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Where did the day go?
January 06, 2003 ~ 1:18 AM
I basically slept the day away. It was so wild. I didn't sleep well either. Dreaming and thinking and hallucinating and just fantasizing or something. I spent most of today, like 9 hours or so, just wanting to be dead, thinking I was dead, dreaming I was dead, and other weird scary neat stuff like that. I can't even begin to understand what the heck was going on in my head. There was SO MUCH. Like for a while I just thought that I was dead. People knocked on my door and I just lay there in my bed thinking: "What are they doing?" "Don't they know I killed myself?" "I can't open the door." That sorta thing. It didn't even occur to me that I couldn't be dead cuz I was thinking. And then the dreams. Man, those dreams. I was either dead, killing myself, trying to kill myself, or watching how people react when they don't know I've killed myself. Anyway I was dead meat in all my dreams. And I felt no remorse. The only thing I felt I think is when I was dead in my room and I saw Noah knock on the door and I thought to myself how much I'm going to miss him. But how he would be better off without me anyway. I think I just cause him stress. But that's like how I said that my parents would be better of without me. Even though I think they will be better off, they love me and they will be sad and stuff. Arg. I felt like I wanted to die when I realized finally that I wasn't dead and just feeling like I should be. One day. One day I'm gonna just flip and slit my wrist or my throat and just die and finally get it over with. I just don't have a reason. I actually have too many reasons to not die right now. I've got my education to chase after. My star to reach {help people and change the world}. My boyfriend that I love. And who loves me. I think I'm gonna give all my cute clothes to Jenny I think. Noah doesn't like it. I still don't really understand why. We've totally talked about it a bunch but today has been so weird for me that I haven't been listening to anything that he's said. And I've mostly just talked out of my butt in response. I know that Noah deserves better than that. But I'm in no mental shape to do that right now. He's sleeping. Listening to his music and just laying there on the floor. I can't get over how much I love him. I swear I'm gonna marry him someday. I would prolly do anything for him. Even change my wardrobe and get rid of all my pretty clothes. It's so hard to find cute clothes that don't advertise these days. Yeah. Jay the proctor was the one to snap me back to reality earlier today. Noah was worried so he grabbed Jay and Eric hoping that they would open my door for him. They snapped me back to reality but Noah brought me back really. Even when I was alive and telling Jay that I'm fine I was well aware that I was not fine and I most definitely wanted to die. I saw Noah though. And rainbow. I didn't need any shelter cuz the storm was gone. The rainbow was there and then eventually Noah chased away the cold air and the harsh winds too. I finally found me Prozac. Go me. I am so tired. I have class tomorrow and it's 1:30. Well, before that I hafta get to the loan interview at like 9 something or something. I wonder if I'm gonna sleep with Noah tonight. He seems really upset with me cuz I'm wearing a skirt and stuff. Blah, blah, blah. I'm glad that I didn't get out of bed to cut myself earlier. I wanted to so bad. Like, I imagined myself doing it. I almost felt the sting and the relief of my life draining out of me. It was so lovely. I wanted so bad to just do it and I did it so many times just in my head. But I didn't cuz I promised Noah I didn't. I regretted not doing it until the point where Noah came in and he saw I didn't do it. He was so relieved. He kissed my wrist and then suddenly I was glad that I didn't do what I wanted to even though I very easily could have and most definitely wanted to, you know? Mhmm. I'm gonna go find Peter for some water now. Plus Steve wants to sleep. Yeah... Steve. Great guy. Poor thing... Mhmm...
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....