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He loves me; he loves me not.
April 15, 2004 ~ 11:21 PM
I was so happy. And then Matt goes and does things that make me cry. Kasey randomly called me last night and he asked me what's up. I talked about my move and the usual and then eventually told him about how I don't wear my cat ears and don't hang out with guy friends. He was very upset. He's right. I'm not even me anymore. I'm someone else. Kat wear cat ears and doesn't care what anyone thinks of them. Me, I would do anything for Matt. And I told Kasey this. I told Kasey that Matt would do that same for me. I asked Matt to make a subprofile. Cuz I thought it would be neat and I wanted him on my sub-friends. And he agreed to do it saying "cuz I love you". So for some weird reason it doesn't work. So I'M making it for him. All I wanted was for him to tell me what to write in some parts. I wanted his input. I wanted him to tell me if he liked what I did. I asked him not to half-ass this. And he goes into how he half-asses everything. As if that was supposed to make me feel better? I know he half-asses everything! I want him to stop! I want him to care. I mean, at least for ME if not for himself. It makes me so angry cuz it hurts me so much that he's so closed-minded and unmotivated. I was so sad for him that I nearly cried from frustration so I put up an away message saying "frustrated". So he LEAVES. I mean, usually when I'm busy doing something he'll keep IMing me or text messaging my phone to tell me to "come back" to him. But when I'm upset, he just doesn't give a shit. He just leaves. Ugh. It bothers me that he doesn't care about anything, but when he doesn't care about me it hurts! So I text him with
"why are you such a jerk sometimes? i mean, you apologize when yer being sweet and you just go and do it again. i almost CRIED. do you think i don't have enough reasons to cry or something? you have to give me MORE reasons?"
So he calls me. And all the while he is barely paying attention and not saying anything cuz he's watching TV. {I can hear it in the background plus once in a while he CHUCKLES} OMG. Why is it so hard for me to make my fiance CARE for me. He claims he loves me... But I shouldn't HAVE TO MAKE HIM CARE. I should be special to him. But I'm really not. I'm just another victim of his apathetic immaturity.
And here I am- I still won't hang out with my guy friends, I still don't call my guy friends, I still don't wear my cat ears, I still don't wear short skirts, I still won't smoke weed without him, and I still won't get drunk without him. As I willing abide to all his little "rules", he's half-assing this relationship. And as I cry I realize I only do so cuz I love him so damned much. And even if he doesn't change I'll still want to spend the rest of my life with him as his wife and lover. His kitty. I'm so in love with him.
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....