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Terror... then... Froot Loops
February 24, 2003 ~ 4:48 PM
Depression has once again, for inexplicable reasons, consumed me. I had a particulary gruesome nightmare last night. It has become hazy. I do not remember the details of it. Amazing how my body and mind will do that. Have a terrifying experience and then physically shut down so as to forget it. I could not get out of bed this morning. My resolution for missing no more classes became meaningless. The sadness simply engulfed me. I was suddenly inert. I could not have risen from bed if I'd tried. My depression was that intense. Oh, I fought it. Mark my words, I tried every single thing I could think of, physical or mental, to rouse myself. Nothing would motivate me. The nightmare was just that bad... I'm glad I don't remember it... It had illicited a fear towards Noah. I remember cold fear washing over me when I heard him sign on to AIM. {I have an alert for him... ::ring::} ::shivers:: He messaged me... I did not know whether or not I should message him... I don't know what possessed me to do so, but I did in the end. There was this voice in my head screaming to just ignore him. Cuz if I didn't message him he would not come up. If he didn't message me I would not have to pretend to be happy. I was unsure of whether I had the energy to feign normalcy. My heart protested that I did want to see him. And in that split second the decision was made to message him back. But then I regretted it... I wasn't sure if I wanted to be talking to him at all. I was hoping to use reverse psychology to discourage his coming up. He's got this thing, if I ask him to come up or ask him to stay, he just gets more annoyed. And he generally won't stay or come up or even come visit for the rest of the day. However, once he was up here, I feared he would actually stay if I asked him to do so... I did not have to worry about that. He was out my door within 10 minutes.The relief I felt at his departure was only hampered by the profound sense of loss. Noah had bought me three boxes of Froot Loops, the dear boy. But I believe I would rather have had him consent to sleep in my bed this morning than ever eat Froot Loops again. Because at some point, while dealing with my inner turmoil, one of my appeal for his continued presence in my room was genuine. It was, predictably, promptly denied. I doubt he noticed the ongoing battle within myself; pushing away at my nightmarish image of him. At his departure, I was both relieved and terrified. I was quickly hit with a wave of apathetic weariness. I no longer cared about... anything. I did not want to face the world. The logical answer: To not face the world. I fought myself for some time, actually. Told myself I wanted to get up... I resigned about 11:23A by letting myself drift off into slumber, my own personal process involved in self-induced amnesia. I don't remember the nightmare at all, now. There is a part of me that wants to. So I can tell Noah about it. And see what he says about it. Now, after all the fear has diminished. I'm eating Froot Loops. And my spirits are getting higher every minute. Noah's love is once again secure within me: heart, mind, soul. It's astounding what my body can do. Just shut down until all the bad goes away. My alternative coping mechanism since cutting is no longer an option. I do not know which is worse. I honestly do hope with all my heart and soul... ________. We'll leave that blank. There is something for which I desire. I just do not remember what.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....