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recap of the day...
May 31, 2003 ~ 1:26 AM
So I guess about my throwing Auriel and Teresa together... Eh... Yeah... Auriel told me tonight that he actually would have dated me... I don't know what I think of that... the last thing in the world that I need is to get with another 19 year old... He's so sweet. And totally awesome... but I'm really not his type... I wouldn't be good enough for him... Heartless bitch does not deserve perfection. I miss Noah a whole lot. Savage Garden sorta makes me sad... So Auriel has shifted from sharing a blanket with me to sharing one with Teesa... Lol. Nice. I'm not sure what's going on really but I know that he's totally into her... it's really cute and stuff... I'm pretty sure that she's into him too... she's just shy and she won't admit it cuz she knows that I'll tell him... Lol. Humph. She likes him though. She loves the attention... I know how she feels... it's the same way that I felt when guys started noticing me... it was such a great high.. and then it got old.. cuz I had a few shitty relationships and I got all jaded and stuff.. ::sigh:: I'm looking forward to going hiking with Nigel tomorrow... =] Even though it means I hafta wake up in less than 7 hours... Yeah... I get tired of a lot of things... I get tired of guys online... Like, I still talk to people online all the time... I've met some of the greatest people online.. but then there are the ones that totally make me wanna just block out the world and never sign onto AIM again... those guys who IM me hoping to get some... The guys who stop talking to me if I don't send em nude pix. The guys who shower me with compliments, telling me how pretty I am, etc, and then ask me who I am and what my FTJ name is. The ones who talk to me cuz they are sick losers and have no balls to go out and flirt with people so they create these sick internet sex sessions or something. And then there are the guys who are cute but hella conceited. They think they can get away with anything and don't even talk to you anymore if you don't have nude pix and shit. It's so lame. I mean, sure I hit on guys online sometimes, too... but I also talk to random ppl on the street. And I also talk to people because I'm just nice, even though I'm not interested in them at all... I mean, I meet a lot of awesome people online. Like Bob. He's such a sweetheart and I love the kid already. But it doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to him in any way... I told Auriel that I wanted to adopt Bob as my kapatid {which is like little brother or sister} and he's like but then you can't mess around with him... The thought just never occured to me... I adore the kid, I rave about how sweet and cute and wonderful he is and I LOVE talking to him.. but it doesn't mean I'm talking to him cuz I wanna fuck him... Werd. He's so cute, though. He's actually only 2 months and 23 days older than him. I'm so excited that he's coming to school here next year!! *yay* I'm gonna hang out with him so much. And just love him forever... he's one of those.. he almost reminds me of Charlie. Such a sweetie, that boy. Hehe. I'd like to see him smile.. the pix he's sent he's never smiling. Meh. OH well. I can make him smile. Yeah... I really should go to sleep... need to get up in 6 hours. To go hiking!!! Yeah, I've been talking to Sara more... I don't remember why it was that she stopped being my friend... but she hurt me so much and totally killed my trust in women. Hence my lack in female friends... I haven't had a female best friend since her... I mean, I was friends with Astha... and I'm friends with many girls... but I just can't trust them and can't love them like I used to be able to... I mean, I still can love my friends, and I surely do love Sara still.. but not with my all anymore... I won't let anyone be my weakness anymore. Ever. Not even a boy... not after Noah... Women and men both... I can't trust anyone with my heart and soul anymore... I have no heart and my soul is in tattered shreds. Yet I can see a little child and pour my whole being into him or her... I wish Isaac would take me to his job again... I loved being around the kids. I'm such a walking contradiction right now... I don't hold people at arm's length... I hold them at elbow's length. I'm naturally a lover... and I guess this is what happens when I lose my heart. My screen saver says:"Hope does not exist. It is merely a pretty illusion". For the optimists out there, don't try to dissuade me my opinion in that area... I learned that the hard way. I'm doomed... And Auriel snores really loudly. =] And he seems to like my Nyquil WAY too much. Lol. I love that boy...
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�MY 5 MOST RECENT ENTRIES�
August 02, 2004 [3:29 AM] - Took the HELL test again...
July 29, 2004 [3:57 AM] - Forgiveness... Meh. Lol
July 28, 2004 [4:54 PM] - Emotional Limbo... *bends over backwards*
July 28, 2004 [1:29 PM] - the miracle of Moo
July 28, 2004 [3:05 AM] - The sound of the ocean....