Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry What happened yesterday January 27, 2003 ~ 3:51 PM Well, first of all, this is a part of my convo with Scott, I was telling him what happened.: Stgn1066: hey lady VEGG1E Kat: hello Stgn1066: u good? VEGG1E Kat: am now VEGG1E Kat: I cut myself again this morning Stgn1066: shit VEGG1E Kat: stupid little incident Stgn1066: no Stgn1066: dont write it off like that Stgn1066: u will kill urself VEGG1E Kat: Me and Noah got home about 6 or 7 this morning and I wanted to go to sleep Stgn1066: y did u do it? VEGG1E Kat: but Noah was high Stgn1066: shit VEGG1E Kat: and he just didn't want to Stgn1066: baby Stgn1066: dont let him do that VEGG1E Kat: I told him that he just had to lie down with me for like 5 minutes til i fall asleep VEGG1E Kat: and he could do whatever he wants Stgn1066: yeah Stgn1066: yeah VEGG1E Kat: but he wouldn't even do that Stgn1066: what?!? Stgn1066: kat, u dont need that VEGG1E Kat: I was tired and I don't have my Prozac and stuff so I just flipped out Stgn1066: awww Stgn1066: kat, u r doing this to get sympathy Stgn1066: and its bad that it is working Stgn1066: r u okay with him? VEGG1E Kat: What am I doing to get sympathy? VEGG1E Kat: I don't need sympathy VEGG1E Kat: Me and Noah are perfectly fine agian Stgn1066: u want attention Stgn1066: ok VEGG1E Kat: I apologized Stgn1066: i DONT want u cutting urself! VEGG1E Kat: What do you mean I want attention... Stgn1066: u will kill urself Stgn1066: u desire attention VEGG1E Kat: Oh, I won't kill myself Stgn1066: u cut urself for it VEGG1E Kat: Noah won't let me VEGG1E Kat: Lol. VEGG1E Kat: No VEGG1E Kat: I don't like anyone knowing that I cut myself Stgn1066: PLEASE, u told me, PROMISED ME, u wouldnt cut urself VEGG1E Kat: If I wanted attention I'd go run around naked VEGG1E Kat: Yeah I was sorta driven to it Stgn1066: Kat, PLEASE, no more cutting VEGG1E Kat: It made sense at the time VEGG1E Kat: Yeah I know VEGG1E Kat: I won't Stgn1066: it makes me want to come over there Stgn1066: and it makes me hate Noah Stgn1066: i dont want to do either VEGG1E Kat: Noah did nothing wrong Stgn1066: i know VEGG1E Kat: He just didn't want to sleep VEGG1E Kat: I just flipped out Stgn1066: i know Stgn1066: just, he knows u will react in such a way VEGG1E Kat: and I apologized and we fell asleep on the knoll at Stevenson... it was so wonderful Stgn1066: he should facilitate to that Stgn1066: ehh Stgn1066: u cut urself VEGG1E Kat: Yes Stgn1066: r u alright now? VEGG1E Kat: I apologized for that VEGG1E Kat: I'm fine VEGG1E Kat: just really tired still Stgn1066: so u dont need any help? Stgn1066: (u r tired cuz u lost blood) VEGG1E Kat: No help needed Stgn1066: ehh, ok Stgn1066: have u read my diary VEGG1E Kat: Oh, I lost a whole lot of blood when Noah grabbed my knife from me. It cut my finger real bad VEGG1E Kat: I can barely type Stgn1066: shit Stgn1066: honey VEGG1E Kat: Noah fixed it up though Stgn1066: i want to come over there VEGG1E Kat: how come? Stgn1066: i have really good stuff to clean u up VEGG1E Kat: Oh, Noah sed that give him a month and he'll prolly talk to you face to face Stgn1066: Kat, i cant have anyone making u do this Stgn1066: no Stgn1066: i dont want to be mad at him Stgn1066: just let me come over and talk to u Stgn1066: please Stgn1066: i will bring some stuff to help u Stgn1066: maybe even a flower to make u rosier Stgn1066: (tee hee) Stgn1066: Kat, would that be okay? VEGG1E Kat: Honey, you are very sweet... but right now is not a good time VEGG1E Kat: Thank you so very much for your concern VEGG1E Kat: Noah did a good job cleaning me up already Stgn1066: ehh VEGG1E Kat: =] Stgn1066: when will it be the time? Stgn1066: u need outside help Stgn1066: help outside of just u and Noah Stgn1066: so the "cutter thing" wont be such a secret VEGG1E Kat: It's not. My psychiatrist, my psychologist, my three therapists, my {now} five counselors, the four proctors, my RA and all the RAs in this building and the on call psychologist all know about my "cutter thing" VEGG1E Kat: I'm not a cutter VEGG1E Kat: they aren't even that deep Stgn1066: ehh Stgn1066: i dont like that u inflict pain on yourself Stgn1066: u shouldnt be doing