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August 06, 2002 ~ 4:12 PM
Dammit dammit dammit. I hate this. I fall way too easily. Freaking son of a... ARG!!! What lameness. I don't even know what the hell I'm trying to do?!?! I like someone and I move in 38 days! I can't start a relationship right now! I just barely got over Joe, what, not even a week ago?
(I've come to the conclusion, that no matter how wonderful a person he is, he's not interested in me. Maybe I'm just not good enough for him. Or I'll be too far. Or maybe my parents scared him away. I still have his jacket... I wonder when he'll come get it... At least I didn't let the guy break my heart right? I said that I wouldn't let him. And I didn't. That is progress if I've ever seen it. I'm happy about that. I got over him without dying again. But then, I did say that it would have been impossible for him to break my heart even more... it's already in shambles. But still. I didn't hand over my heart, I actually sat back and saw if he wanted it. He didn't. =P)
Okay. So why am I falling for someone else now? My parents were yelling at me again today cuz they don't want me to have a boyfriend right now. Dang squattage. I'm more grounded than I was before. What crap. I don't get why they have to go on this stupid power trip right now. I MOVE OUT IN 38 DAYS!!! Do they really think they can control me while I'm gone?!?! If they do then they are dreaming or smoking something. There's really no point. I don't even really argue anymore. I'm tired of wasting my breath. Their idea of a 'discussion' is them ranting and raving- me listening quietly and agreeing. Yeah effing right. Not even. I don't put up much of a fight anymore cuz they won't listen to me anyway. They tell me I'm a slut and that I'm easy. That I seek relationships to hurt myself. Then, get this, they accuse me of not thinking highly enough of myself and having low self esteem. Then they start telling my how stupid I am and how illogical I am and how crazy I am again. It's kind of nice. And they tell me I have emotional problems. No shit, Sherlock. I've lived with them for 17 effing years it's a wonder I'm still sane. All this of the calling me a slut- only cuz they saw me kissing a boy. Yes. Kissing. What the froth. Guess what mom and dad? Your little girl isn't a virgin. She got date raped a few months ago. Yeah. But now she likes sex. Sorry. She's no angel. And you know how she was suicidal? That wasn't because of the boy. It's because she has hated you two and hated living with you two ever since she learned that it's illegal and not normal to hit your children with a 2 foot metal rod. I can't even say I dislike my parents. That doesn't even begin to convey my utter loathing towards them. Sometimes, when someone is upset (even if it's not with me), and they lift up their hand (to touch their face? to fix their hair?) I flinch. My parents are the only people that have ever hit me but I used to flinch when people raised their hand to wave hello to me. You know what my father told me? We just want you to be happy. You don't know how to be a person. We want to help you by protecting you. We just want you to be happy... And then a while later he was telling me that he knows I'm in love with Abel. He can see it in my eyes and in my face. And that I can't hide my happiness from him. And then he told me that I can't have a boyfriend until I'm 18 and I can't even go out to my punk shows anymore. Just because I was happy. And Abel was making me happy... I don't think I'm in love with him. But I do care about him. He's a great guy. And the thing is... I really think he would never ever hurt me if there was anything that he could do about it. Sometimes- he just holds me in his arms. And that makes me so happy just being there. I feel safe and content. He'd make a great boyfriend. The relationship we have now, the way we are when we are together.. it's how I've always wanted. He is sweet. And he's freaking hilarious. And he has dimples. And a really cute voice. And he makes Plan-B rock. He's the first guy who's ever called me adorable. lol. That's my word. I call ppl adorable. I've never had anyone call me that. I was like... yo. u jacked my word. lol. But it's really cute. I don't know why I even hooked up with Warren. I liked Abel better all along. I was always more interested in him. (Warren is a guitarist in Plan-B. Abel's the lead singer) I like the way he dresses. The thing is though... with Abel... I feel like I'll break his heart before he breaks mine. And I like him even more for that. I would never hurt him. I can't. It would hurt me even more. Abel Luque is perfect. For me. Maybe daddy's right about my feelings toward Abel. I think I'm falling in love with him.
The life span of a taste bud is ten days. Real fact. Says under my Snapple cap. All Natural Peach Iced Tea. =P
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