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*SMACK* Back to reality.
January 03, 2003 ~ 6:48 PM
Wow to be back in school again. This is so horrible. Hmm... The last time I wrote I believe I was at my Auntie May's. Well anyway. We left there. Then the very next night, we went back and slept over again. Then we had to wake up early cuz Noah told me to be at home by ten A. So I drove home half asleep. When I got back to Glendora, I was too excited to even take a nap. Cuz I was gonna see Noah again. I was just so so so excited. You have no idea. Noah had called me while I was driving home and stuff. He was in Yorba Linda at the time. SO CLOSE YET SO FAR! Anyway eventually he did get to my apt. That was so wonderful. I was ecstatic. When I saw his car coming my heart just soared. It was a wonderfully amazing feeling. It was so so good to see him again. I'd missed him to much. We chilled at the apt for a little. Made french toast. (Weird he puts cinnamin in the eggs before dipping the bread in. It was actually really good.) Then I think we just killed time. I packed and stuff and loaded things onto the car. I'm pretty sure that Noah likes my parents. Or, if he didn't know about the trauma they have put me through he'd like them. My parents are just so cute around other people. It's when we're all alone that my friend Mr. Hyde comes out to play. Oh well. It happens. Most people like them. And you know my parents love him. My mother totally adores him. Lol. Wild. She was telling me to not get married too soon or something. OH really funny thing. While I was in the kitchen with Noah making french toast, I noticed my mother peering around the corner. She proceeded to do so wordlessly (apparently ignoring my father who was attempting to talk to her) just staring at Noah. I had to ask. "Mom, what are you doing?!?!" She replies completely seriously: "I'm waiting for his pants to fall off." I start to laugh and she's still staring at Noah so seriously. I went to Noah and pulled his pants up and then my mother starts to laugh. It was all very funny. I was kinda sorry to let her down. She so wanted to see Noah's pants slide off his cute lil boxered tushie. Me and Noah go off to Yorba Linda and I met his grandmother on his mother's side. Oh I love that lady. She is so funny and such a beautiful aura and soul. I liked her from the moment I saw her in the picture and when I met her in person, I loved her. She's really a great person it sucks that she has to go through all this stress with her husband in the hospital and healing. She's a strong person. Hard to depress. She tries to keep everyone's head up. Not let everyone be sad. I like her a lot, yo. And I met Noah's mother, too. I love her also. She's a really nice person. Noah and her have got such love between them that I almost envy him his relationship with his mother. She's a real good person also. Her mother's daughter to the core. A free spirit. Turns out Noah is in love with his mother's french toast. He was trying to make it like she does. His didn't turn out as well. I could do it though. French toast isn't that hard to do, ya know? Well I went down with them to San Diego that night. His mom actually let me and Noah sleep together on the pull out bed. It was cool. His dad would have been scandalized and appalled and stuff. His mom is so cool. Such a friendly person. Like my mom when she wants to be. I honestly think that my mother would be very much like Noah's if she didn't have depression and that cist pressing against her brain. If she didn't have so many psychological problems she would be such a sweet lady. She's got such potential cuz sometimes she can be very caring and compassionate and humorous, etc. Mhmm. Gonna stop talking about my mother now. It depresses me, yo. Me and Noah had a bunch of conflict. We of course, like always, worked everything out. I do remember that I cried every night that I was with him after he came to get me in Glendora. I just don't remember the reasons too well. I remember one night. It was December 30th I believe. I almost lost it that night. I almost lost my trust in him and my faith in his love. He'd pushed me off a precipice and wouldn't catch me when I was falling. That hurt so bad, that moment when I gave up trying to reach out to him. When I stopped saying his name and I stopped begging him to come to me... Even if he'd just touched me I would have been saved. But he did nothing. He just lay there while I cried and begged for him to come to me. I was so terrified that night. He didn't come to me until after I'd fallen and broken to pieces. Then he reached out to me. And I was already broken; I could not take his hand. I just shut down. I don't know how to describe it exactly, my experience, but I do know that it terrified me. I love him so much I can't bear to live without him. He got scared when I shut down. It's my way of blocking out the pain. But now he got stubborn and wouldn't leave me alone {it's ironic that they aren't there when you need them, but they won't leave you alone when you don't.}so I couldn't really block out the pain. He kept on talking to me know that he's too late. It was all very sad. That pain was overwhelming. I wanted to cut. So I went to get my purse. I don't know why, but I changed my mind when I grabbed my exacto knife... and I handed it to Noah. I regretted it the moment I put it in his hands. I tried to get it back. Didn't work. I just got my safety pin and went at myself with that. That hurts to much more than the exacto knife (owie) but it served it's purpose, I calmed down enough to think. I don't remember the night exactly but I know in the end, I ended up with no bracelets on my left wrist {my way of saying that I'm no longer gonna care about the past, that I'm gonna concentrate on the future. So I cut off my reminders of my ex bfs.} And I ended up with Noah's ring. It's on my thumb. I need to get it fitted. I love it though. It was cutting off his circulation in his finger or something. It was really bad. He skinned his finger taking it off. It was on tight. I'm glad it's off him more than I am that it's on me. I like it a lot though. You know what though? Noah's right about how are conflicts are good things. I mean, I hate crying, but we do end up clearing things up. Like two nights ago, I asked him to walk me to my placement exam and he wouldn't. So I wanted to know why. He said he'd much rather do something else like read or go onto the internet. I was so hurt. It would have taken like five to ten minutes of his time. He always tells me that he wants me to be happy. Didn't it occur to him that I wouldn't have asked him to walk me if it wouldn't have made me happy? Whenever I ask him a small thing to do that will make me happy he's gotta be all NO! about it. That hurt me a lot. Turns out he was just scared cuz {once again} I guess he was comparing me to Jen or something. He thought I had like some evil reason why I wanted him to walk me. He's so suspicious. It really does hurt me. =/ So we got that taken care of. That boy best not try to compare me to Jen again or any of his past relationships. He's gotta understand that I'm nothing like any of the girls he's ever dated so it's gonna be a completely difference experience that will be detached from his old experiences. And he needs to see that I am taking a leap of faith for him and I am not comparing him to any of my ex bfs and not throwing any of their mistakes on him. Yadda yadda yadda. He promised me he would stay shaved and keep his hair long if I don't cut myself anymore. As long as he stoped hurting me, I wouldn't have cut anymore prolly. It's very likely, you know? I'm scared of pain. I only do it if I am forced to. Cuz sometimes... yeah, you know how that goes. I'll sink so deep into my depression that I'll start trying to kill myself. And that's not good. I have so much to live for and stuff. I am glad that he isn't cutting his hair though, even if it isn't simply to make me happy but to ensure I don't do something to myself. I was thinking it from different perspectives and it occured to me that it's possible that he just doesn't want me to cut because of the fact that it will most definitely be his fault {when there is no conflict between me and Noah, I'm so happy that nothing else can bring me down or even faze me} and he doesn't want to feel bad about it. I know that isn't the case though. He just doesn't want me to hurt himself. I'm really happy right now. Everything is so perfect. I love him so much. And I am so loved. It's a weird feeling being loved as much as you love. Never happened to me before, really. OMG. Me and Noah have had the wildest sex. We had sex on his mom's bathroom counter, in her living room, on the toilet in her bathroom {the lid was down, mind you}, his roomate Steve's desk, and in the shower here in the dorms. That was the best. Noah had a blast. He's so cute. He sed that's the most erotic thing he's ever done before in his life. Sex in the shower was the best. It was so good. Mmmm... Yeah. Good times. We had sex twice yesterday within 3 hours I think. It was awesome. And then today. I did a class at 8 AM {lab lecture}. Then I went to financial aid where I found out that they won't even let me pay my fees until I go to some loan interview. How disgusting. Then I went to normal Chem lecture. Then I went to math {saw Noah after Chem cuz he's gonna kick it in the class}. I almost fell asleep in Math cuz I was so exhausted. Up since 7:30. Slept at like 2 or 3 the night before. Wildness. I was gonna pass out. I came back to Noah's after math and met Guy. Then I passed out. Then I took the Chem Placement Exam {Noah only walked me halfway to it =P Stubborn big monkey oaf}. I was placed in Chem B. I got a 21. A 15 gets you into Chem B. Noah was so proud of me. He's adorable. I'm very glad that I studied. It was well worth it. Everything will fall into place now once I get my little butt registered at the school. It was really nice to hear Noah's praise cuz he means so much to me. Praise is something my parents never gave me. If I had told them about my score they would have started ripping me apart with the whole "You could have gotten a 30 you just didn't try hard enough"... I didn't really try that hard, it's true. But I still placed into Chem B and I was very proud of myself. I'm not even gonna tell them. I don't need anyone to rain on my parade. Wow. I'm really tired. And I need to pee like a racehorse. Oh speaking of, my parents love Noah's horses and his goats. They fed the horses and apple. Mother got a kick out of that. I think I'm gonna buy her a horse someday. Maybe I'll buy them a whole ranch. Maybe one day I'll stop trying to please them and to make them happy and become who I want to be and not who they think I should be. Maybe I should take some writing classes or theatre classes. ::sigh:: Yeah right. My parents would kill me. Mhmm. Weekend. Yummy. I'm gonna clean my room. Take a pic and send it to my parents. I was supposed to have sent the picture by today but oh wellz. I had other things to take care of. I'm working on it!!! Dammit. I need to write an essay for Lupe too, about my having such bad grades. Etc. Etc. Etc. Mhmm. Imma go pee now. Buh bye. [Jaeson, it was so good to talk to you again, stay sweet, otay?]
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