Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry um... a lot of stuff... May 26, 2003 ~ 1:28 AM The past week has been very very eventful... I dunno... I haven't written at all, though. Well that guy Isaac has a huge ass crush on me. Just told me today that he loves me. As a friend, sure, but we all know he's got a huge ass crush on me. I got really close with this kid Auriel from my Theatre class and I mean REALLY close... I took his virginity... He's a sweetie. Only 19. I like him lots. He's safe. Emotionally safe for me cuz there is no way I'm ever gonna fall for him... His name is prolly the most awesome name I've ever come across... Like real person name-wise. Lol. I'm gonna name a character after him. Auriel Denizot-Eugenio. Iono. It's so... exotic sounding. Lol. I really like that kid. He's sorta... iono... tall. Lol. Weird guy. Doesn't ever really get all the way hard... And speaking of that... Isaac is gonna become a problem. He's not a problem yet... I'm totally loving the kid. He's a great friend. Amazing person... One of those... sparkly people. Nah. More like sparky. Lol. He gives off sparks. He flashes. I love him almost as much as I love Charlie. Almost. {Speaking of Charlie, I still didn't get to see him and I don't think I will... The lazy ass finally went and got himself a job! Yes, I saw the pig fly past my window when he told me... it was purple.} Isaac is on my mind way too much... I dunno. I think maybe we're just gonna be like the best of friends. Well he will be to me anyway. I can't help but feel as if I'm friendship material simply due to the fact that he is sexually attracted to me... that happens. He's most definitely a kindred spirit, though. Lol. Me and him are very much alike in many different ways. Cept he has a penis. One that doesn't like me, actually. God dammit... See, I get off topic. That stupid kid is always on my mind. He's got Jim Carey's personality and he reminds me of that one comic strip character Archie. Lol. Me and him get along swell. Meh. Shut up about Isaac. Lol. Back to Auriel... He's really good looking. Mutt of some sort he's got some Asian in him.. He's flip and then some Frenchie er some such things. I went to a movie with Yoshi and Ben and everyone and I saw Auriel there with Ian and some other guy whose name I forgot. And we exchanged AIM sns... Started talking. He invited me to go eat with him and his friends one day after class... it was pretty random. I sed yes... I went with him and his scene partner to his room after food and chilled. Me and his just kicked it I listened to him play the guitar a bit. It was good stuff... =] We started talking online... yeah... I think we knew each other about a week... and then on the 21st he invited me to go chill at his place. We'd had a conversation earlier I told him to guess how much Chem I studied {MY GRADE IN CHEM WILL BE BASED ON MY FINAL!!! EEP!} and he guessed right so I owed him a prize which I sed was a kiss cuz I couldn't think of anything else. Lol. So yeah... we chilled and then I had to go and he wanted his prize so I kissed him and yeah... I missed my class. He had a good time though. I am a whole lotta firsts for him... he'd never gotten head or a hickey, he'd never stuck his finger into a girl's pussy (LOL), he'd never been completely naked with a girl, and of course, he'd never had sex. ;) Needless to say that is no longer the case. Lol. It sickening I sound almost proud of myself. I'm really not... I'm just talking. Lol. Yeah... He's too good looking... I mean... Ugh. I dunno. Lol. He doesn't regret it, so I won't. Real sweetie, that boy. I like that kid a whole lot. Not like I liked Pooter, though... I miss Pooter... yeah and so after Auriel... I don't really remember. Lol. This is why I write in my diary in the first place. To remember all them events that I'll forget. Lol. Yeah I talked to Ben... he's just totally no longer interested at ALL. That makes me really really sad-like. Oh well. I fucked up that one. I was getting too close... I keep on wanting to fuck up with Isaac... push him away... be safe... Lol. But I can't. I love him too fucking much. I wanna be friends with him forever... I just don't look forward to suicidal tendencies ever again... I haven't been taking my Prozac and I've been totally fine... it's really really really weird. All good. My mother keeps on saying that I need time to heal from my depression... I didn't think that it woudl be possible to heal from depression... Lol. I think it just might work, though. A little time... meh. Isaac, Isaac, Isaac. Isaac Scott. Him and Noah are both always on my mind. Lol. They are the ones that my mind goes to when