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I wonder if Noah knows what it means to love?
February 04, 2003 ~ 2:27 AM
PeteParke: I love you Kat, and hope that you can be happy with yourself no matter where life leads you.
Sorry, Peter... it seems like everytime I become even marginally okay with myself, someone gives me a reason to hate myself again. Wild, huh? Not really. It sorta sucks fer the ol' self esteem that I lack already in the first place.
Me and Noah did not come to any concrete solution. I was tired of talking around in circles like we always do. Noah misinterpreted my little message and he thinks I did something wrong. I don't even know what to pretend to apologize for. I want to stop fighting so bad that I will just pretend to apologize just so I can get back to just loving him. He just kept on insisting I was wrong. Like in general or something. I did not see any right or wrong in the whole situation. Even Peter sed that Noah was the one who blew it out of proportion. All I wanted was my boyfriend to come to my room and love me for a few minutes. I don't even know why I was crying but I was not gonna go down to Noah's room crying. I was sitting on my bed crying. Waiting for Noah. But no, he couldn't just come when I wanted him to.. he had to fucking interrogate me into the ground which was the last thing I needed at the moment of course, feeling as sad as I was. I'm gonna have some crazy nightmares tonight. Falling asleep crying will do that to ya. If you cry, that is... {Mario, I think you are lucky... I wish I could not cry}. Fucking Noah. Instead of comforting me he made me even worse. I wish Peter had been home. Or Daniel hadn't been in Chris' room. Cuz I would have asked them then. And I could have IMed them, didn't even hafta leave my room. Steel myself and force the tears back and force a "genuine" smile for the people I see like Elson and Laurel and the Proctor man Scott. I mean, I really didn't want to bother Noah, I just really really needed to comfort. Or else I wouldn't have gone through all that trouble to make sure that he'd see it right when he got back from eating, before he started studying again. Noah's the one who misinterpreted my message in the first place. I don't understand why he thinks I'm "wrong". There is no right or wrong, dammit! The only wrong I committed was seeking love and comfort from my fucking boyfriend. What the fuck was I thinking. Why would I go to Noah for that? Of course he's gonna flip out and re-enact the Spanish Inquisition. So suspicious of my fucking motives. How's this for a motive? - "I'm sad. I need to feel loved. I need comfort." All that to do my fucking Chemistry homework. You know what? I'll be a UC drop out. Go live with Scott up in San Jose {different Scott, Scott, I know you're not from San Jose} and get a job. Blah blah blah. Too bad I love Noah too much to give up on him. Jen's right though, I'm starting to think that I've fallen in love with potential. I see the loving, caring, wonderful boyfriend that he can be and is some of the time. I see this boy who will find himself eventually and grow up, become a man. I just don't have the energy to deal with the bad right now. I cannot deal with getting my heart broken three times a week. I need to get my grades up more than Noah does, man. I can't even be mad at him for being so unfair... I just want to love him... I just want to have him in my arms. I won't apologize though.. cuz I didn't do anything wrong. It was not his fault for misinterpreting. He does that. He assumes. That's just the way he is though. I forgive him for it. I know he won't apologize for it but I forgive him anyway. Unconditional love, sucks. I'm never gonna win. He won't ever truly understand the depth of my depression or the intensity of my need for him until I kill myself one day/night. He doesn't seem to actually think it's important til my life is in danger. I love my life too much right now, Noah's in it. He doesn't understand that I'm honestly trying. He though I would cut myself, no honey, you did not hurt me that much yet. You'll have to do a lot better{worse?} than that to get me to cut again. Especially since I only have dull objects in my room... "Hey, you know that knife you have? Yeah, the steak knife. Could I borrow it for a second? I'll give it back to you as soon as I can. Thanks." Not too hard. So long as I don't ask Jamie. =P But I didn't do that {one reason could be I was concentrating too hard to not cry to be able to talk.. can only smile... if I'd tried to talk my voice would have cracked. Very telling} and I didn't even think of it. I went the other route and sought comfort in love instead of a coma in pain. It's okay, though. I just won't ask that of Noah anymore. He can love me the way he wants. Who cares about what I need. I have love from my friends. Maybe Noah's right about the lack of friendship thing in our relationship. Cuz any of the friends I can think of who love me would have been up in my room to love me, no questions asked. Daniel heard I was "sorta sad" and he was in here in 2 minutes flat. Peter heard I was crying and dropped food all over his keyboard. Then he was up here in a flash {after getting the food off his keyboard} with out asking anything. He didn't even know if I would let him in the door. I asked Noah to come... and I got the third degree. That is disgusting. My boyfriend is supposed to be the one who cares the most. The one who loves me the most. My best friend... maybe I just don't mean as much to him as he does to me? He always says that he loves me and that he's so attached to me and that I'm so much to him... He sure doesn't treat me like it. I think when he says that words don't mean shit and that actions are what counts he's just speaking of himself. His own philosophy er what not. When you love someone, as much as Noah supposedly loves me, wouldn't you want to be there for him when the person needs you? What does it mean for Noah Dekkers to be in love then? Selective times? Only when I have the time, I'll be there for you. I'm not even asking him to be there for me always. I rarely ask him to come up to my room. And like I said, I would have asked someone else if it were possible just so I wouldn't interrupt his studying. Eesh. I'm not saying that he did anything wrong. He just misinterpreted what I was asking of him. And he interogated me. Which was the last thing that I needed while I was pulling up the blinds to contemplate the distance of the ground from my window once again... I think I put them back down while Noah was in here, actually. I don't really remember. It could have been when Peter was in here. Cuz I rememeber hoping that they couldn't see the reason why the blinds were up from my facial expression... =P I think I'm just tired. I need sleep. Waking up at 9 to start on Chem homework. Chem. ACE. I wonder if he'll treat me any different? Oh wait, he ignores me in that class anyway. Mmmm... stuff. Why, he is everything to me then, cuz he's also pain and heartache. Fun stuff... Everything to me. Boy that I love more than Mimi or rainbows or leopard print or sex. My Noah. Mhmm. Nite.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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