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calm after the storm
April 13, 2003 ~ 4:15 PM
The glory of love is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it's the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when she discovers that someone else believes in her and is willing to trust her with his love. I need Noah back. I need my inspiration. He's the meaning in my life; he's my inspiration. My screen saver makes me cry. All it says is "I want him to be happy." But I'm lying. I want him to be happy with me. I'm gonna go to Sexy Andrew's to play Civ 3 in a little. I find that watching movies and playing Civ are the only things that can keep me from thinking of Noah. As long as I'm not Persia. Actually, I usually choose Persia to fight agains. Lol. Yeah... I'm talking to my dad right now. It's amazing how helpful he is. And how understanding he is. He telling me how I just need to keep on loving Noah. Just keep on loving him with all my heart and soul. But still live life. Still live life to the fullest. Show everone how smart and pretty and bright and healthy and mature I am. And he told me, Noah really loves me, he could tell. That there are not many ppl who can love someone who has depression, {my mommy has depression} but Noah, for some reason, obviously can't. He told me to forgive Noah for all this pain and just love him. And maybe be back together someday because there is so much love between us. And he explained that I've never had a boy love me cuz it's so hard to love someone with depression, even if they don't experience my depression. Noah has. And he can. He tells me not to cry, cuz Noah does not deserve tears. I should give him love. Not cry, and just perservere. And pursue Noah another time when I'm no longer like a little girl {even though I'll always be his-my dad's- little girl} and I must forgive him no matter what. He scolded me for getting kicked out of housing but he's not making me go back home. He also says that maybe both me and Noah still have a whole lot of growing up to do. And as we mature, we'll become complete and seperate people. If someday we get back together it will be ten times better than before. Daddy also warned out Noah falling in love with someone else or falling back in love with his other ex. But I don't think so. I think that the only person he's gonna be falling in love with is Kaitlyn Tammy Ho. My dad said that after some time apart, Noah will start remembering why he fell in love with me and all the good memories and he'll start to miss me. And he'll come back to me. I think we could go to couple therapy, too to make our relationship perfect right starting from the beginning. I guess deep down inside despite all the progress, I'll still always listen to my parents. So I'm gonna leave Noah alone {even though I'll hurt and love him more each day}, and I'm gonna get my education and get on with my life {with Noah still in my heart cuz daddy said I can} and I won't cry cuz daddy told me not to and I'll wait until Noah contacts me. And we are gonna be so happy together. I can't wait. I was talking to Andrew today. Telling him about how Noah's gonna come back to me soon. And I told him that I know I'm deluding myself but I'd much rather have all these wonderful memories and know "I'm gonna have more of these awesome times with him" and smiling. As opposed to thinking "I'm never gonna do things like this with him ever again" and break down crying and throwing up and feeling sick to my stomach; all three of which would love to attack me right now. It's true though, if I keep telling myself I need to get over him I never will. So I hafta tell myself that me and him are gonna be together again. We have to. There isn't enough love like ours in the world. And plus... Who else would be able to appreciate my running p-orbitals and s-orbitals in his room?
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....