Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry Freezing January 19, 2003 ~ 11:44 PM Noah got back today. I was so happy to see him. I ran down there to look for him. I don't think I've ever been received so coldly before in my life. He didn't even want to see me. He wasn't happy to see me. And I just found out right now that I've been locked out of his diary? I don't know. Now I feel so stupid for being so excited that he's back. He didn't even kiss me and he barely let me hug him. You know that feeling you get when someone tells you that the person you love the most in the world has cancer and only a month to live. That sinking feeling? Like why isn't the rest of the world ending, because mine is. That is how I felt. What the hell did I do now?!?!? I cannot stop crying. He was just so cold. I don't get it. I was scared to ask. God, can I die now? I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't feel like coping anymore or dealing or hurting or crying. Or having nightmares and trying to stay awake in class or worrying about financial crap about insurance crap about emotional crap. My whole life is a fucking rollercoaster. I give up. No one cares. Why the fuck should I. I don't like me anymore. Noah doesn't like me anymore. I don't know what I did. Why is my boyfriend treating me like a stranger? Like someone he would rather not talk to? What the hell? He told Peter to ask me to come down. Well, I was down there. And he basically did not talk. Did not look me in the eye. Did not acknowledge my existance... this is not what I expected after not seeing him for two days. Shouldn't he have missed me? Even just a little? What the hell. I told him that if he wanted to see me that he could come up and find me. For some weird reason, I don't think he's going to. Why does that create such fear in me... What did I do. What did I do, what did I do, what did i do, what the FUCK did I do. I hate me. I hate being me. Looking out my window... that four story drop sure looks appealing. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .