeling .
~I look at the moment.
~I am listening to right now.


God, I love this boy so much....

...and my lil kitten Moo, too.

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Lol. Wow.... Yeah... Wow...

July 23, 2004 ~ 4:29 AM

Lol. Remember when I wrote that poem about Matt? Rough actually put it on his geocities site. I wrote this:

haunting my nights
two lazy green eyes
and they spell my demise
filled with love
and with hatred
driven on, fueled by the lies

the life i live
the life i love
the life i know
i live for love

blood from my heart
trickles red through his hands
it reeks of my pain
of his coldness and anger
denial is strong in his insecure land

his hate feeds my resolve
so hey lets piss him off!

you're a coward for runnin
throw a tantrum; now hidin
stand up be a man, little boy
you've got all these fucked up ideas
in yer head or whatever
delusions stemming from
your family and anger
sweetie, yer mommy can't breast feed you forever
hurt me all you want, my dear
hate me all you try
why do you not understand that
I LOVE YOU, you selfish fucker
you love me too and so i'll get you back
once you grow a spine
and fear with more tact
own up to yourself
and start keeping promises
no more "I change my mind"
take fuckin responsibility
there're gonna be some changes

because when he
told me "I love you"
he meant it
because he told me "I hate you"

but you never did, Matt

fuck him for stripping me
down on my knees
for taking away what i do
how i do
when i please
and fuck him for making me
beg for his love
his piece-of-shit antics
will not be enough

Matt, i can easily live without you
i am sorry to say, that is not what i choose
you held me
i felt you
and you told me "forever"
now go learn some english, you lil mother fucker

i don't care how much
he bombards me with pain
i will persevere
and i'll love him the same

i love him now just as much as i did
there ain't jack shit he can do
to eradicate it
hurt me all he likes
make me bleed all my blood
but til the day that i die
I WON'T FUCKING GIVE UP

I am in love.
I guess Rough showed Matt the poem. Lol. And Matt replied to it. I wish I'd known he'd written something I woulda responded. =P But this is what Matt wrote:
bitch you are crazy,
psycho bitch
you need help
psycho bitch
go to hell
psycho bitch
suck my dick ho
go to hell
leave me alone
eat a dick
PsYCHO BITCH
dont move to santa cruz
no one loves you
your family sucks
everyone hates you
i was only with you to get to your sister
PsYCHO BITCH
i know english
you stupid chink
i dont love you
i used you for sex
I USED YOU FOR SEX
i dont want to be with you
i would rather die
i never wanna be with you
i hate you
you make me sick
....
PsYCHO BITCH
Cute. Real cute. Lol. Yeah sure it hurts like fuck but I'm really laughing. It's pretty... Iono. Cuz I'm right. And he can't rhyme. Lol. But then I don't really rhyme everthing either. The main difference between my poem and Matt's "rhyme" is the fact that he doesn't feel that way anymore. And mine is still a pretty accurate portrayal of him. I'm an extremely objective person. That's why I'm always right. Lol. So basically the difference is I'm right and he was wrong. And now we're good again. Are you seeing the shit I had to go through? It's not as bad anymore, of course. But I still get little spurts of it. Hurts like fuck but hey. My devotion is boundless. I'm never gonna let this boy go. I love him too much. I choose forgiveness because I believe in love more than hatred and bitter anger. My poem was indeed anger. But really, not one part of it was a biased opinion. Well, some was, maybe to some extent, but mostly I was just psychoanalyzing him. That's Matt in a nutshell and don't worry he's not that bad anymore. Lol. Just in that time, he was very much... that. But it's ok. I mean things have changed a lot. This was the past. Imma break this down.

