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you stinky!
April 14, 2003 ~ 8:40 AM
I didn't dream. Too exhausted to? I'm hiding from my dreams now. Since I wake up crying from them. No crying, right? Gotta be strong. For Noah. He wouldn't want me to be crying all the time. He wouldn't want me throwing up either but that's something that I can't control. I always have the sick feeling in my stomach. Part of the emptiness I presume? I wonder where he is... We are so much in love. I wonder if he could possibly be happy. I don't think I'll ever be truly happy again. I do hope that he is, though. I wish my love his happiness. And each day I pine for him. I wake up wondering where he is. I wonder what he is doing. Every second of every day I will have him on my mind... except for when I play Civ and when I watch a movie... but even that barely works anymore. He'll always be on my mind. And everytime I want to break down and cry... I'll remember Noah comforting me, holding me tight to his heart and gently wiping my tears from my cheeks. So much love. Oh my god there was so much love. Amazing to effects of that boy on me when he smiled. Almost therapeutical. Anyway, perfect. My wonderful Noah. My everything. How can anyone expect me to live life for me when all my being is yearning for Noah's return into my life. There is no possible way I can ever live life completely for me now. Everything that I do, I'll do it and wonder "will this get Noah to take me back?" or "I wonder if Noah would have been proud of me for doing this?". No. Never again will I do a single thing for myself. Even when I eat, I do it for him. "Noah would want me to eat." I'm never hungry anymore. And I always have that sick feeling in my stomach. I'm saving the receipt that I got from the last time me and Noah went to Longs to get my Prozac. I lost him while we were waiting for them to fill my prescription and I got all worried. Turned out he was in the bathroom taking a huge crap! I'm gonna go brush my teeth, now. {I remember when me and Noah would wake up in my bed, neither of us ever wanted to leave. We always had such horrible morning breath but we loved each other anyway and we kissed each other anyway and cuddled. I love him so much. He used to grin and say "You stinky." Even when his own breath smelled ten times worse. Lol.} Gotta go to the library to meet my Writing 1 class. I remember the first time I went in there with him.. we were supposed to be studying for finals. He fell fast asleep. He was so freaking adorable asleep in his little boat that he makes with the chairs. He did that with the chairs in the lounges, too and everytime I see one I think of him. He was so sweet sleeping. And drooling. I spent a fourth of my time just watching him and wanting to pet him. I didn't wanna disturb him, though. He was really exhausted. So cute. My sweetheart. He'll always be mine. My love. He said that he would always be mine.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....