Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 ~ 4:54 PM
He wrote me an email. And then... he came over. Like he said he would. He tried to get out of it. I didn't really try to convince him to come. I didn't think he would. I just texted him with "You said you would come see me. You're not gonna stand me up, are you?" And he came. He surprised me in doing such. And when I gave him a hug I didn't feel anything. And when we sat down in the car I didn't feel anything. The first time I kissed him I didn't feel anything. The second time I kissed him I didn't feel anything. Third time... I felt a little bit of something. It wasn't what I used to feel. But it wasn't nothing. The intensity of the love I had for him seems ridiculous in my current state. I will do not think I will ever be able to achieve that love again. But there is something here. In his email to me he told me "I did not fall in love with the girl you have become, i fell in love with the kat from last summer ... the playful, lighthearted, cares about everything kat ... the sweetest lil kitty in the world.." I don't see myself becoming that again. Or even the girl I'd become for him. My whole world has disappeared. But I've finally inhaled. Matt told me to breathe and I did. I don't want anything from him right now. That should make our relationship easier. But him keeping his promises is the best personaly therapy I can get right now. No more breaking promises. In all objectivity because I no longer really believe in him anyway. And I no longer need him to keep his promises in order to not break my heart. My heart is beyond broken. It's in ICU on life support walled up, holed in, and the room guarded by ten hundred cynical asshole soldiers who won't let ANYONE in. I just want him as a roomate. And maybe not even for a long time. I have no idea what I'm doing right now. It's hard to think with my head so far up my ass. =P Hahahahhaha. Yeah... Matt shaved his head. He looks like a fucking idiot. I wonder if I woulda thought he looked like an idiot if I were still madly in love with him. ? Matt is a mean to an end and nothing more right now. He's the only one who might be able to make me believe again cuz he's the only one my soldiers have any respect for. I'm not gonna say that everything is gonna be okay. Cuz I have no idea. I'll see as the days go by. Matt will move to Las Lomas with me. Not as my boyfriend but as a roomate. Maybe friends with benefits. Cuz really... he can't hurt me anymore. No one can. I am beyond hurt. I had no feelings. Anger and hatred maybe, but aside from that, no feeling at all. So nothing to hurt. Since he can't hurt me, I can take all his shit no question. He'll move in with me but he won't live there until the 6th. I told him before the 7th or nothing. He agreed. Says he'll move in on the 6th at 11:56PM. Lol. What a loser. But right now he's the only one I feel anything with or for so I'm gonna fuckin run with this. I'm not even gonna make an effort to save myself. I'm jus gonna chill and see if I'm saved. If nothing happens then I don't even have any evidence to destroy. You guys need to understand something here- I don't want to die. I never did. I was going to die because the world needs less people like me and more people like the idiot I used to be. Erg... the idiot that Matt wants me to be again. Lol. Oh boy. This is gonna be interesting. I don't know what I wanna do with my life anymore. I'd wanted to be a 3rd grade teacher to make a difference in childrens' lives and the future. But, dude, I really don't give a shit about the futures of anyone anymore. So... Iono what I wanna do. Maybe I can keep doing Carico. I might just give into door to door. Which might get me fired but meh. I dunno. *sigh* All I know is... that I don't know anything right now. Lol. Iono. Not really. I mean... I know I love Matt. And that he makes me feel things. I know that there are a lot of ppl who care about me but they don't know how horrible a person I am now. And I know if I keep being like this I'm going to lose all of my friends. I know that Matt is my link to... anything... cuz I have anger and hatred and that's it. Moo... I know I love Moo. I'm grateful to anyone who tells me I'm still a good person but none of them have experienced new me. Cept Moo. Who is curled up by my side right now. Even though I got annoyed with her earlier and threw her across the room. Three times. Oye. Loyalty of a cat. I kissed her head and she started purring right now. Sweet little Moo. Matt isn't the boy I fell in love with, either. That boy... would have done anything for me. He would have died in order to save my life. I don't know what I have now but if I can't have him I won't have any contact with the world of ... good. Can I be a good person again? Can I be loving again? Unjudgemental? Selfless? Altruistic? Openly friendly to anyone? Can I? We'll see. With more time spent with Matt we'll see. Without him loving me, I won't have a hope in the world. I'd be fine with that, too. Maybe I could make everyone hate me first, then die. Wanting to die beautiful in the eyes of others is selfish when I know I am now hideous. I really don't know. I'll see. We'll all see. Instead of living life I'll let life happen to me. I will keep a sharp ass fucking eye on Matt and his promises. Cuz that has a LOT to do with my spiritual healing. Him coming through for me. I wonder if I'll love him like I did before. I wonder if I'll ever give a shit about anything again. =/ One thing that I am thankful about... I am SO thankful that I felt something when I kissed Matt. I would have been even more desolate if I hadn't. At least I now have SOMETHING. No matter how small... the significance is tremendous.
I'm so cold. Inside and out.
»MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES«
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....