that VEGG1E Kat: The pain numbs me Stgn1066: please, i would like to come over Stgn1066: i know how u r Stgn1066: i was like that Stgn1066: i did believe the pain would numb me Stgn1066: but it just hurt me Stgn1066: that is until the day i cut so bad that i couldnt feel it VEGG1E Kat: My cuts are shallow and superficial Stgn1066: mine were too Stgn1066: until i found a letter opener VEGG1E Kat: I have two VEGG1E Kat: letter openers Stgn1066: i know that if u continue what u r doing, u will become like i was Stgn1066: Kat, if u want, i could show u that scar Stgn1066: it would let u see what u shouldnt become VEGG1E Kat: I'm not gonna become like that VEGG1E Kat: have some faith in me, man Stgn1066: i do Stgn1066: i just dont want u to lose faith in yourself So yeah... Me and Noah are okay now. I went postal on him yesterday. It was wild. I'm better now. It made sense in my mind at the time though. I also remember the exact moment when I decided to not cut myself anymore... to cope my other way... which is just thinking in my little quiet spot in the woods. It was when I saw my own blood on my door. When I turned around and my picture of Noah wasn't on my microwave. My blood on Noah's sweater... the pain and panic in his eyes. I broke down all over again.. my will to escape died. All within four heartbeats... The only thing I could hear- my heart pounding... And Noah's, I think I heard Noah's too. It was an intense moment. And I decided to stop doing whatever the hell I was doing. Noah came with me to my little spot. I didn't like it. It just wasn't right. There was too much hurt and mistrust... it killed the beauty surrounding us. I started back. Halfway back Noah finally decides to give me my exacto knife back. I loved him so much at that moment. For him to trust me again. It annoyed me that he wouldn't give it back til I told him that I wouldn't talk to him anymore unless he did. It still does when I think about it. Grr... Understandable though. I was being... yeah... he didn't know that I wasn't hurting enough to wanna cut myself anymore. If I'd told him, he wouldn't have believed me... he couldn't have taken the chance. I put the knife back in my room and we went back to my spot without any mistrust but with a lot of resignation I think. With a lot of love... We sat there and talked. Then we went to Stevenson and lied down on the knoll... took a two hour nap. It was very very nice.. basking in the sun. Then he wanted to show me his old room... he never did... he found some random girl and asked her to come eat. So we went to eat. The Stevenson dining hall sucks. They had good cheesecake though... we would have had that at College Ten. Her name is Jennifer. As if I needed another one. She sorta rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't dislike her... but she's not gonna be my new best friend either. At least I know that I'm not the only one who finds Noah attractive. =P She was sorta... iono. She acted like she was so elite... like she was better? She gave me that I'm better than you vibe. Kinda posh. Friendly, sure, but a very surface friendly. When she smiled at me it wasn't genuine... I think that's what got me. When Noah introduced me to her... that smile.. Iono. Like the one I give my parents. Meh. I'm over it. Prolly won't ever see her again. Won't miss her too much. Yeah... me and Noah came home. I was really tired... so he laid with me in bed for a while. Just held me. I drifted off to sleep... had a weird dream. He was actually falling out of my window. I woke up and he was trying to move away from me. I dunno why but I panicked. It was prolly my fear from my dream that drove it. He stayed with me... the love and relief I felt at that moment was unbelievable. I don't remember much after that but I know I slept well but not as well as I normally would have. Fear and wariness left over from the emotional episode and all the physical exertion trying to get away from him earlier. Mmmm.. It was very nice. First time I think in like 10 years that I slept {not drug-induced} earlier than 12. It was lovely. And we made love in the morning. Mmmmm. I love him so much. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .