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At school.. lunch time.. I think too much
May 20, 2002 ~ 12:06 PM
Me and Astha made up. We's kicking it again. As obnoxious as she is at times, I still love her. After all, she is the only real girl friend that I have. The majority of my friends are male and my better friends are those I've made on AIM.
I really never know what to say to her. She's always so emotional and depressed after getting the abortion. I don't know. Maybe somewhere deep inside, she regrets killing the baby? I try to just be here but I'm dealing with my own pain too. It's so hard to be there for her, when I'm barely able to be here for ME.
My life is actually much better than it has been. I cannot honestly say that I hate my parents anymore. I don't. Or maybe I do, but the Prozac makes it seem like I don't. I am okay with that. I dislike that emotion hate. It's petty and pointless. But I'll never forgive my parents for beating me and for abusing me emotionally. I've distanced myself from everyone because it's only when I get close that I am able to get hurt. I guess I'm protecting myself by not having a best friend. I don't need the emotional support, I've done so long without any.
I've gained 10 pounds. Terrible. Damned birth control pills. I'm still veggin' but I don't think it's affecting my weight any. I'm getting fat and I'm freaking out about it. I've been skinny all of my life I wouldn't know how to deal. I went from a size 1 to a size 5! How disgusting is that? How shallow am I? Damn. I don't know why I'm so freaked out. I guess it's cuz I know I'm not that pretty and that the only thing I had going for me was that I wasn't a 'fat chick'. Now I don't even have that.
I haven't hung out with any of my guy friends in forever. I'm not dating for a while. I'm not lonely. I don't miss Adam anymore. I don't miss Richie anymore. I've decided that I need no one because no one will be there for me. I'm not pessimistic, I'm realistic. I'm not gonna live in my happily ever after delusions anymore. I'm tired of searching for happiness. It's not gonna happen- true happiness. Ha. I was really stupid. Due to my openness and honesty, something significantly important to me, I lost my boyfriend. The one person in the world that I had let myself care about. In doing that, I gave him the means to hurt me. I don't know what I did to deserve this... unhappiness. Haven't I always been nice to everyone? Put everyone before myself? Fate is cruel and if there is a god he/she's a fucking bastard.
The bell is gonna ring for 5th. I don't really wanna go to psychology. I don't wanna go anywhere near people. I wish I had a car so I could just GO. Drive and drive and never stop?
I must return to my life where I am forced to pretend that I am happy and fine, to save my friends the feeling of obligation to worry about me.
Kaitlyn's all smiles now... right...
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....