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juss wanted to ramble...
July 23, 2002 ~ 11:51 PM
I look at my life, and I'm not really sure that I like the person I've become. I try to be a good person. I try hard to be the best person I can possibly be... and then... at times... I feel like a slut. If I look at myself objectively, I would consider myself promiscuous. I dunno. I really can't say it's all Emilio's fault. I like sex. And I do like to share an emotional bond with that person too. But in Mexico, that was terrible. And after I was sober, I cussed myself out for it. I feel like such a whore. But then, camping, not even a week ago, I almost did it again. That is, had sex with a guy who isn't my boyfriend. That's terrible. And it makes me wonder what kind of a person I have become exactly... I try to be friendly to everyone. To some guys, that would come across as flirting. So am I a flirt? If I actually like someone, I'll actually flirt. My flirting is usually leaning towards the sexual side. So does that mean I'm a tease? And sometimes, it might be impossible for me to actually do something with the person like if I met the person online... so does that mean I'm a 'talker'? Or even worse, a liar? I hate it when people take my friendly overtures the wrong way. Just because I flirt doesn't mean I'm interested; but if I am interested... trust me, you'll know cuz I'll show you! Arg.
TiARa 024: am i a tease?
Bluebull32: sometimes....but i believe that you will put out eventually :-)
Bluebull32: so its ok
TiARa 024: someone told me i'm a 'talker'
TiARa 024: i dunno wut that means exactly
TiARa 024: and then my parents think im a slut
TiARa 024: wuts ur take on me?
TiARa 024: as one of my bestest friends online
Bluebull32: you are a sweet girl
Bluebull32: with a lot of love to give
Bluebull32: but you are frustrated because you havent found someone to recieve it
Bluebull32: is that about right?
TiARa 024: thats beautiful
TiARa 024: is that what u really think though?
TiARa 024: er u juss trying to b nice
Bluebull32: that's what i really think
TiARa 024: :-)
It's nice to know I have friends who still like me regardless. But there's also the problem of me falling too easily and too quickly and too hard for any guy I click with. I mean, I believe in auras and chemistry and just knowing... but the person that I am enables me to click with almost anyone. Because I'm just nice like that. I definitely do realize that even amongst the wonderful, sweet, smart, gorgeous guys, I still do have to choose. With all of the guys that I'll click with, that I'll adore, I can't fall in love with everyone of them. I don't know. I look back now and realize I have been so silly. There will be so many guys in my life that are wonderful and sweet. So what if Tony decided he didn't want to give me the time of day? There are other guys out there right? I found Joe didn't I? And as much as I like Joe (that guy is so freaking sexy...), so what if he doesn't call me? Love has to go both ways. If he's not interested in me the same way that I'm interested in him that's okay. It wasn't meant to be then. I'd rather him go find someone else he can be happy with. And I won't have sex with him if he just wants me to be a casual screw. I'm gonna find my old moral code, the one I stuck so well to before Mexico, and enforce it once again. No sex with anyone who isn't my boyfriend. I would love for Joe to be my boyfriend. But if he doesn't want me like that, if he just wants me physically, then I'll be sad still, but it's nothing to cry about. I've shed too many tears over guys who don't deserve it. Richie, Orry, Adam, Tony. And I'm saddened too often my the unattainable guys I meet online who seem so perfect: John, Jaeson, Jon, Orion. What's the point anyway? There's really nothing I can do about the situations whether it be making someone fall for me or making someone move across the country for me. That's ridiculous. If it's gonna happen, it'll happen. Why should I be upset about what's not happening? Grrr. Serious.
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