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fresh wounds.
January 20, 2003 ~ 7:39 PM
I have 17 new cuts on my left arm/wrist that sting like mother truckers. You have no idea. Well, maybe you do. But you prolly feel differently about them than I do. I hate it. I hate the pain. I hate that it mars my smooth skin down there. I hate that it stings like a bee when I drench it in hydrogen peroxide. I hate that it hurts Noah when I do it. What I hate the most? That I had to resort to it in the first place. I wish I were a stronger person inside. I'm so terrified of pain. Too much pain. Too much pain. I pretty much broke up with Noah last night. I was just tired of it all. Of all the pain. Noah's wrong about my thinking sex or love numbing me. The pain numbs me. The pain that he illicits. He does not make the pain. He instigates it. Then he hands the torch to me and I run like hell with it. I overreact. And then the pain, it numbs me. And I can't feel anymore. I don't care anymore. I don't love anymore because I am so numbed that love becomes a foreign concept. Over practically nothing. I remember when I hated myself for starting on Prozac. I realize more and more that Prozac is my crutch. Not my crutch, it is my tourniquet; without my Prozac I will just bleed and bleed and bleed and bleed. Because I do not have the faith in myself to find other means to quell the flow. My Noah. My beautiful precious Noah. He tries to make me see this. All the while struggling with me so as my blood splatters everywhere. So I could not take it anymore last night. WIth him there with me... I was thinking far too much. There was too much pain. Residual pain from the San Diego incident. Pain from the nightmares I had had the night before. I was tired. People are more prone to emotinal distress when tired. So I think I dumped him. And then I came up to my room. Kicked him out, shoved him away. Shoved the one thing in this world that makes me want to live, out of my pathetic life. Oh, when that door slammed. How I died inside. Tears that I did not know I had came spilling out in torrents. I had broken my own heart. Given up on this happiness that I had found. I died inside. And this time, I killed myself. He never did cut his hair. For me I know. I love him so much for that. For singing "Sugar, Sugar". The way he says "honey". The look he gets when we make love. The warmth and the love that I feel in his arms. His tender kisses. His fascination with Chemistry. Boy who owns my heart. I suddenly did now know what I had been thinking... What had I been thinking. Noah Dekkers is everything to me. Why would I throw away everything over some little fears that I harbored, nightmares that I'd had. He tried so hard to reach me. I had fallen and he got the rope and the hooks and he dug up all this love he had inside for me and I started climbing up. And then I saw his picture on my microwave. And I knew I couldn't bear to live without him. And if that statement is someday found false, the fact that I did not want the relationship to end like that, that will stay true to my dying day. I see potential in our relationship in general. If thoughts of him can pull me out of that bleak situation... I can get through anything? And I can get through it without cutting myself. I can get through it because I have Noah. And I hope that one day, love will ultimately conquer pain in my life. =]
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....