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Another two steps back. One leap.
February 16, 2003 ~ 3:30 AM
We were doing so good. It was all so perfect. Wonderfully beautiful and I had my first Valentine and I tromped around in the rain with him and we sat in his spot and watched to ocean and we loved each other so much. And then he had to ruin it. I don't know how he can do it. Turn off love and affection. Mad skill of his, really. Just suddenly out of no where. "Just don't touch me right now." WE WERE DOING SO GOOD!!! Our relationship was perfect. He was perfect. I gave him his time to read and he didn't read. And tonight he told me to make him finish at least one chapter. And then he got annoyed when I tried to do that. And suddenly I was the bad guy again. "Don't touch me." Ouch. I hate it when he says that. It breaks my heart to hear the boy you are head over heels in love with tell you not to touch him. It was like a smack in the face. Reality check. Nothing's perfect remember? Pain comes with the pleasure. I wanted to come here and write about that. The pain/pleasure relationship. And Noah got pissed and left. He told me "You'll be fine tonight." Sure. I'm always fine. I'm always okay. It don't matter what is going on inside. Right? I was leaving so he could get his space. I was gonna go sit in my nook til he was asleep so I could type. I cannot stop crying for the life of me. He's probably asleep right now. And I'm here crying alone. I can still smell him. I think it's cuz I have his sweats. I'll take them down right now. I hate my life so much. Just when I finally start to believe that it will get better, it just goes back to worst. Dammit, somebody shoot me. I should look into getting a plane ticket to Iraq. Now that's the place to be. No matter where you are you're bound to get shot or bombed or something. Right? I was about to leave the room with his sweat pants and sweatshirt when I noticed that other smell. The one I was sorta smelling all night. My purple shirt with his cum all over it. That's what I was smelling. Cried more. Picked it up. Took the things down. And my room STILL smells like him. I really don't know why I thought that everything was gonna stay alright. Noah has that annoying tendency to cut off the love and affection at certain times. I would have given him his two inches on my bed after he'd cuddled and given me some peace of mind. I had had a horrible flashback earlier about that one time my dad locked me in the dumpster. And the sound of the flies was so loud and stuff. Who am I kidding. I can't sleep tonight. I'll have such bad nightmares. Sometimes I wish that my nightmares would really affect me in real life. Like I get eaten alive by maggots in my nightmare or something and then I really die in real life. If only it where that easy, huh? Or when I'm drowning in my dreams. Why can't I just really suffocate? That would be wonderful to just die in my sleep. So much easier and no mess. The way I'm gonna kill myself will probably leave a huge mess. Or you know what? I can do the unmessy thing. I could "borrow" Noah's car, go to his spot, and take a little "swim". Cuz you know I know how to swim. I'm so tired of this. Getting my hopes up. Just to get them shoved through a meat grinder. {Thought of one time my dad got mad at me and made like he was gonna stick my hand/arm into the meat grinder but another cook saw us and he pretended he was just kidding.} My parents are so prominent in my mind tonight. It was ironic that Noah tried to make himself feel better by telling me that I'll be alright tonight. Of all nights. I hope he's thrashing in his sleep. {Bitterness. I can taste it in the back of my throat. I would throw up if I could stop crying.} That's a thing I like about this whole online diary thing. No tear stains and smears from when I'm crying onto the page. Mhmm. Random thought of my mom or dad or both beating the shit out of me and telling me that they love me so much and that I just needed to be good. ::shivers:: I'm exhausted. I can't let myself sleep though. Oh no way. I'll kill myself first. I'd kill myself to save from reliving all that shit. And there I was, worried that I actually might have nightmares even with Noah sleeping with me, but telling myself that he loves me and I'm loved and that it'll all be okay. And then he tells me not to touch him. And now he's gone. Gone. I don't have anything anymore... Nothing. I was so happy. Not even three hours ago. I was SO HAPPY. Everything was so wonderful and I couldn't ask for anything more. I was doing my work and I was in love and content and everything was just perfect. And now I'm determined to die again. I wonder if they'll charge me money for missing the appointments I have with the two therapists and the psychiatrist. Or should I call and leave a message now? Cancelling the appointment? "Sorry, but I'm really sure I won't be able to make it, you know. Unless you wanna come find me, I'll be in that urn over there with the inscription "Tammy Yong-tien Ho 1984-2003" on it. Tammy cuz I never did get to change my name. Damn. I wish my tears don't fuck up my keyboard. I think I'll take the bus to the beach in the morning. And go for a morning swim. Hypothermia would be unlikely. So I'm good to go. Mhmm. I haven't been writing in my diary. It's pretty likely everyone has stopped reading it, yes? Yeah... I wonder if you understand. You all think life is so grand and so worth it. Does the sadness hit you like a hammer to the head though? Dizzy with grief. I yearn for death because I see no other answer. All my life I have been loved; and emotionally abused by those who love me. How does my life seem worth it then? I have so much love for him. So much love to give. I need him so much. {I've always wanted to be needed. I was rarely even wanted.} I needed his love and his comfort tonight to help my battle my demons. Damn flies. It's all their fault. Damned flies in the bathroom. They started it. They brought the fear and cold back into my life that I was desperately trying to pull together. Then Noah Dekkers amplified it. Then Noah Dekkers left. He left me alone to battle my demons. That's funny that he should thinnk I can. It's never happened before. I've tried before. You remember right? The last 5 or 6 years of my life? Sleeping alone? Battling my demons with the love I had from my friends and my cat etc? The only nights I didn't cry were the nights I snuck my cat into the house and he slept with me. I miss my cat. Unconditional love. I love Noah more than I love my cat, but my cat loves me more than Noah does. How so very unfair to my precious little kitty. Maybe he's forgotten me by now. He felt like a stranger when I went home last. It was just... wrong. So I don't even have Shadow's love anymore. And I don't have Noah. I just don't have anything. ... I have to pee though... Hey... did you know that a human being can live up to 20 days without food but only about 2 without water? Amazing. I think I'll give Noah my Brita filter. He wants it so bad. I'm sure it'll be painful. But yeah. I don't plan on leaving my room for a while anyway. Scratch the drowning idea. I'm gonna starve myself. And dehydrate myself. Etc. Sounds good! Two days. It's 4:18 AM. Let's see if this works. {Now I'm sorta all giddy and excited. I think I'll go take a nap.} {After I pee} {I wonder if I should still take my Prozac? I certainly won't need birth control and vitamins.} Why does Noah abandon me? Why does he always need space when I need love the most. Or that's how it seems anyway. And he knew. I told him about the flashback I had. He had me tell him. He's the one who made me remember and retell it and think about it again. And then he wouldn't even let me touch him in bed. I even let him turn off the Xmas lights {it was so dark in the dumpster...} so that he could sleep better. So that whole with that whole incident fresh on my mind... I was so terrified of reliving that moment tonight... But of course, Noah needed space. He had the audacity to tell me that he needed space more so than I needed love and comfort at the moment. I could not even believe he said that. Wanted to start crying right there but I wouldn't let myself. I didn't start crying until he left and my door slammed. Then I started bawling. Noah is just really inconsiderate sometimes. He doesn't think about me having depression and me having nightmares cuz a really bad incident was fresh on my mind. He just needed his space and that's all that mattered, you know? I know. I know all too well. I don't forgive him for it. Cuz he won't apologize for it. And he's most definitely sleeping like a baby right now. My baby. I love him so much. I just don't want to deal anymore. It sucks. A lot. Dealing. It's like I'm trying to climb up this huge mountain {with my being out of shape and my semi-severe heart murmur mind you} and getting closer and closer to the top. Closer to the top of the world; closer to flying. Being so exaltant and just thrilled at my progress, and having someone cut the rope that's holding me... tumbling all the way down to the nearest ledge again. That ledge was a far way down. Why should I exert myself and try to climb back up {just to be shoved back down again} if it's so much easier to turn around and jump to my death, and experience how it feels to fly like that? I'm gonna go pee now. And take my Brita filter down to Noah. And go to my nook. And cry? I wish I had a good book to read. Maybe I'll read my Chemistry as I waste away. Noah would be so proud. ::tear falls down face dramatically::
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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