Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry
I just don't understand!!! Ugh!!!
May 11, 2003 ~ 5:26 AM
I don't understand why I'm so fuckin torn up about Ben. He's totally pissed at me, etc. Understandable. No second chance, though. That's understandable. What I don't understand is why I want a second chance!!! ARG!!! Why do I like him so much? He keeps on telling me to get over it. God dammit. I don't understand why I haven't. I'm all fucking hung up over him. He hates me. I get why. I'd be really hurt if yeah. I don't even wanna type it up again. Bottom line I'm a fucking bitch. Even Andrew thinks that I should just kill myself. I hate myself. What I do to people. What I do to things. What I do to myself. I'm a fucking emotional masochist along with being just masochistic on the physical level like normal people. Ben is so awesome so I go and I fuck it up. And it just hurts me more in the end. That's why I do it, right? I feed on the pain. Pain is what I've known all my life. I'm just not cut out for happiness. Anytime I have anything that's good I fucking rip it apart or taint it or shove it away. Like I'm afraid of it. Like I'm afraid of happiness. But this is what I wanted, right? I musta subconsciously did it on purpose. I didn't want to the whole time. I mean, I wanted to have sex... but of all people. Ben's fucking annoying house-mate. Stupid Nik. Guy's hot but he's got the mentality of a 16 year old. I fucking love that hair though. And his smile. I like Ben's smile more. God dammit I miss Noah. Which does not have anything to do with this. Stupid fuck ass Noah. I made myself love him. I made myself fall in love with him. I forced myself to trust him. I only fucked with Noah cuz he thought I was trying to fuck with him when I wasn't. {Why do I do shit like that? My parents always accused me of being a bad kid so I did the whole get drunk, fuck around, get stoned, get fried, etc thing. They told me that I'm a liar so I start lying to them second nature. They told me that I'm a bad person, so I start shoplifting. In high school they told me that I was a slut. So, subsequently devirginized, I became a slut. Lived up to my lovely last name. Family tells me that I don't ever try. I stop trying. I think it's a complex or something...} I mean, I wasn't even attracted to Noah. I mean, his aura was intense... very subtely unique under it's generic-like exterior. I was minorly attracted to that... but physically it was too much of a turn off. Then he told me that he's in love with me. And something in my head clicked... and my heart got this hare-brained idea that I could be happy. Last things first, though. I was honestly truly, insanely, deeply in love with the boy. If there is such a thing as true love, that was it. No matter how it came about. I don't understand how I'm typing so well... it's almost 6 AM. Reminds me of my methamphetamine days. Which reminds me of my first kiss. Josh Cook... I wish I woulda let him fuck me. He had plenty of chances to date rape me. And he didn't. No matter how horny or stoned or drunk or fucked up on anything else... I would have rather lost my virginity to him. I wish I hadn't had my heart when Emilio fucked me. I wish I had the same frame of mind that I have now back then. Cuz that stupid kid would have spent the past year in jail. It's been a year. Shit. That's insane. So much happened in a year. I stopped being me, for one. I lost my heart. I realized what love is. Then experienced it. Then learned it's not for real or forever. Silly illusions. I wanted so bad to be in love that I fell in love with the first guy who said he's in love with me. Well, the first guy that I thought was genuine. I don't know what would have happened with Ben. I liked him a lot. The same way that I like Charlie. You know? Just that affection. Drama. Fucking drama. I just don't want to deal with all this fucking shit right now. I hurt myself. I used Ben to hurt myself. That is SO FUCKED UP.
