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He's gone.
April 14, 2003 ~ 1:43 AM
Noah's gone. He's moved his stuff out of his room. He's gone. I don't get it. I'm moving. Why is he moving, too. I miss him so much. I still feel totally sick to my stomach. Seeing his side of the room empty. Why is he doing this? He must know that it kills me. He's the one who wouldn't let me kill myself. Why is he trying to kill me... crush my hope and my spirit. I'm not even living. I'm only existing. I've lost all feeling. I'll laugh at funny things. But I don't think it funny. What the fuck am I going to do. I feel as if I'll never see him again. My note that I wrote him, the one that sez "Guess what? Kat loves Noah" on it is still on his wall. He took everything else. I'm sure he still has my yellow hightlighter. And my Linkin Park CD. He took all the stuff off his wall except for his note that I wrote him and our little check list of the dishes and stuff we got for him from the Dining Commons. I'm so exhausted... it's more exhausting not to cry than to just cry. But I'm not crying anymore. Guy Tabibian is lucky that the only emotion I feel is pain, and I can't possibly hurt anymore than I already do.
NiquezVous (12:26:25 AM): hey you need to lay off of the guy
NiquezVous (12:27:16 AM): i dont bullshit, so im going to tell you straight up, this- what your doing online isnt health and its sick. sick. i dont care too much for noah or you but dont fuck with him.
NiquezVous (12:27:38 AM): get someone else to fuck with
NiquezVous signed off at 12:27:57 AM.
Yeah... I'm sorry, my heart is broken. I'm not fucking with anyone, I'm trying to get the love of my life BACK INTO MY LIFE. I'm proud of myself cuz I only cried once today. And not for long. In the dining hall. Where Noah broke up with me. Where I always went with Noah. I wonder what he would do if I died right now. Just of heartache. Well, he wouldn't do anything, but I wonder what he would feel. Would he feel as much pain as I'm feeling now? Will he finally understand what I'm going through? What he's doing to me? I almost want to die just to spite him. He's killing me. He's already killed me. If I were to die right now I wonder if he'd admit that he's in love with me still? I wonder. My damned curiosity. I almost want to die just to find out. Lol. Not funny, I know... I almost cried. Don't worry, I won't die just because of the fact that NOah might hurt. I wouldn't wish this pain and devastation on George W Bush. Not on anyone. Especially not Noah. I love him too much to want him to hurt. But I hurt to much to let him be. I feel like he's dead. I wonder if I'm dead to him... If I were to die he prolly wouldn't even know about it. He doesn't have the time to read the papers. Ha. Hmmm... {wheels turning in my head} Wow, I haven't been this serious about dying in a while, now. Of course, I can't really die of a broken heart but still... No... I just think that I don't care about anything anymore... a lack of emotion can do that to a person. I can't even tell Sexy Andrew that I love him anymore... cuz I don't anymore. I feel like I love nothing. The only feeling is pain. And death. Despair, agony, devastation. When I saw his room empty... {I was returning Steve's light to him} I almost threw up... it's like he died. That's my job. I almost cried when I saw that, too. But I didn't let myself. I need to live. And be strong. Even though I am an empty shell and I'm completely dead inside. This isn't even worth it. I'm simply existing, I'm not LIVING. He should have just let me die.
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