Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry raw April 10, 2003 ~ 4:26 PM my heart is raw. being torn apart. noah won't talk to me. he won't let me see him. god i love him so much. i don't know what to do. everything is blurry and it's not because i'm not wearing my glasses. that song blurry by puddle of mudd is my song right now. listening to it on repeat. noah hates this song. he hates puddle of mudd. but this song doesn't speak to me, it speaks for me. i'm trying to clean my room. it's breaking my heart. everything reminds me of him. i want to set up camp in front of his door again. but i promised myself i would give him time. so i'm cleaning up my room first. i think it'll take me about 2 days. between reading for writing 1 and other things. god i love noah so much. i just want to be friends with him now. i want him to talk to me. i want to be able to love him even though i've set him free. it's what he wanted in the first place. i don't understand why he's so pissed at me. i feel awful. emotionally mentally physically. suicide has flitted through my mind just once but only to be eradicated by thoughts of any possible future with Noah John Dekkers. I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. but for now. i just want to be friends with him. i love him so and it kills me to have him so angry at me. he's gotten what he wanted in the first place. and even when he broke my heart i still spoke to him though i cried every time i did so. friends. i just want to be friends with him. i feel like i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. or otherwise in my eyes. walking around, my eyes are blurred by a sheen of raw pain. it is evident, this pain, in my eyes. and if you come close enough you can feel it emanating from my heart. "I am lost without you. I cannot live at all. My whole world surrounds you. I stumble then I fall." Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .