Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry jake and suzanne April 10, 2003 ~ 6:15 PM Kat says: ... Kat says: are you the jake i think you are? Jake says: yes Kat says: do you still read my diary? Jake says: no last one i read was like a week or two ago Jake says: why wassup a heartbroken Kat says: Noah broke up with me a heartbroken Kat says: I flipped out a heartbroken Kat says: got sent to a mental hospital a heartbroken Kat says: Noah came and rescued me a heartbroken Kat says: got back with me a heartbroken Kat says: I felt like I forced him to a heartbroken Kat says: He was so angry a heartbroken Kat says: so bitter a heartbroken Kat says: so mean a heartbroken Kat says: wanted privacy even more a heartbroken Kat says: wanted his own space a heartbroken Kat says: wouldn't let me in his room a heartbroken Kat says: he kicked me out of his room so he could make a phone call to Jen a heartbroken Kat says: like a heartbroken Kat says: physically a heartbroken Kat says: shoved, pushed, pulled me out of his room a heartbroken Kat says: and slammed the door a heartbroken Kat says: and then i realized why he broke up with me? a heartbroken Kat says: maybe a heartbroken Kat says: anywya a heartbroken Kat says: so I broke up with him a heartbroken Kat says: Cuz it was what he wanted all along, right? a heartbroken Kat says: and now a heartbroken Kat says: i just want to cry forever a heartbroken Kat says: he won't talk to me a heartbroken Kat says: he won't let me see him a heartbroken Kat says: i thought it would make him happy a heartbroken Kat says: and now that i know that it didn't a heartbroken Kat says: i want him back a heartbroken Kat says: but then he's just going to be all angry and upset with me a heartbroken Kat says: i don't get it a heartbroken Kat says: all i know is i'm falling apart and my heart is raw with pain Jake says: sorry a heartbroken Kat says: ? Jake says: comp froze a heartbroken Kat says: ah a heartbroken Kat says: when'd you freeze? Jake says: when u said about the hospital a heartbroken Kat says: oh a heartbroken Kat says: Noah came and rescued me a heartbroken Kat says: got back with me Jake says: wow a heartbroken Kat says: I felt like I forced him to He was so angry so bitter so mean wanted privacy even more wanted his own space wouldn't let me in his room he kicked me out of his room so he could make a phone call to Jen like physically shoved, pushed, pulled me out of his room and slammed the door and then i rea a heartbroken Kat says: lized why he broke up with me? so i broke up with him a heartbroken Kat says: Cuz it was what he wanted all along, right? a heartbroken Kat says: and now i just want to cry forever he won't talk to me he won't let me see him Jake says: damn thats quite a week a heartbroken Kat says: i thought it would make him happy and now that i know that it didn't i want him back but then he's just going to be all angry and upset with me Jake says: how are ya feelin now a heartbroken Kat says: {this was the longest week of my life} Jake says: ya Jake says: what do u want out of this a heartbroken Kat says: i don't get it all i know is i'm falling apart and my heart is raw with pain a heartbroken Kat says: I dunno a heartbroken Kat says: I just wanted to talk to someone who knew him a heartbroken Kat says: or just talk a heartbroken Kat says: I've been talkign to my diary a lot but it's different Jake says: no i mean what do u want out of the situation with youu and noah a heartbroken Kat says: i'm head over heels in love with him a heartbroken Kat says: and i let him go cuz i thot it would make him happy a heartbroken Kat says: i still want to be really really good friends with him a heartbroken Kat says: and maybe one day he'll be ready to really love me a heartbroken Kat says: and treat me right? a heartbroken Kat says: or at least with a little more compassion Jake says: im sorry to say this... Jake says: but i doubt he'll ever get to that point with you a heartbroken Kat says: why? a heartbroken Kat says: he's friends with Jen again a heartbroken Kat says: always calling her, IMing her, etc Jake says: i just dont think he loves you as much as you love him a heartbroken Kat says: i believe the same. however, noah thinks differently a heartbroken Kat says: he insists that he loves me more than i do him Jake says: trust me i know that one Jake says: ya but noah thinks a lot different than what he says a heartbroken Kat says: this is true a heartbroken Kat says: i just hurt so much a heartbroken Kat says: sporadic crying a heartbroken Kat says: anything just gets me a heartbroken Kat says: i am devastated Jake says: how many times does noah make you hurt or devasted Jake says: per like week or month or day whatever a heartbroken Kat says: three times a month? a heartbroken Kat says: iono a heartbroken Kat says: but it lasts like days a heartbroken Kat says: usually a heartbroken Kat says: but i annoy him a heartbroken Kat says: and infringe on his privacy a heartbroken Kat says: etc a heartbroken Kat says: and i think i hurt him a lot by breaking up with him even though i thought that's what he wanted a heartbroken Kat says: he was just so mean! telling me "kat, get out of my room" a heartbroken Kat says: just repeating it a heartbroken Kat says: and he ended up shoving me out a heartbroken Kat says: physically a heartbroken Kat says: there was so much anger a heartbroken Kat says: i couldn't take that then a heartbroken Kat says: i had just come out of a very startling and traumatic situation a heartbroken Kat says: i just needed to be around him, you know? a heartbroken Kat says: i didn't even ask to sleep with him n stuff. instead i asked if i could take a nap under his bed. and he flipped a heartbroken Kat says: i'm so confused a heartbroken Kat says: he wanted to be single a heartbroken Kat says: and now he won't talk to me a heartbroken Kat says: he's the one who won in the end Jake says: alright i dont know if you really want to take my advice but here is what i think... a heartbroken Kat says: take into mind that noah means the world to me Jake says: i think that noah got with you because he needed to fill the gap he lost from jen, but i think that noah is to young or naive or something to understand how to compromise with someone, he doesnt know how to let people infringe on his needs or whatever and he only takes from whomever he is with... Jake says: at least this is what i have seen with you and jen and this one other girl he was with Jake says: i really dont think that your relationship was a very healthy...if someone is making you feel extremely good and then all of sudden makes you feel extremely depressed and degraded that is just way to much for one person to handle especially if your already stressed out about other things a heartbroken Kat says: and have clinical depression Jake says: plus you already have depression for whatever reason(sorry i dont know) to throw on top of it all Jake says: ya see a heartbroken Kat says: yeah a heartbroken Kat says: i love him so much, though Jake says: i just dont see how any one could want to stay in a situation like that even if it meant giving up something this big a heartbroken Kat says: i've never loved anyone like this before a heartbroken Kat says: he honestly does mean the world to me a heartbroken Kat says: i'm so lost without him a heartbroken Kat says: when he broke up with him, i shut down a heartbroken Kat says: i couldn't even sleep a heartbroken Kat says: i couldn't even drink water a heartbroken Kat says: i tried and i threw up a heartbroken Kat says: he's everything to me a heartbroken Kat says: i don't know what to do. and i have no idea what the heck is going on in his mind a heartbroken Kat says: {he misses you. his golfing buddy... everytime we drive past a golf course he mentions something along that lines} Jake says: well i think you should just move on bare the pain for a while and just move on Jake says: lol Jake says: hi my name is suzanne i am jacobs girlfriend and i know your story girl a heartbroken Kat says: hi a heartbroken Kat says: i've seen pictures of you a heartbroken Kat says: yer pretty... Jake says: i have read your journals and i feel so sympathetic for you, you are a wonderful person i can see that within your writings but i feel that this relationship is really hurting you more than it is helping you a heartbroken Kat says: i just love him so much Jake says: we have always learned that within life and love we must find a love within ourselves before we can love another person, which i know can sound like such bullshit Jake says: i know you love him i love jacob as well with all my heart but this year in a few months i graduate and i am going to find a way to say goodbye to him for awhile a year or so and come back to him and when i know he is a little older and he has experienced more of college i will come back if i am still in love with him and ask him if he wants me back Jake says: i am so sad about having to leave him but i know it is for the better because if i do not find out who i am as a person and him as well and also see things through my own eyes instead of through our eyes together i will not have reached my full potential as a person Jake says: love is strong, and it is nothing we should take lightly which i know you don't, but i feel from reading your journals that a lot of this love you two have together is not built upon complete trust, happiness and (love) Jake says: noah is a great guy kat but come on realize how he needs to grow himself on this Jake says: he is not ready to be completly in love with you no matter how hard he wants too, he is unstable emotionally and in other ways that you nor i can understand, i don't think he understands it at the moment. sorry am i going to fast for you? Jake says: ohhh tanx for saying im pretty a heartbroken Kat says: no a heartbroken Kat says: i'm just crying Jake says: i just really think issues need to be established on both sides before anything can completly become a stable relationship Jake says: so crying is a wonderful thing, but taking your own life is a differfent story, in class it was yesterday i can't remember the context but a movie i was watching or something it said "you have no right to take your own life" damnit there was more to it but i forgot it Jake says: girl there is so much out there, uhhhh so many people to love, even if you can't be stable with noah now, there could be a time in the near future when you will come across eachothers path again and realize you both are ready a heartbroken Kat says: i just want to be friends with him right now a heartbroken Kat says: i know he's not ready to love me completely a heartbroken Kat says: like really love me a heartbroken Kat says: that's why i broke up with him again after i finally got him back a heartbroken Kat says: i did it for him a heartbroken Kat says: and broke my own heart in doing so Jake says: i used to want to swallow pills but only right in front of my parents, i didn't wanna die die, i just wanted to let them know i was alive, when i turned 21 i was drugged with ghb and went into the hospital if i hadn't i could of died. did my parents care much that i was in the hospital no, the next day was as normal do this do that wake up do the dishes they didnt' give me a day of rest, Jake says: will he not be friends? Jake says: see girl this is where everyoone who dates noah goes wrong Jake says: YOU NEED TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF a heartbroken Kat says: he won't even takl to me Jake says: not noah a heartbroken Kat says: he won't even let me see him a heartbroken Kat says: and when HE broke up with ME he was talking to me and hugging me and calling me honey and sweetie and baby Jake says: he is only an intrical part of this relationship you are a part too, he needs to feel your needs, love you want to kiss you not give you excuses not ask for answers all the time over and over a heartbroken Kat says: and i broke up with him for him... now he won't even talk to me a heartbroken Kat says: so much anger a heartbroken Kat says: he's always got so much anger a heartbroken Kat says: i saw that and i knew it was gonna hurt me someday Jake says: that is not a loving relationship girl, i know noah through jen i saw jens relationship crumble, actually i never saw it flourishing, Jake says: see anger he brings you anger, not a good thing to hae in a friendship or relationship a heartbroken Kat says: he means the world to me {stubborn kitty} a heartbroken Kat says: really Jake says: see i don't know how to analyze noah and i wont really try im just saying he goes back and forth with issues, he is a wonderful guy i will admit great guy i actually wanna say hi to him and see him because its been awhile, BUT in a relationship he does not know how to handle himself a heartbroken Kat says: he's shown me a million things about myself and about life that i could not have discovered myself a heartbroken Kat says: he's helped me become someone that i like Jake says: well maybe that is so , i was saying that within the previous relationship it just was distant Jake says: has he also helped you find someone that you hate within you? or make you sad when you want to be happy a heartbroken Kat says: the latter a heartbroken Kat says: but not the former Jake says: its good to find someone that makes you happy but when they also create an anger within you that is not good, either anger or sadness should i say a heartbroken Kat says: he does help me realize what i hate about myself a heartbroken Kat says: but then i can become at peace with it a heartbroken Kat says: and it helps me a heartbroken Kat says: well i used to get angry a heartbroken Kat says: but i never expressed it a heartbroken Kat says: i've been able to express it now a heartbroken Kat says: i used to always say "i never get angry" Jake says: the sadness helps you? a heartbroken Kat says: when in truth i just bottled it up a heartbroken Kat says: oh no a heartbroken Kat says: not the sadness a heartbroken Kat says: not the pain a heartbroken Kat says: crying doesn't help me a heartbroken Kat says: when i'm sad, i'm blink a heartbroken Kat says: blind* a heartbroken Kat says: i can't see anything a heartbroken Kat says: i can barely function Jake says: OHHH you said something helps you i didn't know what helps you a heartbroken Kat says: i can't even fold clothes right a heartbroken Kat says: and i cry over the littlest thing a heartbroken Kat says: but then, i do have pictures of noah and stuff all over my room a heartbroken Kat says: so a heartbroken Kat says: yeah a heartbroken Kat says: that doesn't help either Jake says: i have a question for you, lets see, when you think about you and noahs relationship how does the good experiences rate over the sad ones? a heartbroken Kat says: i wish the sad ones never happen a heartbroken Kat says: but the good... a heartbroken Kat says: is amazing a heartbroken Kat says: in the past 3 months i've discovered true happiness a heartbroken Kat says: something i've never before experienced a heartbroken Kat says: good wins a heartbroken Kat says: hands down a heartbroken Kat says: at first i really didn't know a heartbroken Kat says: but jake mentioned that once Jake says: out of the seven days of the week how many of those are crying because noah didn't open his mouth to kiss you, or hold you, or need you? do they outweigh the good traits a heartbroken Kat says: and i thought about it a heartbroken Kat says: sometimes we go a whole week without getting into any type of argument a heartbroken Kat says: but he gets weird sometimes a heartbroken Kat says: and then that'll last 3-5 days a heartbroken Kat says: out of the week Jake says: see that is so not healthy Jake says: i have seen my friend dwindle from a great teenage girl, to a child that is helpless within herself for being in a relationship for 7 years that is not healthy Jake says: he does not abuse her but other things occur, things that remind me of noah a heartbroken Kat says: i just want to be friends with him right now a heartbroken Kat says: and then someday trick him into falling in love with me again a heartbroken Kat says: or something a heartbroken Kat says: heh Jake says: haha trick him a heartbroken Kat says: noah has a whole lot of potential a heartbroken Kat says: he is an amazing person a heartbroken Kat says: inside and out a heartbroken Kat says: and i love him for those reasons but i also love his faults a heartbroken Kat says: because they make him who he is Jake says: that isn't good, friends i think that would be good friends, but do you think you are capable of that now, being in such a deep love with a man that you can hold out and just sit there and talk? a heartbroken Kat says: it's been done before a heartbroken Kat says: richie lopez and andrew catalano a heartbroken Kat says: not so deep a love a heartbroken Kat says: but a love nontheless a heartbroken Kat says: noah is a bit different a heartbroken Kat says: and i'll prolly cry every night a heartbroken Kat says: but that's not the point Jake says: yes faults do make a person who they are but does it allow the individual to use those faults against others when it hurts them and just make it as his excuse that he just has a problem a heartbroken Kat says: i just want to be near him Jake says: i know you aren't gonna believe me but probably what you need is to get away from noah for awhile, i'm sure it would be hard, but use it as a reward Jake says: or you know what reward yourself on being his friend, make it a great thing to just talk to him if that is what he wants, a heartbroken Kat says: he won't talk to me remember Jake says: and be yourself girl, don't be inhibitid on saying anything or doing anything because you feel he will think negatively or not accept it a heartbroken Kat says: whenever i try to talk to him the only things he'll say is "No." "Leave me alone" or "Get out of my room" when it applies Jake says: girl really from the begining i wanted to tell you to stay away a heartbroken Kat says: he threatened to put a restraining order on me Jake says: i knew it would probably be a not so good ending a heartbroken Kat says: just cuz i want to talk to the one man i love more than life itself Jake says: does noah love you? Jake says: do you think he loves you? a heartbroken Kat says: i would like to not think of this as being an ending a heartbroken Kat says: i think he loves me a heartbroken Kat says: but i'm not too sure now a heartbroken Kat says: i keep telling myself that a heartbroken Kat says: and i get the courage to go try to talk to him a heartbroken Kat says: and he shoves mea way verbally a heartbroken Kat says: and i leave crying a heartbroken Kat says: but i keep doing it Jake says: it could be the ending of this chapter chapter 11 but see in chapter 15 you might cross paths again and hook up, just because it is an ending for today doesn't mean there wont be a sequal a heartbroken Kat says: telling myself that he loves me a heartbroken Kat says: lol a heartbroken Kat says: we're only on chapter 4 it hink Jake says: hahaha chapter 4 but i figured you were like 19 so youve lived awhile so chapter 11 Jake says: hahahahahahaha Jake says: but if you want chapter 4 a heartbroken Kat says: lol Jake says: hahahahahah lol a heartbroken Kat says: hey you got it about right, though a heartbroken Kat says: i'm 18 Jake says: you smell the roses right? you live for tomorrow, you know there is beauty out there a heartbroken Kat says: and i started writing at about age 8 or 9 a heartbroken Kat says: so it would be about ch 11 or 10 a heartbroken Kat says: and i live because i don't want to die a heartbroken Kat says: i know there is beauty everywhere a heartbroken Kat says: no one sees beauty like i do a heartbroken Kat says: i find beauty in everything Jake says: why should you prick yourself on a thorn when you can just lay in a bed of petals a heartbroken Kat says: and i live for the day that noah will want me back a heartbroken Kat says: cuz i'm not as pretty as that chick from american beauty a heartbroken Kat says: no rose petals for me a heartbroken Kat says: i tromp around through the thorny thickets a heartbroken Kat says: hoping that one day someone will pick me up a heartbroken Kat says: and i'll be high enough to see the roses on top Jake says: the body from that movie was a stunt double Jake says: she wasnt that good a heartbroken Kat says: LOL a heartbroken Kat says: i didn't know that Jake says: yup Jake says: she just a dirty whore Jake says: hahahahha a heartbroken Kat says: HAHAHAHHAHA a heartbroken Kat says: that's horrible Jake says: sorry i just talk like that in real life i had to say it Jake says: everyone is a whore or a slut Jake says: even me Jake says: hahahahahahahaha a heartbroken Kat says: lol Jake says: ok not for real though a heartbroken Kat says: what about Noah? a heartbroken Kat says: heh Jake says: hes a tramp a heartbroken Kat says: is anyone a whorey slut? a heartbroken Kat says: or is no one that bad a heartbroken Kat says: or a slutty whore a heartbroken Kat says: no a heartbroken Kat says: noah's an armadillo Jake says: hahahaha a heartbroken Kat says: have you ever seen that diz cartoon movie "road to el dorado"? Jake says: whorey slut hmmmmmm my friend anne is Jake says: hahaha Jake says: nope not seen it a heartbroken Kat says: there's a little armadillo that pokes around. that's noah a heartbroken Kat says: lol a heartbroken Kat says: poor anne Jake says: nah shes kewl Jake says: hahaha a heartbroken Kat says: so she's a cool whorey slut a heartbroken Kat says: nice a heartbroken Kat says: how special a heartbroken Kat says: i'm just a ho Jake says: do you excercise? a heartbroken Kat says: since my name happens to be Kaitlyn Ho a heartbroken Kat says: nuh uh a heartbroken Kat says: i'm not supposed to excersize at all a heartbroken Kat says: severe heart murmer a heartbroken Kat says: murmur a heartbroken Kat says: got a nice lil hole in my heart a heartbroken Kat says: and i can't excersize too much or it'll rip a heartbroken Kat says: lol a heartbroken Kat says: and then i'll really have a broken heart... a heartbroken Kat says: which explains my protruding tummy a heartbroken Kat says: which is yucky Jake says: ahhh girl either do i and we need it, we need to go out there and run, when your sad run, i get really pissed off last year anyway and fucking started cutting myself see im a hitter i hit myself like 88 times in 2 minutes its easy, well then walk, you don't have to fuckin play soccer already a heartbroken Kat says: lol a heartbroken Kat says: i hit myself a heartbroken Kat says: cut myself a heartbroken Kat says: slam myself into things a heartbroken Kat says: kick solid objects Jake says: yea my mom throws things a heartbroken Kat says: my mom threw a cat at me once Jake says: she broke our brand new kitchen tile, record player, a heartbroken Kat says: all spit and claws a heartbroken Kat says: that was not fun Jake says: damn a cat Jake says: thats mean for kitty a heartbroken Kat says: i know! a heartbroken Kat says: it was just a little kitten! a heartbroken Kat says: with pointy lil claws of course a heartbroken Kat says: poor thing a heartbroken Kat says: it was traumatized a heartbroken Kat says: still won't let people hold it Jake says: she threatened to burn down my house, hit my dad with a bowling pin, and smash up my fathers corvette if he went on vacation for the weekend with his brother Jake says: and guess what a heartbroken Kat says: what Jake says: she has been this way for years and years, and i just learned its the way her mother acted and the guess what part is she doesn't think she has a problem Jake says: uhhh i have been telling her she wont listen a heartbroken Kat says: my mother was like that a heartbroken Kat says: and then i got a social worker into the picture Jake says: ahhhhh a heartbroken Kat says: and now she's on 7 different types of medication a heartbroken Kat says: heh a heartbroken Kat says: and she doesn't throw cats anymore a heartbroken Kat says: or beats childrem a heartbroken Kat says: not like she ever did anything to my sister anyway a heartbroken Kat says: just me a heartbroken Kat says: ... a heartbroken Kat says: ugh a heartbroken Kat says: jake was asking where my depression came from. it's hereditary and triggered by my psycho sadistic parents Jake says: my parents finally are going to counseling the only reason is my sister has a daughter now, and they were supposed to baby sit for two weeks, my sister moved out at 18 couldn't stand my mom so left, well she told my parents she either goes to counseling or never sees their grandaughter again they went Jake says: i don't know if they still go Jake says: yea my mom is manic depressive and my sister is too a heartbroken Kat says: my mom is too! and she still doesn't admit it a heartbroken Kat says: even on a million medications Jake says: ok me and jake are going to go to costco but girl you know your pretty, and you know your wonderful, and stay friends with those that make you happy, love can blind you into thinking it is great, remember the good times and remember tomorrow is another day that could be wonderful if you only let it, stay alive, and don't try to find god early cause fuck what if there isn't one and this is your Jake says: last chance to make that great impression...... a heartbroken Kat says: you know what? even with all your adivice and jakes and all my other friends... and my own... all i want to do is be in noahs arms right now. i'm pathetic a heartbroken Kat says: it's all so logical a heartbroken Kat says: and yet a heartbroken Kat says: he's still everything to me Jake says: i know i know, but try to listen a heartbroken Kat says: my mind has changed but not my heart Jake says: your friends are telling you something that love can't, a heartbroken Kat says: that noah sucks? a heartbroken Kat says: jk Jake says: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS Jake says: im not kidding a heartbroken Kat says: LOL a heartbroken Kat says: that's horrible Jake says: no no wait i will say not fully that noah sux a heartbroken Kat says: =P Jake says: but your relationship together does a heartbroken Kat says: oh a heartbroken Kat says: so he only semi sucks a heartbroken Kat says: and i semi suck a heartbroken Kat says: and together a heartbroken Kat says: we just really suck a heartbroken Kat says: ? Jake says: you can't cooperate together as a couple a heartbroken Kat says: we can a heartbroken Kat says: and we have a heartbroken Kat says: just not for long periods of time a heartbroken Kat says: and especially without Prozac in the picture a heartbroken Kat says: it's like a threesome almost a heartbroken Kat says: me a heartbroken Kat says: noah a heartbroken Kat says: prozac Jake says: you all have major issues and im glad your taking drugs and counseling work with that and don't forget about noah, just remember how much he helped you use that and find peace in the future with yourself a heartbroken Kat says: mhmm a heartbroken Kat says: now to buy stuff in bulk Jake says: ok ok i gotta go be good, don't try to fly because only birds can............. a heartbroken Kat says: imma learn to fly some day Jake says: your friends love you and that is all that matters, and no matter how hard you can believe it your family does toooooo. late a heartbroken Kat says: so i can finally catch those birds i go after a heartbroken Kat says: bye a heartbroken Kat says: thanks Jake says: your welcome,,,,,,,, Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .