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my love for Noah
April 10, 2003 ~ 1:35 AM
Um... I want to say "just kidding. I take it back. I really love you. Take me back again." But I really do think he will be happier this way. This is what he wanted, right? He'll get his privacy. I won't hang out in his room anymore. I won't annoy him anymore. I won't impede his studies anymore. I won't be a hindrance anymore. I won't annoy him anymore. I won't frustrate him anymore. I won't take anymore of his time. I won't waste anymore of his life. I won't cause anymore of his pain. I won't be a disappointment anymore. This is the right thing to do. He's going to get happy soon. He doesn't seem happy. I steeled myself. Prepared myself not to cry. Cuz I thought I would find him happy. But I wouldn't let myself cry because I want him to be happy. And now I want to cry because he's upset. And I'm sad. So nothing was gained from in. When I climbed into his room to get my pill box, and he was raving mad, I finally saw it. His point of view. Why me and him don't work. We see the same exact thing and he'll see pink and I'll see purple. The same situation, different perspectives. Ah. So that's why he broke up with me. Not because he doesn't love me. Just because he's an asshole by nature. And I'm a lover by nature. Well, that's just my point of view. Anyway, me and Noah's point of views are VERY different. He's an inconsiderate bastard {only sometimes of course. Noah Dekkers is amazing and wonderful}, but he's got his reasons.
I finally see the light, Noah. I finally see it. You were trying to tell me this all along. You don't need me. I'll only get in your way of your chosen path. Maybe you know of this pain that I feel right now. Knowing the only way to make you truly happy I would need to break my own heart. A dull pounding achestarting at the heart and traveling throughout the body. I know you love me. I love you more than anything in the whole entire world. I broke up with you because I finally saw what you meant. Why I wasn't good for you. I need to be loved. I need sypmathy and compassion and I need someone to understand. YOu need your solitude, your privacy, your space, your studies. I need you like I need water. I can barely function without you. You need me like you need, well, a cat. Fun and cute but more a hassle when you get down to it. In my eyes, letting me take a nap under your bed is compromise {I didn't ask you to sleep with me tonight} and love {I told you I simply wanted to be near you}. In your eyes, letting me take a nap under your bed is a complete breach of precious boundary lines. I wonder if it's because Jen used to sleep under your bed? I don't know. Talking to Jen on the telephone takes precedence to me. I simply wanted to take a nap. But it wasn't simple to you. Noah. I want you do be happy. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it. I won't try to kill myself. Because I want to see you succeed and flourish. I want to see you happy. Truly happy for once. You told me that I could never make you happy, and I told you that doesn't mean I can't try my damnest anyway. Anything you want Noah. I'll do it. Be happy. Even if it makes me sad. Anything you want. You wouldn't let me make whatever choice you were talking about when you kicked me out of your room. So I made the choice that you forced me to see. That the only way to make you happy is to set you free.
I'm sure it will stop hurting so so much when I actually see the fruits of my sacrifice. When I see him truly happy when he gets straight As. And then, maybe, when he's ready to think of clinginess and smothering as love and affection, maybe someday I'll be truly happy again. I guess I've grown up in a way. I am now willing to wait. I thought I was gonna come up here and cry myself to sleep. I think the Prozac kicked in and now it's been rationalized. Instead of "Why is he so upset?" "Why isn't he happy?" "Isn't this what he wanted in the first place?" I now have "Of course he's going to be mad at first. I threw such a fit when he broke up with me. He'll get happy when he loves his life again." "I prolly just hurt him a lot so he's mad but soon he will see that it's in his best interest." So why am I dying inside. My love for Noah: the reason why I broke up with him.
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