So Abel calls me tonight. I don't understand why I still get that butterfly feeling in my stomach whenever I realize it's him. And when I was near him. Fatal attraction. That chemistry was insane. Something I started feeling with Noah after I realized he loved me. That giddy feeling. Makes a girl wanna run P-orbitals, yo. I don't understand why I can feel like that about someone I haven't seen for 5 months. And the last time I saw him turned out to be a huge debacle that shook me to the core and lost Abel my respect. He asked me tonight why I went to visit him. He told me that I knew exactly what was going to happen. {his mother loves me by the way... lol. i don't get it...} I told him that I was hoping it wouldn't. That me and him could just be friends. He's good people, you know? He just doens't get the chance to be it cuz of his environment. In middle of one of my sentences he interjected "Come over". It was our little thing when we were dating. We'd talk from 10 til daylight and throughout we'd both ask the other to come over. Which would not happen since Sunshine would freak and my parents were hiding the keys. Lol. It's cheating, you know? Falling in love with someone you already love. I loved Abel because he was the singer in a band. And he had the bad boy punker thing going on but I saw that aura. His aura, man. Abel Luque. I loved his lyrics and his stage presence. I love Noah because Noah is my heart. I'm terrified of loving again. Hence my jeopardizing my and Ben's short-lived relationship. I like him so much. Why did I sleep with Nik. Cuz he has nice hair. Cuz he wasn't Ben. Cuz I actually complied with Ben's subtle request to not date other people. That left me with just Ben and no other... partners. I mean, I wanted a fuck buddy. You know me.. I get horny. A lot. But what I found was potential boyfriend material. Scared the shit out of me. I enjoy doing things I know I'll regret. I mean. I shoved Nik away at least 4 times, squirmed out of his embrace twice, snatched my hand away when he tried to put it *somewhere*, and pulled back at least 6 times when he tried to pull my face towards his. Ridiculous, I thought, how much trouble I'm going through to stay true to Ben who doesn't even want me around and doesn't have sex with me enough. Eh... I'm so fucked up. Have I mentioned yet how much I hate myself? And so after I called Ben while drunk as fuck last night and he politely told me in so many words to fuck off, I decided to drown my woes in hormones. I got to kiss Sean. The one who hates me. Lol. He's actually a pretty good kisser, dude. Like, totally. Mmmm... he looks gay, though. Acts gay. If he came out I would scream that I knew it all along. So would anyone else who knows him. Party last night. Not last night as in Sat night. Last night as in Fri night. Met a guy named Ben. Who kissed me. Who ended up sleeping on the couch with me because his ride was too drunk to drive and Eric didn't want him sleeping in the bed with him and Chelsea cuz he was kissing Chelsea, too. Lol. Nice kid. Sorta gothic. Wants to be a model. Wears make-up. This is him: 
He's sorta pretty. Made me miss Ben Cumming even more, though. Lol. I wonder if Ben will end up giving me another chance? Why do I always end up learning things the hard way... I didn't know how much he is until I lost him. Now I know that I for sure want to be with Ben and not much of anyone else. Why him? I have no fucking clue. There are a ton of nice guys, you know? And then there's Taman who's really sexy. Who wants to be fuck buddies which is what I want, right? Wrong. Ben's fault. Lol. He um changed my mind I guess. I discovered this today {yesterday} when I was chilling in Taman's room with him and he tried to seduce me. I was annoyed. Lol. I mean, that boy is hot. And I was annoyed that he wanted to have sex with me. I wouldn't have sex with him. I wouldn't even give him head. He got really pissed off and kicked me out of his room. And it didn't hurt my feelings at all. Lol. Whoa. Rejected and I didn't care. Go figure. I mean, I tried to act a little hurt, but that was for his sake. I was thinking about Ben. Ben would mean giving up Taman and Andrew and Nik and even Matty... god Matty... sexy ass mother fucker, that man. I'd even give up Matty. That's just... That's what I don't understand, you see. Even when I was with Noah... it was like, dude, if I could, I'd still have sex with Matty. I mean, I wouldn't have, but I sure as hell wanted to. And I am in love with NOah. Ben needs to give me another chance... this was just too ridiculous. I fucked up. I realized. I repent. Am I forgiven? I don't expect to be so lucky. But that would be really nice, huh. For Ben to give me another chance. I'm gonna hafta talk to him sometime. And I'm gonna end up crying. I'm gonna end up hurt. But I'm gonna try. He's the only person that I can be loyal to at this point. I don't particularly give a fuck about anyone else. Especially not Kaitlyn Ho. Wait, so why am I trying to look out for my happiness? Cuz if I'm gonna hafta stay alive I may as well have... someone. So sad... I have so many friends who love me and care about me. And I've got no one. Oh, shit. I was thinking about how I wish Nik would get the hell out of the picture and the guy lands himself a room in jail. What the fuck. I feel SO BAD!!! I mean, it's not my fucking fault he stabbed someone... but I wanted him gone so as to stop complicating things... and the fucker goes to jail. Ugh. Why do I feel like that's my fault? It's not!!! Lol. That kid... he can be real sweet... he's a really good kid inside. Just... misguided and way too into the alcohol. Can you say "Hello, my name is Nik, and I'm an alcoholic."? Lol. God damn. I called Ben to ask him I could spend the night and he thought I meant with Nik. No, Ben, I don't wanna be with Nik. I wanna be with you. I'm just going through shit, you know? And I was confused. I didn't know what the fuck I wanted. I'd just gotten out of a relationship in which I was in love and shit. I didn't know if I wanted you to be what you were eventually gonna become to me if we were to date exclusively. But after I did what I did I realized that I fucked up. I totally realized what I want. I want you. But I still don't understand. What the fuck makes you so special? What makes you so special that I would give you the ability to hurt me. I just know that I want to be with you. Um... it's almost 7. I need to get to sleep. Have to memorize a monologue and a scene tomorrow, ya know?
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~
�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....