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"Sex doesn't mean anything to me" - Noah
January 25, 2003 ~ 5:00 PM
Last night, me and Noah watched Gattaca. It was really good. I liked it. I kept on getting distracted by a little moth which was fluttering around the screen and the ceiling. {Caught it once or twice but let it go... didn't eat it.} Noah fell asleep watching it. He looked so cute. Well after I cleaned up and put the movie back in the case, I decided to wake him up so we could go sleep. It was friday night of course, the only time I won't feel bad at all for having him sleep in my bed. Well, we came up and he went to lie on my bed. I sat down here to check my away messages and Peter started to talk to me. He wanted me to visit him so he could tell me a funny story. I told him I couldn't cuz Noah was up here with me and asked him to come up to tell both of us. He did so. Him and Peter were talking after and out of nowhere Noah's like "I want to sleep alone in my own bed tonight" or something to that extent and connote. For some weird reason that hurt me considerably. I most definitely flipped. I told him fine and stuff. And told him goodnight all mean and cold {cuz if I looked at him too long I would cry} and he left. Me and Peter talked for a little and we talked about his sleeping with me again. But that really wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted to be near my Noah. So I grabbed my pillows and comforter and I head down with Peter {Peter stayed around just in case I got kicked out... good friend. Love you, Peter} to Noah's room. Steve opened the door for me and I basically set up camp underneath Noah's bed. Don't ask. Noah decided that was ridiculous and so we tromped back up to my room. I don't remember what happened after that but I know there was something about his turning away from me in the end cuz I was not too happy when I drifted off to sleep. {I honestly don't remember what the heck happened there. I was that tired.} {{Oh, you know what? I kinda remember. Something about him turning away and I got out of bed to let him sleep and when he was asleep I crawled back into bed so that I can hold him and he couldn't bitch about it. =P}} I woke up this morning; felt like I was on top of the world. Snuggled up next to Noah. I think we were holding each other. It was pure bliss and I could not ask for more. Yes, it was wonderful. Til I ruined it. I most definitely need my Prozac. Or I need to go get Chelsea's. I was floating around in pure non-sexual heaven and Noah told me "Satisfy me, lover." The request actually perturbed me at first. Making love was the last thing on my mind and would take too much energy since I throw my whole being into love making. It was, however, the first time I was feeling platonic and Noah wanted sex instead of vice versa. Naturally, I become aroused etc, and I proceed to do as he asks, sexually attacking him. And he decides that's not what he wanted anymore. I'm already all ready for some lovemaking and stuff so I wasn't about to just it go. He's the one who brought it up in the first place. I was doing it for him. I got all horny for him. =P He gave in and just took off his boxers... but he didn't even kiss me. It was horrible. I wanted to cry again. I didn't get it. It felt so much like that guy from Stevenson who date raped me. Didn't even kiss me. Just fucked me with no feeling no emotion no remorse. I wanted to die right then. He stopped trying to get it in. I had taken out my tampon {yes, I'm on my period, I hate it} and it had dried everything up... plus I wasn't really in the mood anymore, you know? He put his boxers back on. He needed to get crackin' on his Biology {he's got a midterm on tuesday} so he wanted to go. Eesh. So I get all hurt and I flip again and I start crying. I think this is lame, by the way, it's just the way I've been reacting. It sucks. Anywho. I'm all upset and the poor thing can't leave with me upset we'd been doing so well. He told me then that sex doesn't mean anything to him. That hurt me even more. I love sex. But sex with Noah isn't just sex. That's making love with the one person I love more than anything. I throw my heart, body, soul, and all my love for him into our lovemaking... and it doesn't mean anything to him. Ew. I got all defensive or something. I wanted to try it. Have sex with the love of my life and have it mean nothing to me. Have no feeling behind it and just have it be nothing. So I let him have sex with me. He actually suggested at first to do it in the shower. No way. I have such wonderful passionate memories with him in the shower... I didn't want to ruin it with this... now that I wasn't gonna let it mean anything to me. So yeah. It's funny I think he thought he was doing it for me. I guess he was, my little experiment. I didn't put my heart into it. I just basically let him do what he was doing. It made me nauseous. After he came I paced around then went to the bathroom and dry-heaved. If I had anything to throw up I would have. But I didn't so it was just bile and spit. When I got back he was still lying on my bed. I wondered why. Didn't he have to go study? {As do I. Why am I sitting here writing in my diary.} I went to brush my teeth cuz I was throwing up spit and it tasted nasty. No Taqueria for me for a while. He was still lying on my bed when I got back. You know how I won him over again? That peanut butter dip I make. I stole a little dish from the Taqueria Hernandez my first time there. Noah had asked me why and I told him for peanut butter dip. Well I did that today cuz my old bread is moldy {gotta find some raccoons to feed} and I had to open my new one. To eat that first piece of bread {you know, the one that's like ALL crust} I always make my yummy peanut butter dip. Melted peanut butter mixed with honey and sugar. Well I made some of that stuff and Noah asked me what the hell it was. I explained to him. I'm a dipper, remember. It's to dip the bread that no one ever wants to eat. It makes it yummy. Noah, being my wonderful Noah, had to try it. Hehe. He loves it. Lol. "God damn, that's good." Lol. He's so cute. Well we ate that and we talked. And I made more and we ate that and we started using just the normal bread {which I've never done before} to dip with. Then we made love. He didn't cum this time. I did. It was lovely. There was a lot of blood though. It was kinda creepy. I misunderstood him... or he needs to be more clear. Because sex does mean something to him. It's just not important to him. Meh. We went to take a shower. We made love in the shower. =] He came and I didn't even know he did. It was awesome. I just came back up here right now. I'm going to clean my room and then I'm gonna hit the books. Tonight will be all studying. Wait, we're gonna go watch The Princess Bride {great bood, better movie... only cuz Carey Elwes is in it of course... books are always better} with Chelsea and Eric at like 9:30. Study after and before then. =P I better get crackin'.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
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July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
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