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officially thrown myself kicking and screaming into the proverbial sea of emotional turmoil.
April 10, 2003 ~ 12:21 PM
my heart is screaming ceaslessly at me, an overwhelming dull ache. my mind is swimming with doubts and throbbing with pain. my soul severely reprimands me for letting my spirit sail away into a dark abyss of lonliness. my body is sluggish and the world seems much too fast. my whole being curses me for letting go of the one thing that made this life worth living. and i am indeed cursed. by my own doing. all due to a revelation had when i retrieved my blasted pill box. after sleep i still remember. my self induced amnesia was not administered to my aching heart of my lonley soul or my sloth like body or very being. i still remember. i remember that inability to function that assaulted me three days ago when my heart was ripped from my body and put on a shelf instead of cherished. the only difference is i can type this time around. my fingers tell the story, a speed inconsistant with the rest of my body. my eyes cannot follow their movement and have closed in resignation. i think about him and my whole being aches. he means the world to me. that one thing that i have been searching for that will help me realize how to make my life complete, how to grow to my fullest potential, how to live and love and cherish the good and the bad and the harsh and the painful and the unfair and the just. how to live life for kaitlyn and not for vivian and hanry. my room reflects a fraction of the disasterous ordeal that i am experiencing. i wish i could tear my room apart in anger and frustration and heated loathing towards myself and my own stupidity. my one consolation prize being one that i may not even receive. noah dekkers being happy: the only reason why i do not crawl back to him though i do despair. he actually is not what makes my life worth living. in all honesty he is just the one thing that i love more than life. I NEED HIM. he's the meaning in my life. my heart. it is an electron in an s-orbital around a nucleus that is Noah Dekkers. i am so lost.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....