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Life is crap. No, life is SHIT
June 11, 2002 ~ 12:00 AM
Whoa. It's 12. Happy midnight. =P My life is such crap. hah. Why did I even think for a second that tonight would turn out how I wanted it to? I must have forgotten for a wild moment that happiness is not even supposed to be in my sufficiently extensive vocabulary. I didn't want to go alone, right? So I did the thing where I decided to call people to see if anyone would go with me... I called Astha first, of course. She's the only girl friend that I hang out with. She says yes. Blah blah blah. I'm all good right? Sure. Turns out the girl is sick and when we get to Chain Reaction, after we buy the tickets, the girl decides that she has got too bad of a headache to even take a step inside. What crap. She wants to see a movie instead. Her head hurts so much and she doesn't 'wanna waste any money' since she's off to Germany soon. So she wants to see a movie. Okay... I tell her I wanna go home. On the way there, she was basically telling me once again how stupid I am and how naive and gullible I am. Blah blah blah blah blah. All her usual bullshit. Same bullshit my parents shove in my face. I finally told her about Emilio and the way I really lost my virginity. She totally made it seem like it was my fault. It took me nearly four weeks to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. And that I'm not a slut or a whore or wutever. I guess that was me in a constant state of denial. It was my fault. Of course. Everything is always my fault. I shouldn't have let him in. I shouldn't have drank the Bacardi. I shouldn't have let Ricky leave. I shouldn't have been so quiet and careful not to wake my little sister up. I shouldn't have let him touch me. It's all my fault and I know it. But Astha didn't hafta rub it in. She had the audacity to tell me 'You need to learn how to make decisions, babe'. Oh, that's so fucking bullshit. Why the fuck should I make decisions if no one is gonna give a fuck about what I want. Astha and my parents. All of them. They tell me to do something and then they don't let me. What the fuck? They make all the decisions for me. And if I make a decision, like to go see my friend's band play at Chain Reaction, it never works out anyway. Why the fuck do I keep on trying? Why do I want things. There's no fucking point not like I'm actually gonna get it! Eight bucks and a punk concert would have made me happy for days. But no. Something had to happen. I hate all these people who think they know all about me and they wanna help me correct all of my fatal flaws. Okay. Sure, I wish I could tell them all to FUCK OFF! Why can't they accept me for who I am? Instead of who they would like me to be. I never get what I want. And why is it that I just can't find a nice healthy realationship with someone? All of my 'best friends' treated me like shit (cept Sara) then juss ditched me alla a sudden. All of the guys I've been with broke up with me for lame reasons and hurt me or they were just using me. All of my so called friends are just horny guys who want to get in my pants or up my skirt whichever I am donning at the time. I HAVE NO FRIENDS. How sad is that. All of my relationships have been superficial and fake. There's no real depth to them if the person can juss dump me at the drop of a hat. What the fuck is so wrong with me that people can't just be with me?!?! Am I that of a monster? I try so hard to be nice to people. Does that even matter? What the FUCK is wrong with me? I hate crying. I hate feeling like my emotions get the best of me. My life is such a fucking bitch. I took a walk tonight and ended up walking around Glendora with some fucking stranger who just decided that he liked my legs. What the fuck. Some stranger. Named Matt. It was so retarded. The guy was stoned off his ass. And he smelled like beer. And I walked around with him for half and hour. Some damned skater I'm roaming around with him from 10 to 11:30. You know what? Fuck Glendora. Fuck friends, fuck family, fuck every fucking thing this side of the state. You know what? Fuck everything in this whole damned capitalist country. Why do I think that I'm going to be happy in Santa Cruz? I'm probably not. I'm not allowed to be happy. No, the fates could never stand for that. I am destined to live my life in perpetual misery. I'm gonna go up there and work my ass off at school and at wherever I'm working then. I'm gonna get fucked over by any friends I make and fucked over even worse by any guys that I date. There is just nothing for me. NO FUCKING THING. Am I done now? What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep on subconciously seeking these masochistic relationships and situtaions. I should juss cut the crap and shoot myself right now. =P
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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