it's drifting. I really really miss Noah. But you know what? Not really. Lol. {I'm confused, I know} I miss him because... well, I do... I'm in love with him and I want him back. But then... I don't miss him... because... I'm a heartless kitch. And I don't want him back. I won't ever love anyone like that again... I gave him my heart... I don't know where he is... I can't take it back if I tried. One day, I'm gonna get to the point when I'll just be tired of missing him and I'll finally kill myself. Lol. Living without him... it sucks. It's not living... living without your heart is NOT living. And I'm so in love with him. I love Brian... he's been a fantasy since 7th grade... but I don't think I could fall in love with him at all. Of course I'm smitten... but you know what? No heart. Lol. Can't really love... Most of the love for my friends: from my mind. I stopped loving friends with my heart after Sara fucked me over... Love is just an idea. I feel it, but it's cuz my brain sez so... not my heart. I guess that's why Noah was so fucking special; he touched my heart and for once I trusted with my all again. Good choice, Kat. Lol. Brian talks about... moving in together... and of course it sounds so lovely... but then he doesn't call me again for a week or two. I still dunno if he's serious about me or what. He's prolly fucking some girl right now. Or finishing up, anyway. Not like I care, he's not mine. He wants me... I want him... so what? I want a lot of guys a lot of them want me... I'm sure it's the same with Brian. He's too fucking gorgeous and charming and wealthy... He's too perfect for me, despite all this flaws. Even the sweetest kittens hide claws. I dunno. And then there's Bryan. He is... gorgeous. 27 year old... He could pass for 17... I met him in person last night... Oh, by the way I'm in LA right now if you haven't caught that, yet. Lol. Came back to visit and my parents do not let me forget why it is that I hated them for so long. But yeah I met Bryan last night. He looks 17. If he said 15 I woulda believed him. But no, he's born 79. Lol. What the fuck. Meh. Sex on the first date... such a ... ho ... thing to do. Lol. How fitting. He's a sweetheart, though. I think I would date him instead of Brian if given the chance... only cuz... I dunno. I honestly don't feel like I am capable of falling in love ever but you know what? You never know. Love is all in the head right? And I have one hell of an imagination, thankyouverymuch. I could easily get hurt. People to watch out for: Brian. Bryan. Isaac. How did I end up with three? Ugh. I need to go on the offense or something. I've been trying to with Isaac... I don't want to can't fall in love with him. He's... not my type. Lol. Me and him are way too much alike if we were to date we'd drive each other fucking looney... And I wonder if I'll really ever get a chance with Brian. He says that I'm the only woman he wants... but I won't believe that until I get to see him again. And then there's Bryan. That one is prolly just gonna be for not-so-casual sex. He is WONDERFUL. Isaac=FRIEND who is very very fun. Best friend with benefits... speaking of those, I haven't seen Josh Cook since he got out of jail! Speaking of jail, I wonder how Nik is doing. Speaking of Nik, on thursday, Greg threw out a scene for Auriel and some other guy to improv and it just happened to be Auriel slept with the other guy's girl... lol. Poor Ben. Oh... Gato. There's this guy in my Theatre class name's Gato... cat!!! I keep forgetting to talk about him... lol. He's pretty cool. Really chill guy. I don't find him attractive at all... but then I didn't find Isaac attractive {Isaac has that quirky smile though... darling} and I full on though Noah was ugly. Lol. Gato is a really cool cat. He finds me attractive and all. And he's insanely jealous of Ben and insanely curious about who the other guy is that I slept with which is Auriel but there is no way Gato's gonna find out unless Auriel tells him which he won't cuz they dunno each other. HA! Gato... he's gonna not ever get anywhere near me anyway unclothed. Lol. Oh and that dirty guy Keenan. The one who lives in the woods... I'm really not sure I wanna go visit his hut in the woods anymore. He is definitely interested and he is definitely creeping me out... like... take me out to the woods and rape me or something. Trust me, rape is not something I wanna go through again. And he doesn't wanna do that cuz I'll fucking report him. Lol. I'm so mean, now. It's horrible. At least I still love kids... Oh god, I loved Isaac so much more watching him at his work. I went and chilled at his work with him... got to hang out with all