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i miss noah
April 23, 2003 ~ 2:27 AM
eric and chelsea are fucking in the shower again. i remember the first time me and noah made love in the shower at college ten. it was amazing. noah is amazing. and i've decided that i'm still waiting for him. i have no choice. if i he doesn't come back to me that means my reason for everything is naught. it would mean that true love does not exist. me and noah were meant to be together. i knew that after the first time he kissed me. that single sweet chaste kiss to keep me from taking Aderol. i still won't take aderol. i should, though. it would be so good for me right now. i don't know why i won't. he prolly shaved his head. i was thinking about that. i still love him. i feel as if i haven't cried for so long. why am i crying now? why are there tears in my eyes? i thought i'd run out of tears for noah. i still had that picture of me and him in my purse. i saw it today. we were so happy. we are so in love. we can be happy again. i just know it. i can't stop believing in love. i can't stop believing in noah. he'll come back to me. true love doesn't die. it can't. it just can't. anything else would mean that i am nothing. i am dead. gosh so empty. i saw a cat and i didn't even care. deer. butterflies. i can't not believe i love. i have to force myself to believe that noah's coming back. anything else would be the death of me. noah dekkers means the world to me. love means the world to me. i just have to hold my breath and know in my heart that he'll come around. too bad he has my heart. i don't know jack shit. i wonder what's going on in his head right now. i hope he regrets what he's doing to me. i hope he knows that what he's doing to me is the worst thing he could ever do to me. and the best thing for me is to be with him again. he may not believe it, but he means the world to me. and he will forever. he doesn't want me to say never. he did. he said that we'll never get back together again. so i can say that i'll never get over him. i'll never stop loving him. i'll never stop believing in the thing that made me who i am. i'll never stop believing in him because i will never stop believing in love. i've lost faith in... everything. even if noah took me back right now i would no longer be able to trust. not immediately anyway. maybe that will be good for me. not trust him. i've already given him all of me. there's nothing left to take. there's nothing left for me to give. i think he could be at the UCSC Inn. it's possible. or he could be back at college ten. i wonder if he gives a shit. if he still loves me. if he knows how badly i hurt. and how he's killing me inside each day he makes me wait for him. doesn't he love me? {crying like a baby}
I tried. Okay? I did. I tried my best. I pretended that everything was okay. That I didn't need him. That I didn't want him. I even convinced myself that he's not worth it. Not worth the pain and the effort and the longing and the love that I was putting into him. But it's not true. What I wouldn't do for anyone to feel this way about me. Really mean the world to someone. Be someone that matters. Be someone's everything. What I wouldn't give to get that boy back. He's my heart. He's my reason. He is to me what Laura was to him. He doesn't even care. He's prolly just sleeping right now. Drooling a little on his pillow. Maybe studying a little for his midterm. How can he not care? How can it not matter to him that the person who loves him more than anything or anyone ever can is dying inside. Is falling apart. No longer wants to live. No longer can love. No longer can receive a hug from a friend and feel comfort. I'm writing my essay and it's making me feel sick. I'm dying inside. My heart is breaking and I'm writing an essay about Duvalier's reign in Haiti. What the FUCK?!? I just want to be with him again. I want him to know how much I love him and now much I need him. He's everything to me. He's my world. He's my heart. Without love I have nothing. I have no world, no drive, no joy, nothing. I'm so lost. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can't even write a freaking paper. Distractions. Watching Matt play the squirrel game. Watching a movie. Playing Civilization. They just make me feel sick now. The numbness went away and now there's just a whole lot of pain. I'm dying inside and I'm watching someone play a video game. If I really gave up right now, I'd kill myself. Yes, he means that much to me. He gave me a reason to live. I never had a reason before. All I had was a hope for someday finding a reason. I finally found it. And now it's gone. If I didn't think I'd get back together with him I'd kill myself. I seriously want to die. I'm already dead inside. I no longer have any passion. And I can only feign so much joy. I can only pretend so much. I can't live my whole life like a fucking lie. I'm dying inside and I'm trying to live a normal life. It's not gonna work like that. It can't. I tried okay? I fucking tried. I tried so hard. And inside I'm dead. None of it means anything to me. If you offered me Australia I would turn it down right now if it meant that I could get Noah back. I was up on campus today. There was a reason why I didn't go see Andrew. I didn't want to. There's a first for everything, right? The only person I want to see is Noah. THe only person I want to be with is Noah. The only person I wanna hold is Noah. The only person I wanna make love to is Noah. The only person that means anything to me is Noah. And I hate it. I hate that I don't have him. I hate that I don't know where he is. I hate that he hates me so much. My worst enemy could do no worse than what Noah is doing to me now. My parents could never hurt me as much as Noah is. I don't know what I did to make him hate me so much. And he says that he loves me. That's bullshit. If he did he's stop killing me. If he really loved me he's be with me right now. Or asleep in my bed while I do something. If he really loved me he'd know how much he is to me and that I'm nothing without him. I'm nothing without love. I'm nothing without my heart. Those are the things that have defined me all my life. The only thing I liked about myself was my love and my ability to love and my boundless love and hope. Noah doesn't love me. He knows how, he just won't. I can't live like this. I want to die so bad. I do have depression. But this isn't the depression talking. I'm on 32 mg of Prozac. I'm sure that's enough. This is me, heartbroken, lost, empty. I tried to be brave. I tried to move on. I tried to live and just be. But I can't. I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am. I'm a stranger to myself. My love for him is endless. The ocean will dry up before I stop loving him. I can't do it anymore. I just can't be brave anymore. I can't hold back the tears. I can't tamp down the pain. I can't hold my heart and soul together as it falls to pieces. i've never felt this kind of pain before. Not when my mom told me she wished I was never born. Not when my parents told me that I won't ever do anything right. Not when Pam stopped being my friend because she thought Snow had a crush on me. Not when Sara stopped talking to me because I started to voice opinions. There isn't anything that can bring me back together but myself. But you see, I can't do that because I am not myself. I do not have my heart. And that is what made me me.
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