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So, Noah... I sense a lack of trust.
January 21, 2003 ~ 7:22 PM
It kills me that Noah won't give me a second chance. Like, a password to his diary. Just because I gave Scott my password for his diary. And all I wanted to do was to let Scott see how much Noah loves me. So I made a mistake. I fucked up. And he won't give me a second chance. Does he really think that I would give out his password again? After he was so upset about my doing it the first time? Relationship without ultimate trust. After I just gave him a second chance. I should have just stayed broken up with him. Why the fuck did I go back to him. I'll just get fucked over and over and over again. But no, I ran back into his arms. Into the arms of a boy who no longer trusts me. Is there no concept of forgiveness in his mind? Yes, I admit, I did make a mistake. But there is no way in hell I would do it again. Not like he had anything to hide anyway. He will not give me access to his written thought. Okay. I'm gonna go walk around in the rain now. I hope I catch pneumonia or something. Cuz I can't cut anymore. Dammit. I won't get to finish my homework. Due tomorrow. Who cares though. I don't even care anymore. Why do I keep getting into these relationships where I get hurt over and over again? I am so fucking sick of it. None of my "friends with benefits" ever hurt me. {With the exception of one... Dammit, Brant.} Why don't I just do that. Go back to comfort. Easy way out right? Was not real love but at least there was no addition to all the shit that I already had to go through and deal with. You know what? Why don't I just go back to Glendora. There are people there who love me, and would trust me with their lives. I'll go to Citrus. Noah won't have to worry about seeing me in ACE. Or ever again for that matter. Maybe I'll get back together with Abel. Wait, no I won't. I keep on forgetting, giving someone my heart means they can break it. Really, though. I can't take this much anymore. Even if I did have my Prozac, I already have so much shit that I need to deal with, I don't need a boyfriend who breaks my heart every other day. He's tired of my fucking drama anyway. I'm tired of my fucking drama. I am so tired of everything. Every fucking thing in my life. Even my relationship with Noah. I love him so much. Despite that fact, I should not have gone down to him yesterday. Sign of weakness? I'm very weak. I would like to believe that love conquers all, but unconditional love isn't worth shit if there isn't unconditional trust. I think I'm getting good at this breaking up thing. I've never broken up with anyone before Noah. First for everything right. And here I go again. [Noah, honey, come find me sometime when you are ready to trust me again. We can start over- try again. By the way this thing called forgiveness, it includes letting go. If you know me at all you would know I won't make that same mistake twice. Otherwise, I thank you so much for showing me that I can be loved, if not trusted.] I didn't think I deserved him anyway. My drama is a part of the package that he got. The Kat package has this little thing in it called "severe clinical depression" which is not an excuse but an explanation. That little thing means there will be drama. He doesn't deserve that. He just got out of a relationship. In fact, he's still heartbroken over that relationship. Poor thing, he'll have to deal with another break up. At least in this one he didn't lose too much. Wow, I can't believe I'm not asleep. I didn't sleep last night. Or I didn't think I did. Anyway. I'm gonna try to catch pnuemonia now. Or hey, maybe I'll get hit by a bus. If I don't die, I might get some settlement money. That's stupid. Then some poor bus driver will get fired. And poor Peter will be stuck with my car that he hates. Oh yeah. I promised Peter I wouldn't kill myself if me and Noah broke up. Ew. Yeah. Bye.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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