Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry not sotally tober August 10, 2002 ~ 10:55 PM i went and saw Abel today. and he made me cum twice without even having sex... whoa. that's bizarre. i never cum. he's a great guy though. i love being in his arms. i can tell he cares about me. he's so beautiful. sometimes i think that i don't deserve him- that i don't deserve this joy that i feel. but really, maybe it is time that i'm finally happy. doesn't everyone deserve a chance at true happiness? i thot about it and even if he doesn't decide to be my boyfriend... i still have this time with him now to love and cherish forever. no one has ever been this good to me before. and the thing is i don't even think he's trying. i'm sure that we are so perfect for each other. it so sucks that i'm going so far away. i'm typing with my eyes closed right now so sorry about any typos that i make... i'm not totally sober right now... i saw Smiley at Finkbiner Park and he was with 2 friends of his. they bought me skyy blue. that stuff is so yummy. i only had two. but i downed them really fast... and i didn't have dinner. so im like buzzing now. it's funny really. abel is so wonderful. i am so happy to be alive just cuz he's here in my life to make me laff and smile... and moan... lol. he's so sexy. i totally adore him to no end. this guy was totally hitting on my tonight. he sed i was 'so fine' and that i have a nice ass and a hot body. he was actually pretty cute. he's kinda nice i guess. cept he's 18 in two days and he's a junior in hs. lol. not that i was interested in him anyway. i am a natural flirt but i didn't even touch him. i was actually thinking of abel the whole time. jen was there anyway. even she sed that well i'm not really with abel so i should just go for that brent guy. cuz he was cute. but i didn't... i dunno. i know abel prolly doesn't wanna be my boyfriend, but a girl can dream right? i still feel like i belong to me. i owe him so much. i finally know for a fact that a person like him exists... that im not searching for a fantasy guy. he's everything i've ever wanted in a boyfriend and at the same time what i thought was just my fanciful thinking. but there really is such thing as a guy like him who is so perfect and so sweet so caring so beautiful that he rocks my world just by existing in my life. i am so elated when i talk to him when i am with him. he drives me wild. and i adore him to no end. i dont even think about flurting with other guys anymore. which is so so not like me. i ever flirted with ppl still when i was dating adam. and he was my boyfriend. abel is so great. but i'll settle with wutever time i get to spend with him. cuz if he can't be happy with me being so far away i don't want him to be my boyfriend. i ust want him to be happy, you know? if he says no to me.. and i'm just a summer fling to him... so be it. i don't want him to be stuck in a relationship that he's not totally thrilled to be in. i know how that feels. i've never been totally thrilled to be in any relationship i've been in... i've been content to settle for wutever... i want so much better for abel luque. he deserves the world and all the stars in the sky and any rainbow he wants. any girl he wants. i'll be devastated if he says no. it'll tear my up and i might even feel used again... but i don't even care. i want him to be happy. whatever makes him happy. damn. i'm so in love with him that i'm totally willing to let him go if he wants to. he's already told me that if we have a long distance relationship he'll break his own heart but it'll be my fault. i'll kill myself before i hurt him intentionally. so i'm ready to tell him that. i'm going to let him make his choice without being scared of hurting me. i know now that someone like him exists. he's given me happiness and hope for future joy... i can't ask for more than that. he would be the perfect boyfriend... but if he's gonna get hurt in the process... it's not worth it. i can bury myself in school again. or drugs. i'm good at hiding my pain from the world. i don't even know what i'm talking about. my head hurts. and i miss abel already. you know what? i would try so so so so so so so so so so so hard to make him happy and be a good girlfriend to him. but the problem is that i'm moving. i'll miss him so much. but i'll always be worried that he'll find someone else. i dunno. i'm willing to take the chance. i want him so bad. he is so perfect for me. id marry him if he wanted me to. i'm gonna go now. and watch hardball with keanu reeves. buh byez. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .