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God damn fucking policies.
October 10, 2003 ~ 6:25 AM
What if honesty is NOT the best policy? What if honesty seems to merit disapproval? Ugh... I don't know what to do anymore. I dunno what to believe. Sometimes something happens... and it takes a whole lotta guts to own up to it/admit it/tell someone. Is lying {or simple ommitance of truth} justified if you KNOW that the person you tell {or don't} would be upset? Could lying be the better thing to do... {easier, sure} if by doing so, you could avoid conflict, pain, etc. There's this FEAR. Ugh... I dunno... I'm done with the subject. I'll do what all the cool kids are doing. And just not THINK about it.
"Yer so cute; will you marry me?" {Jokingly}
"Yes." {No hesitation}
"Wow; no hesitation. Yes?" {Incredulous}
"Of course." {Thinking DUH}
I have a witness. Aaron saw/heard the whole thing. Matt will marry me. =P Well at least someone will; jeez. I dunno wut to do about Matt... I'm so fucking terrified of hurting him. I mean... there's no way I'm gonna not. And he tells me all the time how much he's gonna miss me when I move. He disagrees with my puppy-love theory. He says that he's not gonna fall for some other girl cuz he doesn't wanna. Beyond me. He could do much better than me. Me and Matt have nothing in common. And as he loves to say- I think too much. The problem is he doesn't think much, period. Not much at all... And yet... Iono... I love the kid. I firmly believe that he will soon realize that there are better girls out there for him... his age or maturity level... Now I dunno if he could only get over my cat ears he'd be a great person in my book. He's just... society. Lol. Homecoming King? On the football team. Fucking adorable. Charming. Whatever. The only reason why I ever had a chance with him is cuz I'm older and he didn't know I was... different. Lol. My cat ears had been broken the night before. THE NIGHT BEFORE. And so he didn't know I wore cat ears. He hates them with a passion. And it irritates me. Societal conformity. Matt LIVES by that. Cuz he's... that guy. The one that I "admired" from afar who would never even consider acknowledging my existence. I'm not gonna stop wearing my cat ears. I want to be wearing them when they send me in to be cremated after I die. Hahaha. Iono. I'm happy that my mom likes em now. That's fucking awesome. I guess though, it's not terrible compared to what my sister puts them through. How did I start talking about my SISTER? Eesh. Anywho... What was I talking about... Matt... haha. Yeah... Matt has jealousy issues. Like take Noah's old jealousy issues and multiply that by 397. THAT is how jealous Matt gets. Ugh. He gets this look... like he juss wants to KILL something. And he gets even more pissed when I try to tell him that he shouldn't even BE jealous. I mean, he knows that I'm {more or less... prolly less cuz Noah's not talking to me at the moment} with Noah. And I make it VERY clear to him ALL THE TIME that I'm in love with Noah. Tonight when he took me to Kinko's, we stayed in the car cuz a good song was on before getting out to make copies... yeah and I was talking about him finding that one girl who's perfect for him. He doesn't believe in the one. Blah all that junk. And he asked me if I thought Noah was the one. Instead of saying yes... I had to think about it. I mean... I "know" he is. But what the fuck do I know? The guy isn't even talking to me right now, you know? Noah is testing me maybe... trying to make me THINK that he's not the one... ? Lol. that's ridiculous. But I did end up telling Matt yes after thinking about it. Me and Noah have gone through a whole lotta shit. And that intense... amazing love we have for each other survived it. Matt juss... he needs to find that girl. Or maybe I'm her. Iono. I guess we won't know anything til it happens right? No one can tell the future. Well... anyone CAN but it doesn't mean they'll be right. Gra. I'm moving tomorrow. Won't see Matt again til... ever... won't see... well... anyone again. Imma miss Tiffani. And Robbie and Auriel. And I will definitely miss Andy. And Mario. Meaning. Mario Sunshine and Mario Party. HAHA. Shut up. Imma So miss Mario. I can't wait to get settled, though. Start work. Start school. Start LIFE. I wonder if Matt will really come down to LA to propose to me when he turns 18? Ha. That's an ... interesting thought... I just don't think he'll still love me by then. Puppy love... what I felt for... Richie, right? Justin Miller, Matt Willert. Oh there were tons. Guys that I've never even kissed though. Cuz I was a loser. Haha. Meh. Whatever the fuck. Life will work itself out. If I end up with Noah I won't be surprised. I'm in love with him and even though he never ever wants to get married I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. But if Matt still loves me in... *counts on fingers* five months, I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up with him, either. Ha. And if I end up with Richie Lopez, well shit. =P I'm gonna stop speculating. What disturbs me is... I've decided to make this entry public. And Noah will prolly read it. And it'll upset him in SOME WAY and he'll stop talking to me even more. Or disappear again. Or threaten to do... SOMETHING cuz he disagrees with something I said or wutever. It's sad that I can almost bet money on that. It tears me up... breaks my... faith... to know that he'll prolly think the worst of me despite efforts to quell doubt, etc. I love him so much though. And I'm gonna keep trying... I won't give up on him. Well... I dunno... I do want a family some day. Gah. I'm NOT gonna think about this. I'm gonna go... to bed. yes... Imma go to bed. And THEN pack. Gotta finish today. So I'll be ready to leave tomorrow. SHIT. I'll be near Noah. LOVE. Real true unselfish love. Hopefully. If he'll actually talk about shit. Instead of juss saying "I don't wanna think aboutit". Oh yeah... I was going on earlier about how he's not talking to me. I juss remembered that he isn't not talking to me. It's that other ppl sign onto his sn. And THEY don't talk to me. Sorry. I'm tired. I don't remember everything.
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