Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry The sound of the ocean.... July 28, 2004 ~ 3:05 AM You almost always pick the best times To drop the worst lines You almost made me cry again this time Another false alarm Red flashing lights Well this time not going to watch myself die I think I made it a game to play your game And let myself cry I buried myself alive on the inside So I could shut you out And let you go away for a long time I guess it's ok I puked the day away I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way And if you want me back You're gonna have to ask I think the chain broke away And I felt it the day that I had my own time I took advantage of myself and felt fine But it was worth the night I caught an early flight and I made it home I guess it's ok I puked the day away I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way And if you want me back You're gonna have to ask Nicer than that Nicer than that With my foot on your neck I finally have you Right where I want you I guess it's ok I puked the day away I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way And if you want me back You're gonna have to ask Nicer than that And if you want me back You're gonna have to ask Nicer than that ^Singing that at the top of my lungs... over the sound of Marvel vs Capcom 2. I guess it's confession time. After losing faith in love... I thought I didn't give a shit about anything anymore. I was wrong. I still care about Matt. Cuz I realize that whether or not he likes it or I like it, he's the only one who can reestablish my faith in love again. By reinstilling my faith in me and him. I tried so hard to be normal today. The boys were all about today. We were cleaning. I broke down and started crying... I realize that it's impossible for me to do this. Cuz I didn't want to help them clean. Even though my shit makes their living room hella messy. Mostly my stuff. But I didn't want to. And you know what? I should have. Before, I woulda gladly did it. All in all, I just hate the person I am now. I offended them. Cuz they wanted me to help clean... my stuff... and I didn't want to. I just realized then that I can't live like this. This isn't the person I want to be. But it's the person I am w/o my faith in love. And I tried to find it again. Tell myself that Matt will change and he'll come back to me. And it just wasn't there. And I laughed cynically at myself. That's when I broke down. When I realized that all is lost. Because I don't think I even want Matt anymore. Just more pain. There's no such thing as true love. So the pain isn't worth it. And yet, two days ago, I was willing to take all his shit w/o complaint if only he'd take me back. I was just gonna let him change on his own cuz all the little hurts are not as bad as the huge hurts that happen when I try to make him see he hurts me. I talked to Madman. Madman made me realize that this cycle is just that... a cycle. It will go on forever. And I'll just be happy and hurt and happy and hurt and happy and hurt over and over and over and over and over and over and over again for the rest of my life. Now before... it woulda been different. I woulda been like... no he'll come around. He can change. He loves me. He's trying. Etc etc etc. It'll work cuz love conquers all. You know... my usual bullshit. I woulda said something like... I'll take it cuz I love him. I'll wait for him cuz I love him. Yeah... My reaction was: you're right. He's never gonna change. I'm just so... over it. Iono. Ugh. I'm so fucking confused right now. I was so over it. I was just like I'm not gonna fucking wait for his ass. He has no idea what he's doing. I don't have enough faith in love to wait for him. Cuz I thought we were over. That he'd never come back to me. That... iono. That it'd never work cuz there isn't such a thing as true love. Madman left. And I left. I left with every intention of never coming back. Dropped some shit off for Matt at the Boardwalk cuz RLo is almost always working and Matt'll eventually venture into there for free food. I went to the cliff me and Matt sat on together one beautiful afternoon... he'd said something about having sex on it. Lol. I just sat there. Got a hold of K Stan. Tell him to not try to get Matt to talk to me. Cuz I sorta jus gave up. He was gonna try to help me. He's a good person. I was actually gonna kill myself last night. But before I left I checked my messages on AIM and K Stan had said something about hanging out with Matt today and talking some sense into him. For some weird reason, that little tiny spark of hope was enough for me to stay home. That boy saved my life I suppose. But after the convo with Madman today... Iono... I realized there is no hope. There's only Matt. A scared, immature little asshole. Who I happen to be very much in love with. {This song by Good Charlotte- Hold On- just came on and it made me cry iono why} So I just wanted to thank K Stan for trying to try to make Matt come around. And to tell him that it's useless. That kid was genuinely worried I think. I asked him once why he gives a fuck if me and Matt don't give a fuck. He said something about how happy me and Matt are together. Iono. This is a shitty turn of events. Cuz I mean, I can be fine without Matt. And even happy. But I hate myself. I'm a fucking PRICK, dude. To like... everyone and anyone. And I honestly don't give a shit about anything or anyone. I'm not even sure if I want Matt back. I most definitely don't care about hurting people's feelings anymore. =P Iono. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I thought something like this would happen if I gave up on Matt. I thought I'd just lose my self respect cuz I claim to have so much faith in love it would be shameful to give up on love. But I lost more than just self respect. I lost all my faith in love. I don't even know what to do anymore. I wanted to die not because Matt doesn't want me back, I could care less about that, but because I honestly can't live with myself. Cuz this person I am now... oh god... it's the embodiment of everything I hate... hateful, cynical, jaded, rude, dispassionate, ugliness. I wanted to be remembered as a good person. That friendly, honest, nice, unjudgemental person that had so much faith in love and so much love for everything and everyone {except Bush}. Matt had to ruin everything. Before I died, I wanted to know if he loves me. Iono why. Just had to know. Cuz the suicide I was planning was only indirectly related to Matt. But I just had to know if he loved me the day I died. We texted each other for a while. And then... he had to do the thing I least expected. Which was to call me. I mean we only talked for abotu 10 minutes. But the fact that he actually called shocked the heck outta me. Didn't affect my faith in love. But my faith in him... It's like... I've been holding my breath all this time and he reminds me that hey... I can inhale and I haven't inhaled yet but now I realize I can. {It makes sense in MY head} So he loves me... but he doesn't wanna be with me. Aight. Lol. I don't really give a shit if we get back together but did he hafta confuse me like that? Lol. I mean... if you love someone wouldn't you wanna be with them? I mean, I'm different. I'm in love with him and I can give a flying rat's ass if we get back together. But it's not like I DON'T want it. Iono. Meh. Something he did do, though... He said "geepers" and for some weird reason, that did a little spark thing in my heart. And something inside me warmed just a little. I still feel it. That's why I'm home. Cuz I took that spark and ran with it. I extracted a reason to go another day. He's gonna see me today at 4P. Iono. If he hadn't said he'd see me today, I would still be out there. Whether it's sitting on the wharf... or floating in oblivion. I was so confused tonight. I honestly didn't know if I would come back... or die out there in the ocean again. At least this time wouldn't have been for love. This time... for me... to preserve my old persona in the minds of the ones who've touched my life. Matt is my only hope right now. And though I expect jack shit from him... it's still hope. If he comes through, he comes through. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Like tonight. If he hadn't agreed to see me today I would have stayed out there but once he agreed to come see me I started walking back here to Chestnut. You know what, though? I don't even know if I want to see him. He doesn't want to be with me. And I could care less. So ... Iono what I'm trying to achieve. I guess I just want to see if I could find some of that old faith again. Like I said, he's my only hope in that aspect. If I died right now, I'd die happy knowing that the love of my life does indeed still love me. Kat, you ask, doesn't that mean you believe in love? Like I said: confused. I don't fucking know. All I kno is I don't care about anything anymore and that's a HUGE jump from caring about EVERYTHING. I don't care about money or food or school or people or animals or music {nm i still love music} or all my shit in my car or my future in general. It's pretty crappy, dude. It's like when I gave up on Matt... something inside me gave up on love in general. I just don't believe anymore. But hearing Matt's voice today. Hearing him say that he loves me... Iono. Cud just be bullshit. Like Madman said yesterday, Matt may never TRULY love me. If he did, he wouldn't pull this immature shit. He wouldn't hate communicating to better our relationship. He wouldn't hurt me. All that good shit. He's made promises before and he's also changed his mind about them later. He's said "I love you" before but he's also said "I hate you". I cannot take his word. Rough and me and Madman all know that. Does Matt? I'd be a fucking idiot if I just took his word. His words and sentiments change with the tides and it's the actions that speak so loudly that I've lost faith in love. And yet... hearing him tell me he loves me... it did something. Assuring me that Madman is an idiot and that he CAN change and WILL change... that did something, too. I just don't know yet. That's why I wanted to see him today. Because it might do something. And help me realize what his words did tonight. What his actions could do later today. If he comes... that action will speak volumes. It might do something. It might not. In any case, I need to see him. Just to see if there's anything there still. I say I still love him but really I have no fucking clue. It's something I feel but I'm not sure how I feel. Only cuz I give a shit about Matt more than others. Cuz I don't give ANY shit about others and I give a small little turdie for Matt. Yeah wow I am so fucking confused. Tomorrow at 4, if he comes, then that'll say something. And I'll have something to tell Madman. See? He changed. He actually kept his word for once. =P Lol. Jk. He has before. Iono. Really, he made me ridiculously happy more often than he hurt me. Just the pain was worse. Iono. I'll see tomorrow. For now... yeah... I have no fucking clue about anything. Lol. I don't even know where I'm gonna live. Cuz I'm not about to move to Watsonville without Matt. And I'm not about to start paying rent to sleep on the living room floor of a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 boys. *sigh* My future... I don't know if I have one. But I know this: the sound of the ocean- the sound of death, because I've always equated it to death- sounded oh so lovely to me tonight. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .