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New away message: "Promise"
February 24, 2003 ~ 2:35 AM
I wrote this after Noah left me just a little bit ago. He came to give me a hug. He was threatening to take his pillow and I got scared... He wanted me to promise to turn around and face the demons when they are chasing me tonight... How can I promise that? I can't control my dreams... if I could, I wouldn't dream the things I do! Anyhow, I couldn't promise and Noah got all pissed and upset... yet he kept it inside. He didn't want to upset me. So I wouldn't have nightmares, I suppose. He must love me a lot, huh? To get pissed at me and so bitter just cuz I wouldn't promise him I'd face my demons. I wasn't sure if I could. But I sat down and I wrote this away message and I became more confidant.
I'm with Noah somewhere... even if only in my dreams. I'm always with Noah Dekkers. I'm sleeping right now. And dreaming of this love that continues to blow my mind. I promise I'll try to have sweet dreams, Noah. I'll dream of waking up next to you or waking up with your arms around me. Waking up and smiling. I love you, Noah John Dekkers.
Then I went to get into bed and an image flashed in my mind of those vampires you see on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I thought about another night alone when my demons are already starting to fight their way out... And I got scared. And I added to the away message. A message directed directly to Noah.
You don't understand, though. I can't fight the demons without you. I need you to be here. That's the only reason why I'm so much better! Because you have been there for me to help me fight my demons... I don't have it in me to fight them alone. I've had to fight them alone all my life. They usually only win at night. But you've kept them away. You've kept them from me. My savior. My lord. My... okay wait... maybe not all that... but still.. I can promise to try. But I can't promise to succeed.
I'm terrified, you know? Of sleeping alone tonight. *shivers* I'm glad he didn't take his pillow. I was so frantic about his threatening about taking the pillow that I heard but didn't even really register two/thirds of the stuff he said. I was just concentrating on getting the pillow... I don't even want to think about sleeping without the pillow... he scared the crap out of me... I thought he was seriously going to take it. I didn't even think too much about actually making to promise or whether or not it was a promise that I could keep... cuz I generally don't make promises that I can't keep... and I didn't exactly ponder his requested promise so I just kept saying no and trying to get the pillow back. It reminded me of my cat when I have that cat-nip stuffed mouse on the end of the string and he goes after it but I always keep it just out of reach... Yeah... I go sleep. Nitey nite... Wish me luck... sweet dreams... Noah. Yes, wish me Noah.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
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