First with my poem {stanza by stanza}:
haunting my nights
two lazy green eyes
and they spell my demise
filled with love
and with hatred
driven on, fueled by the lies
Well his eyes are still green but they aren't filled with hatred anymore... and even before I think it was mostly frustration and his anger was a shield he put up on his own. I was very much so driven by his asshole-ness but I'm no longer like that... I get sad again... I no longer have an angry fire to fuel
the life i live
the life i love
the life i know
i live for love
Not gonna touch this. It will always be true
blood from my heart
trickles red through his hands
it reeks of my pain
of his coldness and anger
denial is strong in his insecure land
He's no longer killing me slowly metaphorically... or otherwise. lol. =D He's now breathing life back into my bloodless body... ew sounds gross... love and nourishment. <3
his hate feeds my resolve
so hey lets piss him off!
I don't really need resolve anymore. Just a little patience. But yeah, I'm sure this pissed him off. But mostly cuz he knows it's TRUE. =P
you're a coward for runnin
throw a tantrum; now hidin
stand up be a man, little boy
you've got all these fucked up ideas
in yer head or whatever
delusions stemming from
your family and anger
sweetie, yer mommy can't breast feed you forever
hurt me all you want, my dear
hate me all you try
why do you not understand that
I LOVE YOU, you selfish fucker
you love me too and so i'll get you back
once you grow a spine
and fear with more tact
own up to yourself
and start keeping promises
no more "I change my mind"
take fuckin responsibility
there're gonna be some changes
This was all true. He has, however, grown up a little since then. Or a lot. I did get him back. He doesn't care about what his family thinks anymore. Selfish... he's still selfish... he told me so himself, tonight during our little spat. He does love me. Iono if he's scared anymore. I think he's pretty sure of forever this time. And I won't LET him break anymore promises to his disgruntled dismay sometimes. But I make it worth his time. Oh. And there are some changes. Lots. He hates them. Lol. I won't apologize for fighting back this time around. And being a bitch. He kept calling me a bitch. I got a clue and became a bitch. Obviously subliminal messages on his part. =P Hahahaha. Boy does he ever hate the changes
because when he
told me "I love you"
he meant it
because he told me "I hate you"
He did mean it when he said he loves me. And he still does. And he only told me he hated me once more since coming back from Costa Rica. When he did that I went off on him calling him an immature, ungrateful mother fucker. Something real sweet and loving like that. That was our first big fight. And it turned out ok, of course, cuz we talked about it. I made him. Heh
but you never did, Matt
He never did. I don't think he ever will. Cuz I think he loves me like I love him. In which case, he'll never hate me
fuck him for stripping me
down on my knees
for taking away what i do
how i do
when i please
and fuck him for making me
beg for his love
his piece-of-shit antics
will not be enough
Yeh that sucked. He's changed me so much. And he often comments on how much like him I am now. *growl* I beg a lot, don't I? That's something that needs to stop... *sigh*
Matt, i can easily live without you
i am sorry to say, that is not what i choose
you held me
i felt you
and you told me "forever"
now go learn some english, you lil mother fucker
Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be easy to live without him. But I can easily find another cute boy to adore me. I wouldn't ever want anyone but my Matthew George Duncan, though. I've got my *heart* set on him. Buh-dum-dum-chh... lol. And I think, he's learned what forever means. *smile*
i don't care how much
he bombards me with pain
i will persevere
and i'll love him the same
You better believe he did. And you better believe I did. Damn straight I love him just the same
i love him now just as much as i did
there ain't jack shit he can do
to eradicate it
hurt me all he likes
make me bleed all my blood
but til the day that i die
I WON'T FUCKING GIVE UP
I sure didn't! And he gave his best shot. But as he said himself, he tried proving to himself he didn't love me and it went horribly wrong. *wink*
I am in love.
DUH
K now THAT was tedious. Lol. Now Matt's poem{line by line minus repeats}:
bitch you are crazy,
psycho bitch
I'm not. He was driving me crazy, though. And I'm crazy in love with him. But I'm not... that. And OMG can you say "redundant"? Heh
you need help
psycho bitch
I never needed help. But HE did. He needed anger management help. Actually... he still does. He's got such a temper, freaks out over nothing
go to hell
psycho bitch
Eh. He put me through hell. He did a good job. Very hellish. As a matter of fact, I refer to those periods of May/June 2004 as Hell
suck my dick ho
Been there, done that. Ho isn't insulting it's my last name. Lol
go to hell
leave me alone
I was in hell. And no fucking way was I gonna leave him alone. Why does he get to be happy if I had to be in hell? Ooooh... first signs of SPITE on my part
eat a dick
Whose?!?! Was he offering? Personally I'd like to keep that in tact. I may need it sometime. =O
PsYCHO BITCH
dont move to santa cruz
Well it's too bad I'm not so obedient when he's breaking my heart...
no one loves you
My mommy loves me. And my daddy. And my sister. And Amber and Madman and Andrew and Zac. And oh hey... MATT LOVES ME
your family sucks
Yes my family does indeed suck. I'm the one who told him that
everyone hates you
Only cuz he convinced them to. But he didn't ever really hate me I don't think. He was just trying to convince himself he did. People who lie to themselves are awful
i was only with you to get to your sister
Naw, dawg. He wasn't into my sister. I tried to hook them up. Lol. Didn't work. He wudn't even KISS her. He liked me too much *grin*
PsYCHO BITCH
i know english
Just not as well as I do... as is apparent in the contrast of our poems
you stupid chink
I'm smarter than Matt
i dont love you
Liar, liar, pants on fire
i used you for sex
No you didn't
I USED YOU FOR SEX
NO YOU REALLY DIDN'T
i dont want to be with you
i would rather die
He obviously changed his mind
i never wanna be with you
Hi... He's with me everyday. And he's gonna be with me for the rest of his life. So someone else was obviously RIGHT
i hate you
(He doesn't)
you make me sick
Well he frustrates the fuck out of me so I guess that makes us even, eh?
....
.... indeed
PsYCHO BITCH
Yes, you said that already... lol.
That was less tedious. But sorta painful. I really think he needs to seek help. About that anger. It makes me sad. And it scares me. A lot. Cuz it means pain. *sigh* He's perfect. I hate it. He's such perfection and I could not ask for more than to have him by my side for the rest of my life. No matter how many flaws he has... he's still perfect. Wow.. I'm all over the place.

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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�

August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...

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July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo

July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....

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