Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry fuck EVERYTHING February 27, 2003 ~ 6:14 AM My *wonderful* boyfriend just did, in 18 seconds, what it took my parents 18 years to do. He destroyed my desire to live. He doesn't understand that though my desire to live did come from myself {catalyzed by finding love through him} he is able to destroy it only because his opinions mean so damned much to me. Noah Dekkers just told me that I have no future. And that I should fuck his up. At that moment, every single hope and dream I've ever had since childhood, shattered. I had faith in me. He made me lose faith in faith. Good thing I mailed out those checks yesterday. Paid everyone back. Since I have no future, I believe I do have a date with destiny. It hurts to die drowning. Your lungs explode. So I either die, or I miraculously learn to swim. Do you believe in miracles? I don't. Off I go to my watery grave. Noah says that love is a selfless thing. So in other words, he doesn't love me so much at all... "give me my space, leave me alone, respect me, respect my wishes, you can only see me when i want to see you, me, me, me, my future, I'm important, you don't see, me, me, me" and I love him more than I've ever known. I'm going to leave him alone. And even dignify his statement about my not having a future, by not having a future. Then, not only will he get back on track in his classes, but he'll be a bona fide prophet also. I'm just tired of people expecting the worst of me, that I can't or I don't or I'll never, and having to try and prove them wrong. Especially people who love me so much... my parents. And now Noah. I change my mind; I'm never gonna be good enough for myself. I'll never be good enough for anyone. Cuz I died on February 27, 2003. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .