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i'm psycho
April 23, 2003 ~ 3:46 PM
i just am. i want noah back so bad that i really can't think of anything else. it consumes me. how does he expect me to live a normal life when he's taken from me that thing that made my life worth living? which is love? i still can't believe i saw a cat and i didn't even care. talk about mind-bogglage. i won't live to see my 19th birthday. i'll never hit legal drinking age. he should have just let me kill myself. why does he want me to suffer? i really don't get it. i just don't. i'm gonna just break some day. torture usually makes the strongest of people break down. i'm gonna break down some day. i know how i'm going to die. i'm gonna ask him to meet me on west cliff. i'm gonna ask him one last time if he'll ever take me back. if it's no i'll just say okay. i can't spend my whole life waiting for him. and i can't live my whole life without love. yes, i gave that much to him, my whole heart. and if it doesn't mean jack shit to him then nothing means anything. if love doens't matter then nothing does. this whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. and i don't want to be around to see it. off i go. sleep with the fishes. after a last desperate attempt to make life worth living. if he brings cops, i'll jump without asking. if he brings anyone i'll jump without asking. cuz the answer would obviously be no. poor guy. he's got my life in his hands. it's such a huge burden on him. he should have just taken me back. given me another chance. i'll never get to go to warped tour. oh well. he won't be able to sleep at night. i'll haunt him in his dreams. "you killed me. i loved you and you killed me" funny. how gothic. i should write a story about that. everyone tells me that he's not worth it. he's such a dick. i don't know why i think he's worth it. he's worth my heart. i'm psycho. i know it. but i'd be perfectly sane if i had my heart. if i had my noah again. my life would be so perfect if i could love again. if i could believe in love again. if this scares him off even more, if this pushes him away even more, who cares. he drove me insane. all in his hands. tired of playing his game. tired of dying slowly inside. tired of crying over him. tired of dreaming of him. tired of hating everything, being jealous of everyone, being angry at everything and everyone. the lack of love has left only the worst. i didn't even know i had it in me. this... meaness. i want noah to watch me die knowing that he killed me. because he is indeed killing me. life is precious. such bullshit. life is meaningless. there is no point. i have no love. if i saw a raccoon get run over i wouldn't give it a second thought. well, maybe "gross" but no more than that. my friends love me. they care about me. my parents love me. they care about me. i hate myself. i lost noah. i hate myself. i deserve to die. that's why noah's doing this to me. killing me slowly. cuz he knew that i'm love. love is what made me. he knew that taking love away would leave me empty. he knew that it would be far more painful for me. he wouldn't let me kill myself because he wanted to break my heart first. to torture me and kill me slowly and painfully and gradually. i talked to my psychiatrist today. i told her i wouldn't try to kill myself. i promised her. i didn't promise not to plot and plan. so quickly does my mind formulate the process of my own death. i won't try to kill myself. noah will kill me. later if not sooner. oh melodrama, without love you are my only logic. without noah, my only choice is death. to live a life unloving or to die loved. the former is worse than death i have no choice. i'm crazy. lol. commit me. commit suicide. it's not suicide if noah kills me. "What the fuck, Kat. Are you insane?" Yes. In the past week I've become completely insane. i'll never love again. i don't know how. plus i'm dying real soon. it's very sad how deep down in my heart i know he won't take me back. and i am pushing him away even more by wanting him. my mentality: die trying. i refuse to live my life without love. the fact that i don't believe in love anymore scares me. the fact that i don't feel it anymore terrifies me. the fact that noah doesn't care and is prolly eating compulsively right now, that kills me. he's not gonna take me back. i just want him to know he killed me. i can run to west cliff from here. i'll be so tired that i can't even try to swim. dead dead dead. noah is trying to pretend i'm dead to him. not talking to me, not seeing me, pretending i don't exist. i feel like i don't exist. i hope he knows that i still love him. even though i don't love anything. i know i love him because he's my only hope. the only thing that can make me believe in love again. the only thing that can bring me back to sanity. fuck school. fuck love. fuck noah. fuck me. the ocean is so beautiful. i'm in so much pain. i can't wait to die. he prolly doesn't read my diary. if he does he'll send them after me. the people. the cops. the mental ward. lol. i don't need them. i just need noah. i'll be dead before they can find me. he doesn't know where i am. none of them do. i don't even know where i am. this is between me and him. if he brings anyone into it i'll just die. i won't even wait for him to come around. i'll just kill myself. i've already given life a chance. i tried so hard to make it work. the birds chirping, they annoy the shit out of me. i wish i had something to shoot them with. drained. i'm drained of anything that has to do with love. that's killing me. that's what i mean. he's killed me. he's forced me to lose my faith in love. bang bang. i'll shoot myself after i shoot the birds. no... ocean. giving him time... a little more time. as long as i can take it. i don't know how much longer i can stand this pain and emptiness. i don't know how much longer i can keep up the act. i don't know how much longer i can live without my lover. but when i break, when i can't anymore, i'll hafta call him. call him and tell him to come to west cliff to "talk". kiss him goodbye. hug him goodbye. when he says no. i'll just say okay. and i'll fly. if i don't die on impact or from the shock of cold water i'll drown. he won't come after me. if he gave a shit he'd come back to me now. he'll watch me disappear before his eyes like what he did to me. and he'll live. he'll live with the fact that i died because of him. sounds like a good story. i wish i had time to write. lol. i don't even have time to die right now let alone write. lol. yeah... noah come back to me dammit. this SUCKS!
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