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Trying to dredge up the anger I felt this morning...
January 18, 2003 ~ 1:14 AM
I knew it. It's all my fault. Noah's whole situation. This was not what I wanted. Sure, I want him to sleep with me. I can actually sleep when he sleeps with me. But he can't sleep very well. He doesn't sleep with me because he wants to. He sleeps with me for me. I explicitly told him not to do that. He does it. And then he gets all pissy. So last night I did his laundry for him cuz he fell asleep on my bed. It was 5A by the time I finished folding all of his laundry. He was sleeping so soundly that I didn't want to disturb him. So I was gonna sleep on the floor. I tried to but I couldn't. I ended up crawling onto my bed with Noah. He woke up. And he couldn't get back to sleep. And he got all pissy and mean. He took his clothes and his egg-crate and he left. Without even a hug goodbye. Needless to say I cried all night. Or morning, I should say. I didn't go to sleep at all. No sleeping. I think he came in a few times but I don't really remember. The thing is, the blame isn't on him... it's on me. And I hate myself so much for it. For being so needy and pathetic and self-centered. I was so happy that he was sleeping with me {cuz I'd thought that he was doing it cuz he actually wanted to} that I did not notice he wasn't sleeping well. He actually told me that he was. I should have seen it. I'm so stupid. As a result he stopped attending his morning classes and he got behind. Dammit. I did this to him. How could I do this to the person I love more than anything in the world. You know what he told me yesterday? He told me that he hates people but he loves me. And I'm a person. So it didn't make sense to him. I dunno why I mentioned that. All I do know is that I love him more than anything and the last thing I want to do is be the wall between him and his chosen path. I told him that I didn't want him to sacrifice his sleep and education and dreams for me. He asked me "Well what do you expect me to do?!?" Simple. I want him to do what he wants to do. What he wants to do is to sleep by himself and to go to all of his classes and learn and get good grades and study all the freaking time. Which means I'll barely get to see him. Oh, poor me. Look at this. I'm such a selfish bitch. How can I ask him to sleep with me if it's gonna ruin his future or something. So I lose a night of sleep. Yes, I do want to fall asleep in his arms every single night but you know what? That's not gonna happen. Cuz it can't. He can't sleep with me, I can't sleep without him. But look at it this way: a good night's sleep for me versus his future. That is hardly anything that even needs to be discussed. Which is why I told him that he needs to sleep alone. Cuz I prefer my not sleeping to him not living his life. I seriously disgust myself for even making such a big deal about the whole sleeping thing. Ugh. Now he feels like he has to do this for me. When he obviously doesn't want to. It took him three nights to get all frustrated and bitter. What the fuck. I did this to him. He felt like there wasn't any choice. I'm so fucking manipulative. I used his love for me to get him to sleep with me. Poor little Kat can't sleep alone. So fucking what. I'm used to it. I'll deal. I don't have to fuck up Noah's life in the process of trying to make mine better. He deserves so much better than this. He deserves so much better than me. I hate myself so much. I need to die. My mom is right. People like me shouldn't deserve to live. She made the mistake of bringing me into this world. She should have just killed me in her stomach when she wanted to. I disappoint myself. You know what I did today? I was lying in bed all day again. I did not do one fucking thing. I was just crying and trying to sleep and thinking and just laying there. If Peter hadn't come to visit, I would have done that all day. No drive. No desire to do anything. No desire to live. No desire period. Noah went snowboarding. He's gonna be gone the whole three-day weekend I believe. This is good. It'll give me a chance to get used to not having him around. I'm determined to let him do his thing from now on. I'm not gonna ask anything of him, remember? He can give me what he wants in attention and love and affection. I won't ask for a single fucking thing anymore. Just having someone love me is enough. I've never had this before and I am not gonna fuck this up. And one day he'll get over his personal space issues and his commitment issues and his missing Jen issues and his sleeping with me issues and then he'll marry me. When he's ready. There is a chance that it will never happen and that he won't marry me and the thought and possiblility of that chance breaks my heart and makes me terrified. But I'd rather do it this way and put all my faith in him than to cling onto him and hope he gets used to it. I'm a cat. Not a starfish. I am so totally prepared to be ignored by my boyfriend that it's depressing. But it'll be so good for him. I'm just gonna party my ass off again. This time just partying. No sex. Getting shit-faced and piss ass drunk. No Aderol. I promised Noah no Aderol. I promised Peter no killing myself. I promised Noah and Yana no cutting myself. So alcohol it is. Not the best way to deal but a big step up from suicidal. I do have something to live for. Noah Dekkers. And something else too. This thing called my future. I didn't think that I'd have one. But then, I didn't think I'd ever be loved. And I am. And that needs to be enough. I don't need physical affection. Just knowing that he loves me is enough. It's different than from my parents. See, my parents also treated me like crap. So I did not feel loved and I was so confused as hell cuz I knew that they do love me. See, Noah just needs to do his thing with no hindrance. And I know he loves me. I know I'll still need to be shown that I'm loved... but yeah... It's like stepping into heaven, then getting shoved back to earth again. Earth with all the pain and hate and corruption. Noah didn't hurt me last night. I hurt myself. I brought it on by making such a huge deal about my sleeping. It was soo sooo nice to be able to sleep well those few times though. Mmmm... I'll miss it. Maybe I can convince him to sleep with me on friday and saturday nights or something. It could work. Give him the weekdays. We'll see.. Maybe he'll do it on his own. Wait, he'll have to. Lol. I'm not gonna ask him to do anything for me anymore. I'm just gonna feel selfish and I'm just gonna regret it. I love him so much. And I miss him. But I am so damned skilled at just dealing that I'm sure it'll just be back to the same old same old and I'll get used to it right quick. No problem. Who needs sleep anyway? It's overrated, mhrmm. It is.
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