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Graduation
June 13, 2002 ~ 12:40 AM
I am a high school graduate. Yay me. As of June 12, 2002 Kaitlyn Tammy Ho has finally left this chapter of her life. How exciting. Now I get to go to UCSC and eff my life up cuz I can. J/K. I look forward to moving out and being my own person for the first time in my life. It's a little scary for me. My parents had kept me sufficiently sheltered for sixteen years of my life. (My life being only 17 and 4/5 years long =P) I honestly cannot make decisions. I don't know what I am going to do out in the real world, out of my parents' complete domination. I am so used to everyone around me making decisions for me that I do not really know how to logically make a decision. Er. Not logically make a decision, but more like assertively making a decision. I don't really care. I just do whatever the other person wants. I don't really want anything in particular. That's a stupid thing to say. Anyone who knows me should know of my insatiable want of love and caring and affection. I want that from someone more than anything else in the world. I care about many people. I am a naturally caring/nurturing person. I wanna take care of people and make them happy and stop their pain. But there are those people that I love. Like, really love. Not head-over-heels-I'm-gonna-marry-him love, but the kind of love that burns deep within. Hot and subtle but it never dies. Those are the people that make me feel like I mean something to someone. So much that I am unsure as to whether or not these people are real. To have and to hold that person. To love them physically as well as emotionally and mentally and spiritually. That would mean the world to me. I am so scared to love... really love someone. After the whole thing with Orry. The whole thing with Emilio. The whole thing with Felipe. I don't even believe in love anymore. Not the way I used to. Love used to be so much. Now it's just a word I can use to describe liking someone or something considerably more than I like other people or things. I know I do love people still... but I no longer believe in the soulmate earth-shattering wonderous love that I used to. Love is so overrated. It's really nothing but trouble and heartache. At least that's all it has ever been to me. Love is a curse. I know this and yet I still get in over my head almost everytime. I still find people that I care for much more than I should. I still will find boys fun and exciting and fun. I'm always gonna be horny. So I'm always gonna be able to get hurt. Damn. Graduation signified the passong of one chapter of my life to another... but some things will always be the same. I'll never learn. That is disgusting. I disgust myself. I don't even know what love is yet. I don't think I've ever had the opportunity to experience the real thing. I'm so lonely right now. They three people I care for most in this world and actually want to be with are so far away. Out of reach. On the internet but physically thousands of miles away. That is so sad. I'm such a loser. I am so lonely right now. I feel empty inside. And I'm so bad that I've even considered taking Adam back; even though I had already decided that I didn't want the pain anymore. I know he's crap. But I want someone so bad right now. I am so lonely and it makes me so sad. I hate going through each day pretending everything is okay. But it's what I have been doing for the majority of my life. Except, in this case, I should be able to do something about it. If Adam doesn't give a shit about me then he doesn't deserve me. I didn't want to go for casual hook-ups but I think when I go to Puetro Vallarta in four days, I'm gonna get with any guy who will give me the time of day. I am so sick and tired of being alone. If I'm with someone, at least I can pretend that I am loved and I'm not all alone in the world. In my heart, of course, I'll always know I am alone, but in my mind, I can be happy and I can have someone who cares for me and wants to be with me. I went to the mall with Astha again today. I had to forgive her. I'm a forgiving person. I know, in her own twisted way, she loves me and she cares about me. She's just weird. Or maybe I'm making excuses for her, too. Like I used to do for Adam. I went out with Brooke tonight. She came by with her little Honda Civic. I thought of Adam and how much he hates Hondas. LOL. I think about him a lot. This entry is so random. I apologize. I have been awake since 6 AM 6/12 and it's like 1:27 AM 6/13. My family got me a dozen white roses for graduation. I love white roses. So pretty. And they smell so lovely. They just smell beautiful. Each set of my grandparents are giving me $500 for a credit card. So thats $1,000 on my future credit card. That's a lot for me. Poor, remember? That's like doubling my savings right now. That made me happy. All I want is a kiss. Juss someone to hold me in his arms and kiss me. It doesn't have to be all passionate or whatever. Just a kiss so I know someone cares about me. I feel so bereft. And I'm so in need of love. Not the I'm-so-in-love-with-you-I'd-die-without-you kind of love that doesn't really exist. Just the you-mean-something-to-me love. Something tangible. Something real. To find someone who wants to belong to me and wants me to belong to him. To fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him. So comforting. It could make me believe in love again. But it's not going to happen. Because frankly, guys just wanna fuck. I'm really tired. And my back hurts I've been on my feet or in stiff chairs like all day. Since 6 AM to be exact... Now it's 2. How fun. Happy graduation to me. I hope I can fill my void without breaking something (like say my heart) in the process...
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