Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ::crying:: February 03, 2003 ~ 9:59 PM I'm feeling sad. I dunno why... just suddenly felt sad. Then Noah sed all the wrong things... So that didn't help. I didn't know why I was sad but I needed Noah to love me.. So I went down to his room while he was eating and I wrote on his board "If you really love me you'll come up right now and show me. =/ >^..^< Kat" He didn't come up when he got there. Of course not. Why did I think he would? NoahDekkers: whats the note about? NoahDekkers: hello? VEGG1E Kat: was it hard to understand? VEGG1E Kat: did I use big words? VEGG1E Kat: did I spell something wrong? NoahDekkers: cut the spite VEGG1E Kat: No spite NoahDekkers: please VEGG1E Kat: just curious NoahDekkers: bs VEGG1E Kat: What was so hard to understand? NoahDekkers: why dont you explain why you wrote it, and anything else thats on your mind VEGG1E Kat: What do you mean? The note is pretty self explanetory NoahDekkers: ok, if there's nothing more to say then ill get back to it VEGG1E Kat: so you don't understand the note? VEGG1E Kat: did I write it in chinese or something? VEGG1E Kat: ... VEGG1E Kat: know what? VEGG1E Kat: nm NoahDekkers: whats up kat Auto response from VEGG1E Kat: I'm hiding from the world. NoahDekkers: dont do this drama thing NoahDekkers: please NoahDekkers: we were doing so good VEGG1E Kat: what don't you understand about my note? NoahDekkers: why you wrote it Auto response from VEGG1E Kat: I'm hiding from the world. The world is mean. NoahDekkers: Kat? NoahDekkers: your note said: "if you really love me, you'll come up right now and show me" -Kat NoahDekkers: is it possible for me to really love you and not come up right now? VEGG1E Kat: i don't think so... VEGG1E Kat: u know how i get NoahDekkers: well you can choose how you want to deal with this NoahDekkers: I'm sorry you have not seen me alot today but i have a lot of catching up to do from all those times that you have done those "you know now I get" things NoahDekkers: we talked about this alot NoahDekkers: i need to do what I need to do NoahDekkers: its your choice not to do what you need to do, whether it be social, academic, "feeding the ducks", etc VEGG1E Kat: i'm not gonna go out like this NoahDekkers: huh? VEGG1E Kat: nm NoahDekkers: Kat just stop this bs NoahDekkers: i dont have to give you attention all day for you to konw i love you VEGG1E Kat: yeah... i'm not asking for 24/7.. VEGG1E Kat: i'm asking for now NoahDekkers: i have class in less than 12 hours, i need to read to catch up for my next lecture. that seems pretty now to me, we can have sex anytime VEGG1E Kat: um... i don't remember saying anything about sex Then he came up. Too bad it didn't help, cuz not that it mattered anymore. It just doesn't mean as much if I had to go through all that crap to get a hug or a kiss from my boyfriend. He'd already made my sadness ten times worse. So much for trying to feel better. Why is it so hard for me not to cry? I wish I could just die right now so I wouldn't feel anymore pain. It hurt trying to keep myself from crying... so I gave up.. just sitting here in my room rereading my conversation with my wonderful boyfriend.. and crying. Melodramatic my ass. If it weren't for him I would NOT be melodramatic. If I were someone's boyfriend and I came back home to find that note on my board and I knew my girlfriend has depression and has barely gotten back on her Prozac I would have understood the "right now" and went and given her a hug and just held her and show her how much I love her. What would you have done? I seriously wonder if Noah thinks he's a good boyfriend. Cuz most people think he's not. My unconditional love for him says that he is... but maybe majority does rule. Maybe there is a god and Noah is a bad boyfriend. Maybe I'm just a bad girlfriend. I should just do what Mario does and not tell Noah when I'm sad or hurt etc and just cut and get rid of it myself. I'll have to go buy a new exacto knife or something. Hey I tried, didn't I? I did. Mario had the right idea... I don't wanna end up in the hospital like him though.. I'll be more careful. Mucho magnifico Mario. No shots or doctors or alcohol for me. I should ask where Mario cuts himself, I mean, how does his gf not notice? ... Hrm... I still need a hug. And I don't have the energy to ask Noah to come up here again. That always seems to take so much damned energy, getting him up here. Ugh, it hurts so much trying not to cry... especially if you have been crying and you stop and you wanna start again. Forcing it to not come out.. Ick. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .