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This little thing called "solitude" and another thing called "future"
January 21, 2003 ~ 1:10 AM
I don't get it. I used to thrive in it. I remember when I loved it. And now I hate it. I can't stand it. It now means that I'm not wanted. Where it used to depict my own unwanting. I did not want any part of it. The world. Socialite. Politician. Beauty queen. Mr. Cool. There I was, not really there. Hiding behind long, straight hair. I really really didn't care. I don't get why it matters now. It just does. Because I can no longer pretend that I don't need to be loved? Because I do. I trained myself, all those years, to not need anyone. Not need the love of my peers and not need the love of my parents. I guess one day, that horrible day, I realized how good it is to feel loved. I craved more of it. I needed it. Now when I am alone in my room I feel lost. Where used to, alone was the only place I could be where I wasn't lost. Crazy, isn't it, how much someone can change? If I didn't need you, would you love me the same? Isn't it possible, that my love could be driven by desperation? And a need to belong. How do I know. I cannot stand being alone at night. When I was back in Glendora, I took a walk every night after dinner. I loved my walks. My only chance to be alone while I lived with a family in a tight space so that everyone was always just there. I reveled in those moments. Those quiet hours all to myself. Where I felt more alive and happier than wherever. Like sitting on that wall and watching the sunset, pretending that I'm the only person alive. I treasured those moments. Now I am terrified of being alone. Suddenly the world is much much too big, and I am much much too small. Can I do anything about it? Hardly. The only thing I can do is just be. It just makes me sad that I can no longer appreciate the beauty of utter aloneness when I valued it so much only four months ago. I honestly do not know why I am rambling. Because I am alone in my room and I wish I wasn't? Noah did nothing wrong. I told him not to do anything he didn't want to do for my sake. So he left. He shall sleep in his bed two floors down and I shall sleep in my bed right here. Why is it, that I feel my bed is closer to hell? Hell that I visit every night in my dreams. I need to be drunk. I miss not caring and not knowing. Ignorance, in small doses, is bliss. Too much of it is death. I need a Soma-holiday. You don't even understand how much I need one of those. ::sigh::
The goings on of today, let's see: Dear SCott is no longer pining after me and seeking my heart. I am relieved. I do, however, hope to see him again as a friend. He is a brilliant person with a good heart. Best of intentions, I'd say. Valiantly defending and courageously attempting to rescue a dark haired damsel who was only seemingly in distress. Me and Noah, we always pull through. We always will. Noah and I are good for each other. Both of us are learning and growing and ______ in this relationship. Tis beneficial to both parties. And our love is so deep, so real, nothing can bring it down. We will have a future together. {What Scott didn't understand: Noah's got his future to chase after, I've got mine. But I plan to be a big part of his future. Our future's will intertwine further along in the path though, not yet. Right now he needs to do what he needs to do. And we need me to do what I need to do} We do have many things to work on. This is true. But nothing is perfect. Even the most beautiful of sunsets are not pristine. Smog and pollution twist the colors and cause the breath-taking beauty. And then, as you watch your sunset, some child in another part of the world is starving. Another is staring at the bombs in the sky, soaring straight at his home. Another watches his mother get stabbed by his father. Another is thrown into the gutter for the simple reason that she was female. Nothing can ever be perfect. I am far from it. Noah is far from it. The world is far from it. The world needs people like Scott who still believe. Noah used to, he doesn't anymore. Makes me sad. But he's still gonna do something with his life. Now I just need to get my shit together and he'll marry me! =D I'm sure it's not as easy as that.. but yeah. I have to do good anyway. I sorta want to transfer to UW- Madison. It's possible they would let me back in. I highly doubt it, but it is possible. Noah was talking about doing that. Our transferring to UWM. He said that it'll be kinda fun and most definitely challenging trying to make ends meet. Cuz if I transfer, no more financial help from mommy and daddy. And if Noah goes with me, the same will happen. It's nice that he would actually talk about it. But sometimes he does that. He speculates when in his head it doesn't mean anything. So I'm not gonna get too excited about it or anything. He'd have a ton of fun snow-boarding up ther, that's for sure. Lol. Yeah really. He talks about things sometimes, like future-wise, that he doesn't really mean. I'm completely serious when I consider it. Just like when we were talking about getting married just to get student housing. He would never do that. His dad would cut him off. No more funding for school. Well same thing with UWM so I'm not gonna get my own hopes up. I would really really love that though. I still regret not going to UWM. I ultimately chose it over NYU I think. Psychology over theatre. Hands down. It'll cost so much more. It'll be horrible. But I'll have Noah. Noah makes me feel like I can do anything I want to do. That's just how I feel when I'm with him. It's an awesome feeling. Having his love and his support. It's a beautiful thing. I think both Noah and I are wary of leaving this financial security blanket our parents have thrown on us. We're out of the nest, but still in the same tree and still being fed by the parent birdies. I don't know about Noah, but one day I plan to really fly. =] I only wish Noah would spread his wings with me. I'm gonna wait and maybe he'll get serious about UWM. And then our futures will begin. Together.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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