Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry the expected nightmare April 09, 2004 ~ 11:51 AM Matt didn't call me to say goodnight last night. He'd promised to call me every night we were apart. Meh. So I was sorta sad last night. Was able to sleep though, with aid of heavy blankets trick. Still had a nightmare, though. Matt was at a party. He didn't know I was there or something cuz he didn't really see me. But he kept hitting on this one girl who looked all weird. She was wearing all sortsa green and I didn't know her name so I called her Ribbet. Heh. But yeah. He wasn't drunk but throughout the night he juss kept on touching her. At one point he tackled her onto a sofa. Gah! Hurt so bad. I was crying a lot in my dream and telling Matt to stop and to come and love me but he just didn't. It was like I was invisible or he was just ignoring me. Damn my nightmares. Now I'm all scared and paranoid. If he did cheat on me, I would never know. Who's gonna tell me? Matt won't. He lies to me sometimes and I know it and it feels like shit but I try not to bitch. But it does hurt. And that sucks. Sometimes I think I'm too dramatic. And I know that in reality, being in love is always my downfall, my weakness, it's my cornerstone and if the love cracks or disappears... I just crumble to the ground. Matt doesn't think the next two months are very long... but to me it is an eternity. There is something not right about that. I should not need him to be here to trust him and to be secure in him. But he does tend to break promises and tell little or not so little lies. He has just recently demolished my trust for him... How am I to rebuild this trust if he is 400 miles away doing goddess knows what? Deep down I'm just scared of losing him ultimately. Selfish reasons, I know- I don't wanna go through the heartbreak again. I don't think I can... The whole thing with Noah was a huge beautiful debacle but it sliced me to pieces. I can't do it again. I won't do it again. I'll die before I submit myself to that degree of pain again. I think... {me being a drama queen, i know} that if I lose Matt, I'd lose myself- not just my heart but my mind, my equilibrium, my very essence... I love him too much... I can't lose him. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .