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Puppy kicking
July 20, 2003 ~ 12:30 AM
So I think I broke up with him... Matt... my sweet little boyfriend. Er... exactly a week. And I realize I can't do it. Date a 17 year old. I really can't. It's just... if I have a boyfriend I wanna be able to fall asleep in his arms at night without getting a phone call from his freaking out parents the next day. I dunno. I mean there's the sex thing too. I'd feel like a fucking pedophile if I ever had sex with him. And I like sex. Gah. I adore the kid so much. And he likes me a whole lot... I feel so bad... I just couldn't think of him as a boyfriend cuz he's 17 and has no freedom. I see why Adam Geller broke up with me. It's like, you finally get out of your leash, then you have one again because you're with someone who has one. Cats don't work well in leashes. Lemme tell you that... He has to be home by 12:30. He can never spend the night. The thing is... That one time he did spend the night... it felt so fucking good... And I wanted to stay right there with him forever and ever. And it was so good. And I was so happy... Then his parents called all worried. That gave me one hell of a reality check. You have no idea. It's like... I almost forgot he's 17. His parents got it through to me. "He's only 17, you know" "He's only 17" He's still their little baby. He's not ready to grow up yet. There are so many reasons why I want to date him... and so many reason why I shouldn't. I guess it won out in the end... the shouldn'ts. I was so scared of hurting him. And I seriously feel like such a bitch. Like I just kicked a puppy... What I really hate is the fact that I seriously like him A LOT. And if he were just three years older, I'd totally fall for him... Perfect. He's perfect for me cept for the age. Such a sweet tempered kid. But still that. Just a kid. He soothes me. Calms me. Right after he left here, I just felt.. anxious. Nervous. Frustrated. Like I could snap at anything and anyone. Like I have to. I'm not good at breaking up with people. Cuz now I wish I could just take it all back. He seemed to have taken it really really well... but the thing is... I don't know what's going on inside. Inside his head and his heart. I don't want him to be hurting! I love the boy so much... He's been so much to me... For now on we'll be seeing each other. Just casual dating. No commitment. I don't have a boyfriend. He doesn't have a girlfriend. I can't think of him as a boyfriend because if I have a boyfriend, I'd sleep better at night and I wouldn't be alone every night. Maybe some. Maybe even the majority of nights... but Matt has a 12 midnight curfew. And me- I don't remember what curfew means. {I love this new Radiohead song, by the way... and the new Godsmack. Mostly Radiohead though... it's beautiful. I love this song "Just cuz you feel it; doesn't mean it's there" I think he knows what I mean by I love Noah but I'm over him... He always knows.} I'm gonna be a real dick and just admit that Matt was crampin my style, also... by being 17. Makes me look like I'm a child molester... Definitely NOT one of the images I am going for, dude. Me and him are still gonna be tight, though I hope. Like how me and Josh Cook were... Just best friends with benefits. Cept I can't have sex with Matt... And hey, Josh Cook didn't have sex with me. I can't wait until Matt turns 18!!! =] Then we can definitely try again... And it'll work out better cuz he'll be legal and his parents can't leash him anymore. On a much different subject... Emmitt called me. Randomly tonight. Out of no where. And here we thought he forgot all about me!!! Telling me "Yeah, Kat, I just don't want a relationship right now. I'm just not ready." Not like I was asking him to marry me or anything. Lol. I just wanted to date him. Like what I'm doing with Matt right now. Casual dating. So yeah. He wants to hang out this week... Coolbeans? I'm gonna have another sleepless night... Thinking too much... Thinking of Matt... So I'm gonna just clean my room. Heh. So I have monday and wednesday off. I traded my Saturday and Sunday days off this week cuz I'm a nice person. Vaden needed to have the weekend off... It would have been nice to have the weekend off, of course. I fucking hate working the boardwalk on weekends. But he seemed like he really needed the days off. So I'm doing Casino on Saturday and Skee-roll arcade on Sunday. Nine hours of Skee-roll. Ew. Gah! Why am I such a nice person. I'm not even that good of a friend to Vaden. I barely know the guy. Oh wellz. Meh. Alvira. I still don't like her... Gr. I juss saw Jeepers Creepers with Matt tonight. That movie was creepy. And the main character didn't win. He got eaten. Ew. The girl in it was pretty. Matt is cute. I didn't like all the blood but it was an okay movie overall. I mostly liked that I watched it with Matt and he held me the whole time. God that boy is so sweet. Why the fuck did I break up with him. See now I'm already regretting it. Ha. Abel called me tonight. He's upset with me again. About his stupid sweater. My sweater. Grr... He can't have it back. I gave him a chance to get it back and he didn't come get it. Dork turd. Yeah I love Primus. Lol. So we got a new screen name for Matt. Since his initials are MGD his new sn is MattGenuineDraft. Lol. Brilliant, huh. Larry thought it up. What a smart kid!!! Woo! Heh. I like that boy. He's very nice. Very asian but very very nice. I think I miss Matt already. As a boyfriend. Even though me and him are still dating. Just casual dating. Nothing official... I miss him. I want him to turn 18, dammit. So that this can work for both of us. Cuz after the perfect love that I had with Noah... no boyfriend will ever compare. But I still won't settle for less than the best I can do for myself. And that means Matt needs to turn 18 before anything real can happen. {Andy rocks so much. He just came in here to give me a drink. Vodka and cranberry juice. *yay*} So Emmitt still remember that I exist. That's cool. I forgot about him until I got the photos back and he was in it. {Emmitt's in my gallery if you wanna see how he looks like... Just so ya'll know... I think I'm gonna make a gallery of ex boyfriends. Like my gallery of boys. But with only ex boyfriends. And give a little blurb about them. I dunno... Ugh. I feel bad. Matt is really disappointed. He's playing it off... but I know he must be really disappointed. I sorta am too. I miss him as my boyfriend already. I really like him and I loved having him as a boyfriend. Gr!!! He just needs to be older. Gra!!!!! *grumble, grumble* Yeah he's cute. And um... I think I'm gonna make friends with Emmitt. Maybe I can make him fall in love with me. Oh that crazy lady in Safeway made me cry today. She was totally flipping out on me and I wasn't doing anything. Well, I was talking on the telephone with Matt. But that was it. And she was threatenign to call the cops cuz I was stealign something. And I wasn't. Dumb bitch. If yer gonna accuse me of soemthing, at least accuse me of something that I'm doing!! Gra. See, now I'm just bitchy. I wish I had this anger earlier. But all I was earlier was sad and crying. Such a fucking pussy. Kat, get a fucking back bone. OMG I love Matt so fucking much. I don't think I can stay away from him. It'll break my heart. I wanna believe he won't hurt me but Noah said the same fucking thing. Stay strong Kat... backbone, remember?
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