Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
ARG!!!
May 09, 2003 ~ 3:30 PM
I dunno what to do! Jeez. I'm so confused. I like Ben way too much. I can't do that though! Cuz I'll just get hurt again. That is the last thing I need right now. But it's so fucked up if Nik wins. Not like I'm much of a prize. But Nik actually wants me around. And he wants to have a whole lotta sex. And that's all. No anything else. Just fuck buddies. Buddies that fuck. With Ben... it's so different cuz I actually like the kid. See, Nik is loud and obnoxious and annoying and immature. A lot of the time anyway. He's not someone that I could ever actually... fall for I guess. And Ben is. He's so fucking awesome. But then I hurt Ben. To have sex with Nik. Cuz it's safer. I won't get hurt. There's no way I'll get attached to Nik. There's no way that he'll ever become someone who could hurt me because he's just someone to have sex with. He's fine with that. But Ben is wonderful. And that's so fucked up if I end up with Nik and not Ben cuz Ben is the one who actually will mean something to me. I mean, I like Nik... as a friend. He's chill. If I hated him I wouldn't have sex with him no matter how hot he is. And he's not even that hot, you know? I just like his hair. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IM GONNA DO!!! I can't believe I did that to Ben. Nik decided that there's no way that we could tell Ben about what happened last night... but I think it's even more fucked up. But I sorta do need to respect Nik's making that decision cuz he has to live with Ben. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause trouble within their household. You know? But I don't wanna lie to Ben. I told Nik while we were just talking that I wanted to fuck him but I didn't want to hurt Ben at all. That was my way of telling Nik "no". I guess the implication was lost on his drunk ass cuz he kissed me anyway. I kept on wanting to go to bed but Nik didn't want me to leave. And so my submissive ass stayed. And now I feel like such a fucking bitch for doing somethign like this to someone that I care about. I mean, Ben's not my boyfriend... but if I'm gonna feel like that's cheating on him then he must mean way more to me than what I woulda thought. Goddamn these guys that get to me. The ones with the good auras. I guess I could let him make the decision. Just tell him everything that went down even though he prolly knows already and see if he still wants me. If he still wants me though... I think I'll take a leap of faith and just date him solely. Much to Nik's dismay, I'm sure. Lol. I just really like Ben. Where went my no dating people under the age of 22 rule? Lol. Wait, Ben was the exception that I'd made already. Duh. I'd rather be with Ben than be Nik's fuck buddy... even though Nik is better in bed. God damn. I can't believe he made me cum. No one does that. Lol. Well, some people have but they had to work on it. Nik was just fingering me. Maybe he's just good at that. He won't be able to make me cum having sex, though. Ben's more likely to do that.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....