the little kids... it was an amazing experience that I miss profusely. Lol. Kids... I've officially decided that I wanna be a third grade teacher. Decided by the little girl I sat next to on the the plane to LA. She's ten. One of the most beautiful free spirits I've ever encountered. Lovely girl... She told me that third grade is the grade to teach! She's in fourth. Lives in Santa Cruz. Parent's divorced so she flies a lot. I was more nervous than she. Lol. Abel just called me. It's like 3 AM. Lol. Everytime I talk to Abel.. I wonder why he broke up with me... he seems so much enrapt by me still. He's still in love with me if there is such a thing as being in love. That boy... Me and him have that amazingly weird Chemistry that just never goes away. I mean... I was all pissed cuz he kissed me when I was with Noah... but you know what? He's in love with me. He broke my heart... but... he didn't want to. He knows exactly what he lost in me... he knows exactly what he's missing. He still cares for me so much... it confuses me. Cuz there was never a time when he didn't feel this exact way about me... the way I feel about Noah Dekkers... I loved him... I still do, but Abel Luque was in love with me... and I moved 7 hours away. Abel is someone who has broken my heart before, but in doing so, he broke his own. Like when I broke up with Noah cuz I thought that's what he wanted. Ha. Wow. If I don't take Abel back, I'd be just as much of a jerk as Noah. It's a good thing that Abel doens't want me back. Rational enough to know that there is no way that I could do a long-distance relationship... His heart would certainly break, and I, without a heart, wouldn't care too much. And then I'd think about it too much and realize that I feel bad for not feeling bad about it... Just another boy. We all know how much I've been hurt by them boys before... I wonder... I think I'm gonna pay a visit to the Longs in West Covina tomorrow... no, wait, I don't think Brian works that early. I could, of course, simply call him at like 7. He'll prolly be there. Lol. Iono. Abel is comin by at 7 to get me... I'm gonna leave a note for my parents and such... I hope they don't get too pissed. Abel makes me feel loved.. because I am when I'm with him. Isaac makes me feel accepted. Brian makes me feel desirable. Bryan makes me feel giddy like a little school girl... Noah makes me feel sick. And yet, I would give this life and my other three, along with every chance I have with those four guys, to have Noah back in my life again. Hm... Teresa is coming up to Santa Cruz with me. So yeah... that's gonna be pretty coolbeans. I need to get my last eight lines memorized. I have trouble with those ones. Eew. I'm talking to John-e right now... the guy who disses me all the fucking time. He never remembers me... Oh wellz... I still like him... I think I took him off my faves on FTJ though... I don't remember. Yeah. I don't know why I still cry for Noah sometimes... I've got so much going on... I don't need to worry about Noah Dekkers... where he is, what he's doing, if he's single, if he's hurting... My insomnia is getting worse. I just lie and think about him... well... last night I was thinking about Isaac. But when I think about Noah, I think about falling asleep next to him.. in his arms... etc... When I think about Isaac, I think about him singing and us bowling.. that look he gives me... that mischevious light in his eyes... quirky smile. My parents were reprimanding me today because I miss Noah. He's always on my mind. Everything I see, everywhere I go, he's there... so I talk about him a lot... My parents don't like that... Lol. Yeah... They made my cry. They've decided that I'm only lovable until the person gets to know me. In that event, the person will naturally become frightened of my depressed/suicidal ass and run off... Does true love conquer all? Lol. That's like saying that God sae Isaac flipping him off earlier. My dad is pissed that I'm not sleeping and it's like 4:30... he says that I need to be more responsible. Um... Yeah... I just... I feel so lonely sometimes... And I don't have thoughts about killing myself, but the idea of death still is so appealing to me... how morbid. All these guys I'm stringing along... I feel like such a fucking bitch. It really really sucks... Imma go. Bye. Last Entry - Next Entry - Newest Entry ~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ �MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES� August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again... July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards* July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean.... .